River: Listening to you

[mdlbear]

I was surprised -- actually, shocked might be a better way of putting it -- when I realized was forced to admit last night that I actually do have an interpersonal skill that I seem to be good at and even comfortable with: talking with people, one-on-one. Mostly, I'm a good listener.

It's true that I sometimes presume to offer advice, or bring my analytical ability to bear on some problem that I usually don't know much more about than the person talking with me. And I can often offer an outsider's (or occasionally an alien's) perspective based on my observations of normal humans. But mostly I listen and nod sagely. And offer hugs, or even cuddles when they're asked for. Middle-sized bears are usually, if nothing else, comfortable to be around.

Not surprisingly, it was my "little sister" pocketnaomi who shattered my carefully-built self-image by making me realize that, in spite of my social awkwardness, my inability to meet people, my inability to notice or drop hints, to understand or control tone of voice or body language, I still seem to be able to carry on an intelligible conversation on subjects of interest to ordinary humans.

Not to mention geeks and musicians -- swapping songs or technical tidbits has always been easy for me.

The ability to talk about, and understand something about, such things as relationships, interpersonal dynamics, mental states, love, and friendship appears to be very new indeed. It still feels deeply weird to have people coming to me and talking about their relationships, and even weirder that they're finding my comments valuable. That's not something I'm used to yet, and I don't have much trust in anything I have to say on those subjects. You shouldn't either.

I think I've been a pretty good listener for a long time. I am, as I believe I've mentioned, shy, self-conscious, and socially inept -- that means that I find it difficult to actually say something except in answer to a question or in response to some remark that gives me an opening. So I spend a lot of time listening.

The only person I can recall who's recently accused me of not listening is Colleen, and that's because, in her personal vocabulary, "you're not listening" really seems to mean something more like "I don't think I got my point across; if you'd been listening you would have understood it and agreed with me." At which point she usually bursts into tears. It may also be because too often she doesn't have my full attention when she says something. You do have to get my attention: bears are easily distracted.

Colleen's firm belief that I'm not listening may also have come about because I seem to have lost the ability for a while couple of decades and she doesn't realize I have it back.

It wouldn't surprise me if it's what attracted her to me in the first place. I've said elsewhere that, for me, relationships are mainly about friendship, and friendship for me is mainly about talking to one another.

I've written upstream, under the title of Friendship and love, that the River is mostly about love and friendship. So, even more fundamentally, it must be about conversation.

Talk to me.

Comments

[mia-mcdavid.livejournal.com]

Yes; hence the Middle-Sized Bear. I've never had a real conversation with you, but everything you say about your interactions with friends tells me that this is true.

One-on-one is SO much easier, isn't it. I'm terrified of groups, too, unless I know them all well...

[danceswthcobras.livejournal.com]

I wish I could more often, but I'm arguably even more socially maladjusted than you are, and we're separated by miles.

Still, I understand you loud and clear, I will always remember how much I enjoyed social time with you and Colleen in filk circles many years ago, and I appreciate reading what you have to say. So I'm glad for the opportunity to quietly listen and appreciate, because for reasons you understand as well as anyone, that is pretty much all that I am good for. It's an odd way to have friends, but no less valued and valuable for all of that.

I'm very glad that you're you, and I'm glad you're alive and well, and I'm glad to be able to peer in on the periphery now and then via LJ to see how you are doing and listen to a song or two. Miswired creature that I am, I generally don't feel much of a need to do more that that no matter how much I like or value or appreciate someone. But if someone asks and it occurs to me to answer, I can indeed check in and give them an honest readout. So there you go.

Some folks I left behind in California whom I thought of as friends but never bothered to keep up communication with because I didn't feel the need have passed away. I will never have the chance to tell them that despite my years of silence, I still valued and appreciated them. Had you asked them just before they passed to list their friends, my name would surely not have been remembered, because I am so very bad at reaching out to talk to people for reasons other than practical ones. I can't usually think of any reasons to do so, really, unless I know that they need me for something. In that case I'll be right there. But years can pass, and the chance gone past recovery.

I should, perhaps, remedy this and do what I can to get back in touch with old friends and people who have made my life better just by being themselves. This is a small start anyhow.

[drewkitty.livejournal.com]

Yes, clearly you are a very good listener. My experience is that your remarks tend to be on topic if not always on target, and well worth listening to in return.

[judifilksign.livejournal.com]

I have found you to be a good conversationalist. You truly listen to what is spoken, and comment on topic, rather than just waiting a turn to talk about your stuff not related to the topic at hand.

It is difficult to make new friends when you don't share common interests or experiences. So, in general, it can be hard to interact with the "mundane" world, because you don't share many commonalities with people from which easy conversation happens.

With filkers and techno folks, you share commonalities, and conversations flow so much easier, and friendships can start.

[firecat]

I have not spent all that much time in your company but my limited experience agrees with pocketnaomi's.

Stuff therapists have taught me:

If someone says "you're not listening," they might really mean "I am feeling frustrated because I'm not getting a response I want/expect and I feel like I am not being heard."

It is best for a person to say all of what they really mean, but if they are feeling strong emotions that might not be possible.

Therefore it can also be helpful to install internal filters for some kinds of statements.

A filter might catch certain statements and apply a test such as "Are these feelings talking? Is this person really communicating something else, or something more complicated than what the actual words are saying?"

Or it might catch certain statements and issue a priority interrupt that tells you to switch into full listening mode.

[sdorn.livejournal.com]

Not only do I find you a solid conversationalist, but you have Ideas. That's dangerous. I want to put you and Andrew Abbott in a room together and let you argue about whether God writes in OOP.