River: Listening to you

[mdlbear]

I was surprised -- actually, shocked might be a better way of putting it -- when I realized was forced to admit last night that I actually do have an interpersonal skill that I seem to be good at and even comfortable with: talking with people, one-on-one. Mostly, I'm a good listener.

It's true that I sometimes presume to offer advice, or bring my analytical ability to bear on some problem that I usually don't know much more about than the person talking with me. And I can often offer an outsider's (or occasionally an alien's) perspective based on my observations of normal humans. But mostly I listen and nod sagely. And offer hugs, or even cuddles when they're asked for. Middle-sized bears are usually, if nothing else, comfortable to be around.

Not surprisingly, it was my "little sister" pocketnaomi who shattered my carefully-built self-image by making me realize that, in spite of my social awkwardness, my inability to meet people, my inability to notice or drop hints, to understand or control tone of voice or body language, I still seem to be able to carry on an intelligible conversation on subjects of interest to ordinary humans.

Not to mention geeks and musicians -- swapping songs or technical tidbits has always been easy for me.

The ability to talk about, and understand something about, such things as relationships, interpersonal dynamics, mental states, love, and friendship appears to be very new indeed. It still feels deeply weird to have people coming to me and talking about their relationships, and even weirder that they're finding my comments valuable. That's not something I'm used to yet, and I don't have much trust in anything I have to say on those subjects. You shouldn't either.

I think I've been a pretty good listener for a long time. I am, as I believe I've mentioned, shy, self-conscious, and socially inept -- that means that I find it difficult to actually say something except in answer to a question or in response to some remark that gives me an opening. So I spend a lot of time listening.

The only person I can recall who's recently accused me of not listening is Colleen, and that's because, in her personal vocabulary, "you're not listening" really seems to mean something more like "I don't think I got my point across; if you'd been listening you would have understood it and agreed with me." At which point she usually bursts into tears. It may also be because too often she doesn't have my full attention when she says something. You do have to get my attention: bears are easily distracted.

Colleen's firm belief that I'm not listening may also have come about because I seem to have lost the ability for a while couple of decades and she doesn't realize I have it back.

It wouldn't surprise me if it's what attracted her to me in the first place. I've said elsewhere that, for me, relationships are mainly about friendship, and friendship for me is mainly about talking to one another.

I've written upstream, under the title of Friendship and love, that the River is mostly about love and friendship. So, even more fundamentally, it must be about conversation.

Talk to me.

Comments

[mdlbear]

Thanks.

I'm sure it's no coincidence that most of the deep conversations I've had lately have been with people who read my friends list. Even at filk conventions it's hard for me to meet new people.

The people I meet at computer-related conventions never seem to keep in touch and become friends unless I also see them in fandom somewhere.

[judifilksign.livejournal.com]

Well, sure. Your readers and the folks you read have shared history in the correspondences. They are no longer "new" people, even if you don't have a lot of "face" time. You can get into the "deep" conversations because you're already friends!

One thing that has been startling to me at cons is the number of new folks who "know" me from my hours of signing, that I don't recognize, who start up conversations with me. Since I'm a talker, I'm okay with it, but sometimes it feels very odd. But those conversations tend to be shallow, and I feel like I repeat stock answers instead of communicating.

[mdlbear]

Congratulations -- you've developed a fan base. (Fans of you rather than generic filk fans.) Occasionally deep, mostly shallow because they only know one aspect of you. Some may become friends eventually.

Expecting the kind of conversation that turns into a friendship is probably foolish, now that I think of it. I suppose one should simply have conversations, and now and then one will take off.

Doesn't make it any easier to start conversations with people I don't know, though.

[judifilksign.livejournal.com]

Ah, and here's where LJ helps again. By expanding the number of people you "know" online better, you'll feel more comfortable starting conversations with them when they see you in person, because fewer of them are strangers!

It feels odd to have a fan base. In my mundane life, I'm so, well, ordinary. Signing doesn't make me different from the other folks at work who do, too. But in fandom, it *does* provide a good conversation starter, just like songwriting, the new "Trek" preview or techgeek talk can.

[mdlbear]

LJ is certainly pretty good for that, but it's still pretty limited -- there are lots of people in fandom who don't know about my LJ.

[judifilksign.livejournal.com]

I think it was johno who made up LJ user ribbons to attach to name badges, and he passes them out at cons.

I've put my handle as my name badge name, and I've been amazed at how many folks enter it on the computer and find me.

[mdlbear]

He also made LJ badges -- I should go find mine, or make a new one. And I have it on my cards. Helps a little, especially once the conversation is started.