mdlbear: the positively imaginary half of a cubic mandelbrot set (Default)
[personal profile] mdlbear
0314 Sa
  * awake 5ish; up 6ish
  * W=188; drugs; bath; emergen-c; enough coffee for one cup via French Press
    ! annoyed
  * get cell phone from bedroom
  & remember the coffee in the con suite leftovers.  Most is decaf, but 
    there's a bag of real.  Yay!
  * see Colleen; buy supplies for party
    ! weather cold and grey; mood down.
    Colleen just starting PT
    ! she seemed a little scared, but she was on her feet (with lots of help)
  * See Colleen; buy ice
  * Party
    nobody here at 2:30; lonely.  Worried.
  * fix Emmy's computer (swap in new PS)
  * 2:45ish people start filtering in
  & 4:20 email reveals that one of my friends was having a health crisis this
    morning just about the time I was most anxious about them.  Hmm.
  & good party.  Good conversation.
    ! I noticed I was happier and more engaged than usual.  
      Other people mentioned my being more "present".  So... yay!
  & comfortable taking people to the office for quiet talk
  & discovered that I can noodle on guitar and follow a conversation
    ! fascinating.  A little like driving.  Some odd chord progressions.
  & Lots of good hugs
    ! Hugs make me happy.  And I enjoy them even more now.
  * load drugs
  * bed ~12:45; flexeril

A very odd day. The morning was cold and grey and bleak, and I was worried about something I couldn't quite pin down, although a particular friend was much on my mind. I'll get back to that. Even a visit to Colleen, and seeing her standing (with mechanical assistance) for a few minutes didn't seem to lift my mood much.

I was still lonely and worried after the party shopping, but perked up when people started filtering in.

When the first guest came in the kids were still watching a DVD out in the living room, so I took her into the office for some quiet. I found that I was pretty comfortable doing that at other times as well, when a loud conversation was going on in the living room and interfering with the one-on-one I was engaged in.

Mid-afternoon I had a stray moment to read my email and found that the friend I'd been worried about had been having a temporary but alarming health problem in the morning (been taken care of -- ok now). Do I really have that much empathy, or was it just a coincidence? Probably the latter: my worries were mainly about a different aspect of my friend's life. I can see how one can easily start believing in ESP, but I remain skeptical. Memory is very selective.

The party really warmed up in the evening, and I had a good time. I noticed that I was much happier and more engaged than previously; other people noticed as well. Go me!!

I circulated more than usual, and used my computer a lot less. I also discovered, to my delight, that I can noodle on guitar and follow a conversation -- and even make brief comments -- at the same time. It's exactly the same kind of multitasking I do when I'm driving. Some of the chord progressions came out a little odd. I need to find something quiet that leaves me the same mental space.

I've always liked hugs, but I found that I was hugging more tightly and enjoying it more this time. More to the point, I noticed while I was hugging people that it made me happy. Um... OK then.

Date: 2009-03-15 06:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
And we're happy to give you hugs. You're a good hugger.

Date: 2009-03-15 07:51 pm (UTC)

Date: 2009-03-15 07:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm glad you enjoyed the party. It seems like you are getting a lot better at noticing what you're feeling.

Date: 2009-03-15 07:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks. Yes, it's been something of a struggle, but I seem to be getting there.

Date: 2009-03-15 08:48 pm (UTC)
ext_12246: (Default)
From: [identity profile]

Which reminds me, I have to do a sitting meditation. Now would be a good time.

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