mdlbear: the positively imaginary half of a cubic mandelbrot set (Default)

Um... yeah. Been a while. I'd originally planned to post Monday after last weekend's house con, Rainbow Con 1. But I didn't. I'll post an actual con report later; for now I'll just say that it was amazingly wonderful. We had around 30 people, and everybody had a great time.

Work has been rough. Things are falling through cracks at an increasing rate. I should leave. I can't afford to, but it'll probably kill me if I don't. If someone dropped half a million dollars in my lap, I could pay off most of the house and get by on social security and pensions. As it is, ... It's a constant reminder of how much the situation is of my own making.

Notes & links, as usual )
mdlbear: (hp-c)

I'm available. I don't promise to be coherent after 11pm, but you can call any time. 408 - 896 - 6133.

(Inspired by ysabetwordsmith | Moment of Silence: Robin Williams. His death has, understandably, shaken up a lot of people.) (The userpic? Citalopram.)

mdlbear: (rose)

I've been feeling vague all day; detached, fuzzy; the world seems subdued, and looks as if much of the color had been washed out of it. Grief? Depression? The fact that I didn't have breakfast this morning? Quite possibly the latter, as I'm feeling much better now.

Hadn't realized that my wife's grieving (mainly over the friend she lost just before Consonance, though there's more) could trigger as much of a reaction in me as it seems to have done. My Dad and Amy are coming in out of my past to haunt me again. Well, they're familiar ghosts, at least.

Zyrtec seems to have a substantial bounce-back, even after a single dose. I'll skip it, thanks; then I can have my glass of gin in the evening. Cyclobenzaprine, on the other hand, is wonderful stuff: stopped the back cramps dead, and got me a good night's sleep. Note to self: don't take it in the morning unless you intend to stay in bed all day.

For some reason I find the long, last phase of the grieving process -- acceptance, or reorganization depending on your source -- to be creatively very productive. There will be ghosts in the song, I think.

See mood.

Mar. 23rd, 2008 02:55 pm
mdlbear: (tsunami)

Went out with the [ profile] chaoswolf to buy her a fireproof file box. Who would have guessed that everyone was closed for Easter? Well, maybe someone who celebrates it... Office Max, Staples, even Fry's was closed.

On the way home I was talking to the Wolfling about changing her name, and its relationship to her impending immigration problems (which are going to be problems no matter which side of the border they end up on), realized that I was out of my depth, and was hit by a massive wave of depression.

I was already feeling a little down because of a number of obvious problems: finances, not getting things done, frustration with software, trouble communicating with Colleen... But I was cheerful when I went out for my walk this morning. What in hell happened?

Colleen advised me to have some lunch, but that doesn't seem to be doing it -- I don't think it's just an energy thing. But I don't know what it is, and that bothers me.

mdlbear: the positively imaginary half of a cubic mandelbrot set (Default)

From [ profile] solarbird via this post by [ profile] technoshaman, a pointer to a particularly well-written article about depression and suicide. (Could be depressing in itself -- think before clicking.) But one of the points it makes is that sometimes the right thing to do is to take medication to correct a chemical imbalance in your head.

This gives me an excuse to clear another of my browser tabs to quote from a comment I made in a locked post elsejournal:

Over the years I've accumulated quite a large "pill salad" of drugs and supplements, mostly for the various chemical imbalances that cause high blood pressure and high cholesterol. When you get down to it, neurotransmitter imbalances are no different. Sure, changing the way your brain works is a little scary in the abstract. But that's what caffeine does, and I don't think you'd turn down a cup of coffee to get you going in the morning.

I often need a bit of a nudge (well, ok, usually it's the [ profile] flower_cat going behind my back and talking to our doctor about me) to go get checked for health problems. But you out there don't have to be equally stupid. Sometimes the hardest part is figuring out that there is a problem. Other times the hard part might be admitting to someone else that there's a problem you can't handle on your own -- I tend to fall into that category.

Whatever it is, if you have some problem you've been putting off having a doctor look at, just go and get it looked at.

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