River: Turning a corner

[mdlbear]

Somehow, today, I seem to have turned a corner of some sort that I didn't even notice while I was turning it. My mood has shifted again.

This is probably going to get long.

The last few days I've been slightly depressed and very discouraged. I'll get into exactly why in a bit, but each new insight seems to open up whole new realms of things -- some solutions but mostly problems -- that I hadn't realized were there. My mind is becoming a very strange and unfamiliar place.

Anyway, I said something to the effect of getting to the top of the first hill and seeing how wide the desert is and how far away the mountains are. pocketnaomi (who I very much hope doesn't mind being quoted here) said that it sounded like a line in I Never Promised You a Rose Garden. I said that I ought to go back and re-read it.

"You probably should," she replied, "if you're getting into intensive personal psychological analysis."

"Never been there, but it sounds like that's where I'm headed, doesn't it?"

"Don't look now, Steve, but you've been there the last year or so."

I've been saying as much for a couple of days, maybe even weeks; I think this may be the first time someone else has said it to me. It would, of course, be Naomi who said it -- she's provided me with most of that analysis, and she is very damned good at it.

This evening, looking up "...Rose Garden" so I could find it in our collection (which is alphabetical by author, of course), I felt a sudden wave of anxiety. Tight chest, dry mouth... Weird.

Then I pulled the book down, re-read a couple of pages, and now I'm calm. I'm damned if I know what corner I just turned, but the view is different somehow.

 

Now, where was I?

A hill, a desert, and mountains in the distance.

Over the last couple of weeks my old self-image has been left in tatters. My old theories about how my mind works -- Asperger's, emotional blindness -- no longer fit the facts. There are old habits to unlearn, feedback loops to break, new ways of interacting with people to learn. I don't even know how to go about doing any of those things, or even what questions to ask to get the right kind of help.

At the same time, my old coping mechanisms are gone. There are still things I'm afraid of, but I can feel the fear now. I'm still lonely, and I don't want to keep avoiding people, but I never learned how to start interacting with them. Colleen always taken care of my social life; I've been to my last four cons without her. It's getting late; I'll expand on this over the weekend perhaps.

The task ahead is daunting, and frustratingly slow. I'm in totally unfamiliar territory, and I don't even know who I am, let alone where.

But somehow, a couple of hours ago, I seem to have accepted that as a challenge instead of turning away and crawling back into my cave. It's the first night of Spring, and it's dark out there. But somehow there's a change in the light again.

Comments

[dsmoen.livejournal.com]

I went through that same transition once (at about age 30 and again a few years later after being widowed) -- it's like my emotional landscape changed, it was dark, and all the furniture had moved, and the coffee tables had sharp pointy corners, and I didn't know when I was going to fall over something or fall down the stairs or whack myself on a coffee table.

On the other hand, once I got through it, I was far better off as a person.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Starting roughly when I first got onto BBSs (which led to the internet a few years later), I semi-consciously "re-engineered" myself into the person I am today. Some of it was scary, some of it confused my family, but most of it was exciting. I think I'm still doing it, actually...

I know you're going to find it mostly scary, rather than mostly exciting, for longer than I did. Hang in there, friend... in the long run, it's worth it.

From this perspective

[mia-mcdavid.livejournal.com]

I'm sure it feels dauntingly unfamiliar in there, but can I just say, that from over here you are doing an *incredible* job?

It takes great courage to take out your most innermost, basic assumptions about yourself, that you have had for *COUGHmumbleCOUGH* years, look them over, and decide they don't fit. You've been doing that for some time now. You have unflinchingly gone where your observations have led you. I hardly know anybody with the guts to do that.

I really like you, and, when you've figured out who you are, I think you will, too! :-)

Wow . . .

[zencuppa.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you're about to build a new foundation for who you are :-)

I've also been there (and still am, in some ways). I've actually had very strong physical feelings of disorientation when going through this process. My response was to let my friends know what was going on, stalwartly believe in my ability to continue this process, and (now) I've begun using a story telling approach to "reframe" what will happen in the future as I do and try things I've never done before. If you're curious about that, let me know.

You've got guts and courage to take this path, and yes, it's worth *every* drop of sweat.

Hugs,

Andrea

[thnidu.livejournal.com]

I am very glad to hear of this. Keep going. Keep going.