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[personal profile] mdlbear

It's been an exhausting week; moderately productive at work. But a bit more physical work than I've done in a while, plus anxiety and depression, which are tiring on their own. Naomi occasionally tells me to "act my age", usually when I've pushed my body to do something that was easy when I was about thirty years younger. Or fifty. So, yeah. That.

There's a great line in James Keelaghan's song "Small Rebellion" -- "... the job that was your life becomes the job that slowly beats you." That, too.

It doesn't help that my confidence in my ability as a programmer was completely shattered about a year and a half ago, with a series of projects that I completely failed at. OK, maybe just partially failed at -- the first was, fortunately, cancelled, and the second (which would have been trivial if I'd known what I know now) was eventually finished by someone else. The one I'm on now is following a similar pattern. I never learned to estimate, and part of that is the fact that I keep finding pieces that got left out of the design. It's possible that not all of that is my fault -- other people had plenty of input. But it feels like my fault, and because I've been the most senior engineer on all of these projects, one can easily argue that the disasters are at least my responsibility.

In all those cases a contributing problem was procrastination -- that, at least, is undenyably my fault. I've gotten really good at not doing stuff. More generally, not even thinking about stuff that I'd rather not be doing. And here I am, nearly seventy years old, planning to retire in less than a year, with a household that needs to be downsized drastically so that we can move out of the house we love but won't be able to keep. I hate it. I hate myself for the decades of bad decisions that made it necessary.

The next year is going to be rough. The next decade is going to be rough. I'll probably make it through, but I'm not going to like it.

Notes & links:

1204Su
  * up 7:00ish; W=206.2; dishes, laundry
  @ The realisation that one is to be hanged in the morning concentrates the mind
    wonderfully. -- Samuel Johnson.
  * grocery shopping with Colleen.
    % tired now.
  * Paid - Woman Within (a bill that C has been paying off gradually, but might as well
    pay it all; it's not that big, and it's been lingering.)

1205Mo
  * up 5:15; W=205.0; laundry, dishes
  : It's snowing.  Not sticking at the moment, but still.  Snowing.  Guess where we're
    heading that won't be all that unusual.
  * financial info to financial planners.
  : N suggested giving the hot tub to G' in lieu of a raise.  Win.  Even with that, I
    don't think we got our money's worth out of it.
  * a couple of hours of sorting in the downstairs kitchen/craft room, with N.
  : Place probably wants to go on the market ~April.
  ! sad about leaving this place.  The fact that there are two big reasons why I can't
    stay makes it _possible_, but it doesn't make it easy.
  ! I feel as though $A has defeated me.  "... the job that was your life becomes the job
    that slowly beats you."
  @ Welcome to Supporting Safe Therapy

1206Tu
  * up 5:15ish; W=205; laundry, dishes
  * Heifer was having a 2-for-1 sale on goats today.
  : Twitter's UI is terrible.  If I open another tab and come back to it, it gets
    cleared.  Paste basically doesn't work.  Good thing I don't use it much.
  % very cold.  Have been all evening.
  * 15min:  Hauled most of the boxes out of the cubhouse.  It's bigger on the inside.
  % so damned congested I can barely breathe.

1207We
  * Up 5:30ish; W=204.4; laundry, dishes
  * Took a guitar (the Applause) to work.
  % this morning I was mildly concerned to notice that my left hand felt a good deal
    warmer than my right.  Realized on the way home that it was probably due to wind.
  : Did I mention that we need a new dryer?  Downstairs.
  * make chili for work potluck Th. -> fortunately, we have a small crock pot that's just
    right for 3lbs of meat.  It'll have the lid tied down.
  
1208Th
  * up 6:20; W=204.4, P=137/87, p=64; laundry, dishes
  * potluck at work -> very tasty all around.  The chili came out a little warmer than I
    usually make it, but everyone liked it.  Except the vegetarians, of course.
  * Humira arriving
  @ John Glenn, First American To Orbit The Earth, Dies At 95 : The Two-Way : NPR 
  : Both N and C have been having pain problems today.  Wish there was something I could
    do (besides bring blankets to C and cold packs to N)
  & C went up to bed very early; I went up around 10 and took a bath.
    % should do that more often; it helps me get to sleep.

1209Fr
  * up 5:30; W=204.4; laundry, dishes
  @ xkcd: UI Change
  : It snowed last night.
  % I'm cold.
  * Reasonably productive day coding at work.
  * Guitar after Beer:30 -- Bad Guys, Desolation Row (missed "At midnight all the agents",
    very sloppy on guitar, and no capo), and World Inside the Crystal.  Introduced several
    people to CC&S.  No comments on WItC, but they seemed attentive.

1210Sa
  * Up 5:45ish; W=204.4; dishes
  @ CIA Secret Assessment Reportedly Says Russia Interfered With U.S. Election To Help
    Donald Trump Win : The Two-Way : NPR f(several)
  * home directory cleanup on nova: the idea is to switch back to the old /home partition
  * switched /home on nova back to the partition it was on before installing ubuntu.  That
    means I can go back to running the mirror script.
  & Took a multimeter downstairs.  I am not convinced that the dryer is getting power; our
    breakers are crappy and it's hard to tell whether they're tripped.  And they require
    an extra push to reset them.  So, maybe.

Date: 2016-12-12 12:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amaebi.livejournal.com
I wish you strength, courage, friendly help, and surprisingly good options.

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