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Rough week. Even a con, with a concert that came off well, didn't help all that much. My anxiety--or whatever it is, because alexithymia--levels are through the roof, even after cutting back on coffee and Facebook time.

Getting through the concert did reduce my stress quite a bit; that effect lasted through the rest of the weekend. A couple of great conversations; the one we had Sunday evening/night reminded me a lot of the conversation I had with Naomi all those years ago at OVFF, which arguably led to a lot of what's happened since. So, yeah. Friendship is good. Making new friends is wonderful.

I'd originally planned to leave Sunday afternoon. I'm incredibly grateful to Naomi for giving me an excuse to stay on the extra day. I wouldn't have missed that conversation for anything. (That's assuming, of course, that I'd known about it ahead of time. One can't exactly schedule such things. One can, however, be open to them when they happen. I seem to be moderately good at that; it's just getting started that's so rare.)

The concert. Well. Of course, being totally frazzled leading into it, I neglected to record it. I'm hoping that the woman who recorded it on her cell phone gets back to me -- of course I neglected to get her contact info, too. The set list was drastically revised after the election; what we ended up with was:

  • Kitchen Heroes
  • Quiet Victories
  • Windward
  • Nemesis
  • Mary Ellen Carter
  • Bells of Norwich
  • The Times, They Are A Changin'
  • Gentle Arms of Eden
  • The Dreamer
  • Ship of Stone
  • Millennium's Dawn
  • Most of them had new arrangements--N has started composing harmony lines. Millennium's Dawn, with her harmony and the new last verse, worked particularly well. Bells of Norwich was new to me, as was the guitar part for Nemesis. You know things are going to be different when QV is the second song in the set.

    Oh, yeah: the bad stuff. Colleen's stairlift finally broke past my ability to jury-rig it. Much cursing, while I set up the sofabed in the Rainbow Room. (Although that was another good reason to stay the extra day at the con -- the sofabed is horribly uncomfortable.)

    ...Aaaaand the ... ugly? Maybe. N handed me a card that said "YOU MATTER". Which is something Colleen says to me quite frequently, also. That started a train of thought, because it reminded me of an article that had come by earlier in the week and that I felt... odd... about. Some initial reactions below in the notes. I know it's meant to be encouraging; to make me feel good about myself or something like that. It doesn't, though, and I can't figure out why.

    I really hate important stuff I can't figure out. If it was a server I'd be busy analyzing logs and cursing the lack of comments in the code. Come to think of it,...

    Notes & links:

      * Up 4:45; ; dishes
      % Went looking for a picture of Trump with a Hitler mustache; the first two I turned up
        were a white supremacy site and a pre-election "is Trump the end of the GOP?"
        article.  Nevermind.
      # Starsong (was that the title?  Don't really remember) needs to be rewritten.
      @ Julian of Norwich trad., arranged V. Whitmire Chords and Lyrics for Guitar
        transpose down a step
      * up 6:30; W=204.6, P=1264/91; dishes
      @ The coming raids | Building My World
      @ ‘Filkers’ have fun with looney tunes | The Columbus Dispatch f(Tom Smith)
      @ Jeff Bezos email reaffirms Amazon’s commitment to ‘tolerance and diversity’ after
        Trump win 
      % 4:50 brief anxiety attack after text from G' about shopvac
      % 6:30 anxiety?  Likely.  Tight across chest and stomach.  So probably fear, too.
        Oddly, it seems to be affecting my posture.  Knees bent, hunched over.
      @ WIL WHEATON dot TUMBLR - Anti-Trump Masterpost f(Stephanie Weippert)
      @ What to Do About Trump? The Same Thing My Grandfather Did in 1930s Vienna
        " The first, and most obvious, is this: Treat every poisoned word as a promise. When a
          bigoted blusterer tells you he intends to force members of a religious minority to
          register with the authorities—much like those friends and family of Siegfried’s who
          stayed behind were forced to do before their horizon grew darker—believe him. Don’t
          try to be clever. Don’t lean on political intricacies or legislative minutia or
          historical precedents for comfort. Don’t write it off as propaganda, or explain it
          away as just an empty proclamation meant simply to pave the path to power. Take the
          haters at their word, and assume the worst is imminent. "
      * inspect shopvac.
        -> opened, found filter.  It's a mess.  Needs to be hosed out.
      : Chimney sweep did an inspection:  either needs to be lined ($1700) or capped.
      # looked on LgF's website for the audio for a song I need to brush up on.  Discovered
        that the most recent concert with recordings up is from 2012.  :P  Good grief!
      : g gave me a beadwork dragonfly Saturday.  She told me to keep it in my pocket.  She
        told me again tonight, and this time I had the sense to do it.
      * up 5:40ish; W=204.6; dishes
      * payday for G'
      @ How We Broke Democracy (But Not in the Way You Think) – Medium
      @ @ A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose-Eckhart Tolle
        recommended by $BOSS  also pointed me at EAP
        I'm sure he wants to be helpful, but I don't think he understands about the
        interaction between depression, anxiety, my finances, and the current situation.
      @ ACLU Threatens to Sue Donald Trump in New York Times
      @ moem | Cybersecurity for the Trumped: Index (elf)
      @ underground_rail | Time to wake this up after > 4 years without posts.  And it
        wasn't even me who remembered it.
      : Gary Ehrlich is in town for a conference; swapped songs.  N has a descant for Ship of
        Stone, and a harmony for Millennium's Dawn.  And another--Norwich?  anyway.
      * up 5:50; W=205.2; dishes
      @ My Emancipation From American Christianity | john pavlovitz
      @ StartPage Search Engine (moem | Cybersecurity for the Trumped 4:
        Browser hardening)
      @ A year with Notmuch mail []
      * up 6ish; W=204.0, P123/75, p=68; dishes
      * email to co-panelists at Orycon.
      @ moem | Cybersecurity for the Trumped 4: Browser hardening
      @ Really Private Browsing: An Unofficial User’s Guide to Tor (2013)
      & WFH to save commute time.
      * 2pm Dentist
      : Fscking stairlift is hard broken -- I'm guessing a popped breaker or pulled wire, but
        not where I can see it.  Soonest they can get us a tech would have been tommorow at 3,
        but we won't be here, so Monday at 3.  Which means two nights on the couch.
      @ PRISM Break Archives - (2013) privacy; via moem
      @ PRISM Break: Opt out of global data surveillance programs like PRISM, XKeyscore, and Tempora 
      @ Privacy Tools - Encryption against global mass surveillance
      * Packing.  Found my floppy hat!  It was hiding in the scooter bag.
      * Set up the convertible couch for sleeping.
    1118-20 Orycon -- different hotel this year!
      * up 6ish; ; cleanup/laundry
      % slept very badly.  Dreams that involved a large number of guests, dogs running around
        the house, and looking for an escaped Ticia.
      % sore back, sore ankle.
      * Set up audio and video recorders:  fresh batteries, unloaded cards, reset clocks.
        Verified that I knew how to record video this time.
      * Left almost exactly at 10am; N drove.  Stopped at McD's for lunch (I had breakfast,
        because I could.  They have hash browns.)
      * Portland Marriott Downtown Waterfront 1401 SW Naito Parkway, Portland, OR 97201
        Standard City View Room 1 King Bed Dates: Nov 18, 2016 - Nov 21, 2016
        3 nights, 2 adults, 0 children    Rates: USD 357.00 Taxes:USD 61.76 Total:USD 418.76
      & Apparently I'd forgotten to register Colleen :(  How did I manage that?
        -> we didn't go last year, and weren't planning to go this year, but I got a concert
           slot, so...
      : It's 4pm on friday and the hotel's elevators and bar/restaurant are already overloaded
      @ Rands in Repose management blog (N)
      * up 6:45; ;
      * breakfast by 7:30 if possible
      * 9:30 rehearse
      * Is Open Source Really Open? Salon C (LL1) Sat Nov 19 10:00am - 11:00am
        Blake Hutchins, Frank Hayes, Mark Niemann-Ross, *me (moderator)
      * (11-1) rehearsal time
      * Concert: Steve Savitsky Mt Hood (2) Sat Nov 19 1:00pm - 2:00pm
        Forgot, as usual, to start the recorders, but fortunately someone was recording on
        their phone.  Sound crew inexperienced; C says N's voice didn't come through well.
      * revised Orycon setlist
        Kitchen Heroes
        Quiet Victories
        Mary Ellen Carter
        Bells of Norwich
        The Times, They Are A Changin'
        Gentle Arms of Eden**
        The Dreamer
        Ship of Stone
        Millennium's Dawn
      $ Sold a CD ($13) to Emily , who'd been on the Windward table when I started talking to
        her about filk and mentioned our concert.  N  got a lyrics request (for Bells of
        Norwich).  On the whole I think it was successful.
      & Went through dealer's room with N; met up with C''' on our way to food, which we
        ate in the lobby bar because the restaurant on the second floor wasn't open.
      % got off on 3 instead of 2; apparently there are no usable stairs -- the doors are
        alarmed on 2 and 1.  :(  If I'd been in slightly worse shape I would have gone ahead
        and set off the alarm rather than walked back up, and arguably I should have.
      & dinner with Colleen in the lobby bar; The 2nd floor isn't serving until 7, but it may
        take that long for us to get served here.  -> 6:30 our drinks arrived.
      % N suggested -- actually, that's not quite strong enough -- that I substitute "I want"
        for "I need" or "I should".  I.e. "I'm not as good at estimation as I want to be."
        (This was, in fact, in the context of the dreaded "what's your greatest weakness"
        interview question, but it's good advice in general.)
      * Call Mom
      # first draft of setlist (pre-Trump)
        I think mostly an Amethyst Rose set?  Maybe a couple of computer or space songs.
          Inherit the Earth
          For Amy
          Millennium's Dawn
          Ship of Stone
          Stuff that Dreams are Made Of
          Keep the Dream Alive
          Stolen Child
          The Bears
          The Travelers?
          When I Go?
          Desolation - Oh No! (Dylan won Nobel Prize for literature!!!)
          Something by Dylan.  ->Times They Are A-Changing.  Maybe Desolation Row, too.
      * up 7; ; cleanup.
      @ Tech tips to help stay safe in Trump’s America | TechCrunch
      : There are a Rite Aid and CVS within walking distance (.5mi)
      # Next time I should remember to pack a stuffable backpack.  Or a Chico sling.
      * The Changing Face of the Computer Interface Sunstone (3) Sun Nov 20 12:00pm - 1:00pm
        *Frank Hayes, Jeff Soesbe, Matt Huntley, Matt Huntley, Rhiannon Rhys-Jones, me
      % People have been noticing that I seem down.  And I'm doing better than last week!
        (This morning didn't help, of course)
      % Standard answer to how are you? for this weekend:  "I've been better."  Occasionally
        "I've been worse", but mostly not.
      % I am not ok.
      * Walked over to Rite-Aid (.5 mile each way) for pantsu, pads, and wipes.  It would have
        been easier if I'd had a bigger bag to take them home in.
      * Earlyish dinner with Colleen.  They didn't seem to be serving happy hour today.  C
        gave her box of leftovers to Mairi, who was starving and waiting for her ride.
      & lovely long conversation after dinner with C''' (Sheesh!  And CS would still be
        ambiguous 3 ways...)
      ~ 6:30-7pm come up and wake Colleen - actually went up with C''' about the time N was
        getting in, and continued the conversation with her, Naomi, and Colleen.  Finally
        finished ~11.
        % *so* glad we decided to stay another day.  That conversation was worth it.  Reminded
          me a lot of the long conversation I had with Naomi, at OVFF all those years ago.
      : N handed out cards that say "You Matter", that she'd gotten from Laura.
        % Colleen says it to me often.  I have mixed feelings about it; I'm not sure why.
          Maybe because I don't really believe it.  I know it intellectually, but I don't -- I
          don't know what.  Feel it?  The same vague sense of disconnect I felt with that
          article about it in The Mighty, or wherever it was.  Ok, here:
          @ What I Would Have Said to My Friend Who Died by Suicide | The Mighty
    	-> OK, here's what feels odd about this:  it's written by a _friend_ of a suicide
    	   victim.  They don't have any way of knowing that "you matter" would have made a
    	   difference.  To me it sounds, ... I don't know.  Glib?  Insincere?  Too simple?
    	   Something you say to keep from feeling guilty?  (I originally had "angers me"
    	   rather than "feels odd".  It's probably someplace in there.)
    	-> Maybe it's the fact that knowing that I "matter" to people feels like a burden,
    	   an obligation that's similar, and related, to the financial obligations that
    	   depress me and scare the shit out of me when I think about work, retirement,
    	   four decades of bad decisions, and how close I am to the edge.

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