River: Listening to you

[mdlbear]

I was surprised -- actually, shocked might be a better way of putting it -- when I realized was forced to admit last night that I actually do have an interpersonal skill that I seem to be good at and even comfortable with: talking with people, one-on-one. Mostly, I'm a good listener.

It's true that I sometimes presume to offer advice, or bring my analytical ability to bear on some problem that I usually don't know much more about than the person talking with me. And I can often offer an outsider's (or occasionally an alien's) perspective based on my observations of normal humans. But mostly I listen and nod sagely. And offer hugs, or even cuddles when they're asked for. Middle-sized bears are usually, if nothing else, comfortable to be around.

Not surprisingly, it was my "little sister" pocketnaomi who shattered my carefully-built self-image by making me realize that, in spite of my social awkwardness, my inability to meet people, my inability to notice or drop hints, to understand or control tone of voice or body language, I still seem to be able to carry on an intelligible conversation on subjects of interest to ordinary humans.

Not to mention geeks and musicians -- swapping songs or technical tidbits has always been easy for me.

The ability to talk about, and understand something about, such things as relationships, interpersonal dynamics, mental states, love, and friendship appears to be very new indeed. It still feels deeply weird to have people coming to me and talking about their relationships, and even weirder that they're finding my comments valuable. That's not something I'm used to yet, and I don't have much trust in anything I have to say on those subjects. You shouldn't either.

I think I've been a pretty good listener for a long time. I am, as I believe I've mentioned, shy, self-conscious, and socially inept -- that means that I find it difficult to actually say something except in answer to a question or in response to some remark that gives me an opening. So I spend a lot of time listening.

The only person I can recall who's recently accused me of not listening is Colleen, and that's because, in her personal vocabulary, "you're not listening" really seems to mean something more like "I don't think I got my point across; if you'd been listening you would have understood it and agreed with me." At which point she usually bursts into tears. It may also be because too often she doesn't have my full attention when she says something. You do have to get my attention: bears are easily distracted.

Colleen's firm belief that I'm not listening may also have come about because I seem to have lost the ability for a while couple of decades and she doesn't realize I have it back.

It wouldn't surprise me if it's what attracted her to me in the first place. I've said elsewhere that, for me, relationships are mainly about friendship, and friendship for me is mainly about talking to one another.

I've written upstream, under the title of Friendship and love, that the River is mostly about love and friendship. So, even more fundamentally, it must be about conversation.

Talk to me.

Comments

[mdlbear]

I'm not terrified of groups, just almost totally incapable of talking in them. I just sit back and listen, and eventually despair of getting a word in edgewise, and leave.

I can easily walk through a crowd, or perform for an audience.

[kshandra]

I'm not terrified of groups, just almost totally incapable of talking in them. I just sit back and listen, and eventually despair of getting a word in edgewise, and leave.

YES.

[drewkitty.livejournal.com]

One benefit of taking speech and debate classes is not just learning to talk in front of crowds, but being willing to get that word in edgewise . . . both the timing of the remark, and the accurate placement of it in the conversational flow.

One major drawback, particularly in fannish circles, is that I'm often seen as a pushy, arrogant SOB. I've learned to live with it. Then again, I keep coming back as a panel moderator, including the signal honor of moderating "how to moderate" panels twice.

[mdlbear]

I've been in Toastmasters, and have taken debate classes. Neither is useful for conversations, because the turn-taking is formalized. They were, however, useful for getting over performance anxiety.

Also, both TM and debate, especially the latter, involve competition, which I have no interest in or love for, and require improvisation and fast thinking, neither of which I am good at.

I have no interest whatever in becoming pushy or arrogant. I am terrible at moderating panels, and prefer to stay off panels and out of filk circles with people who are attention hogs.

Thanks for the suggestion, but no thanks.

[drewkitty.livejournal.com]

More an observation than a suggestion. You are who you are, and there's nothing wrong with that.