Productivity? What's that?

[mdlbear]

I've actually been fairly productive the last few days. If I'd been this productive two months ago, around the end of March, I'd have my FSA receipts all sorted, the Consonance concerts all up on the web, and be feeling a lot less panicked and harried and depressed.

There's a receipt that I know was on my desk, where I needed it. It's not there now. There's a phone call I should have made 12 hours ago; it's too late now.

As it is, I'm feeling frustrated, panicked, defeated, worthless, and hopeless. Also, paradoxically, bored and restless. I can't focus, can't concentrate, can't sit still, can't relax. Which is not helping.

Knowing that it's some combination of burnout and depression, and that depression lies, doesn't help either. Neither did taking a walk this afternoon, except maybe temporarily.

Comments

[phoenixpdx.livejournal.com]

**hugs** first.

As the one with the limited mobility and energy, but not the depression, I still echo others' comments. Taking care of yourself is job #1 because if you aren't available, Colleen is up a crik.

At the same time, remember that you are in the process of adjusting your expectations and goals to accommodate a new reality with you and Colleen. If you are expecting yourself to be able to accomplish as much, or even 3/4 as much as you used to, you will find yourself more frustrated and depressed, because, well...that's unrealistic now. I found it took a long time to readjust what seemed "reasonable". Even now, I overdo it badly (witness yesterday: *3* stores??? what was I *THINKING*??? I haven't been in that much pain in a long long time! One store is usually too much. That's why I delegate the shopping, for the most part. It was a momentary stupidity.)

So be easy on yourself. Delegate as much as possible. Find a support group for caregivers and know that there are others who feel like you do...you are definitely not alone.

Getting the depression treated is surely job 1, and doing the stuff you need to do will be easier if you do it in small chunks. Or at least...that's how it works for me and for my hunny. YMMV, naturally.

Have another *hug*.

[mdlbear]

It would help if I had someone to delegate to. Colleen's the one who's good at that, and she does find friends who can help, though almost all of them have lives and jobs of their own. I don't have a network of local friends I'd feel comfortable calling on, and trying to ask for help would only add to the stress.

I am getting the depression treated; it's very slow going and right now I have no idea whether it's working.

I guess the support group is more of a priority now than it appeared to be a couple of months ago when I first looked at them. I still don't know what it would do for me.

[harmonyheifer.livejournal.com]

I think the treatment for depression has helped more than you think, just from reading your posts. It makes a lot of sense that you might not think so right now because you are so overburdened with work and unwelcome responsibility.

Your comment that asking for help would add to the stress is, I think, false except perhaps in the extreme short term. My guess is that if you discussed this with Colleen, and explained you need a bit of time to recharge your batteries, she might be able to line up friends to come hang out with her for an hour or two in the evening several times a week so you can snap your leash and play in traffic.

If that isn't an option, the two of you should check into hiring a caregiver/companion for just a few hours a week. She doesn't need a nurse, a responsible teenager or college student who needs a part-time job for a couple of hours three or four times a week would be perfect. My guess is that Colleen would enjoy the company and could supervise simple household chores during part of the time, killing a couple of birds with one stone. If you have to cut back on charitable giving to hire help this year, you should seriously consider doing it. Charity begins at home.

If there isn't any money at all, how about finding a way to swap services if working on a computer project as a swap for caregiving would allow you to find that hyper-focused happy space? I'm guessing anything you do on the computer would be a good trade for housekeeping, caregiving or shopping.

These things can be delegated, you just have to take a deep breath, brace yourself and maybe enlist Colleen in the problem solving process. Her body isn't working all that well, but her mind is still sharp, right? After all, this is affecting both of you. I think you will find when you stop just reacting and start initiating action, you will feel a whole lot better and more in control of your life, and that might be the first step toward managing the overwhelming to do lists that probably haunt your dreams.

[mdlbear]

You're probably right. Initiating action has always been my weak point -- hence the to-do list.

[mdlbear]

Part of the frustration is due to the fact that I was depressed and not accomplishing much before all this started happening. Merely taking antidepressants doesn't seem to be enough anymore; I'm not getting much of anything out of therapy right now, though I have an appointment Wednesday and may be able to at least find a direction then.

Not doing 3/4 as much isn't an option; I was just barely keeping my head above water before, and now I have caregiving, housekeeping, and all the shopping Colleen can't do now that she can't drive.