The Mandelbear's Musings

From Firefly Aerospace's Blue Ghost lander, via various sources. I'm a little puzzled that I can't find it on Firefly's website; it was apparently originally on the Bird site.

Mission mode change detected, now in Monument Mode
Goodnight friends. After exchanging our final bits of data,
I will hold vigil on this spot in Mare Crisium to watch humanity’s continued journey to the stars.
Here, I will outlast your mightiest rivers, your tallest mountains, and perhaps even your species as we know it.
But it is remarkable that a species might be outlasted by its own ingenuity.
Here lies Blue Ghost, a testament to the team who,
with the loving support of their families and friends,
built and operated this machine and its payloads,
to push the capabilities and knowledge of humanity one small step further.
Per aspera ad astra!
Love, Blue Ghost

(via minoanmiss | Goodbye From The Moon)

Discussing phone chargers, in the context of today's high wind warning, I mentioned to my housemates that we have a 65-million milliamp-hour battery parked in front of the house. (About half-charged at the moment.)

ETA: as it turns out I hadn't divided by voltage, which for a phone charger is typically 5V. So that should be 13M, not 65M. Thanks to madfilkentist for the correction.

Colleen (1am) "What are you doing up?"

Me "Wishing you a happy birthday!" *kiss*

me: I keep reminding my back that when I told people I was going to spend this weekend recovering from last weekend, I meant it as a joke. My back isn't listening. I think it's related to a cat.

Hmm. Not too bad of a week, though I did spend much of it depressed. I got myself an early Father's Day present in the form of a refurb 10" Galaxy Tab 3. I also upgraded my netbook to Ubuntu 14.04. Both had glitches at first; the tablet is back to normal after I removed a couple of apps, one of which was apparently slowing it down to the point where the touchscreen became unresponsive.

Quick tip: if the touchscreen works fine for a little while after a reboot, then becomes unresponsive, blame an app that's hogging the CPU. Some of the apps out there are absolute crap.

Turns out dentists these days are making crowns by milling them out of a solid block of ceramic with a CNC mill. Cool!

Yesterday I had a pretty good session with my doctor -- or rather my doctor's substitute while my doctor is out on maternity leave. Labwork, advice, and a higher dose of antidepressant. Hopefully that will help.

Notable quotes of mine from elsenet: (wisdom from the middle-aged bear?) "Balm throwers as the opposite of bomb throwers." "#NotAllChristians sounds a lot like #NotAllMen." The latter sparked an interesting discussion on FB, with thoughtful people pointing out that whether it's meant as derailing or educational depends on the intended audience. Me, I'm not a Christian, so...

Somehow it doesn't seem as though much happened. A quick look at the house shows that this is not entirely true -- huge progress has been made on the improvements, tens of thousands of dollars have been flung around with abandon (including a 50% down payment on the landscaping, and starting a household checking and savings account), the front yard, massage studio, and lower front bedroom have been torn apart, several new holes have appeared, and so on.

None of this was my doing, of course, except for the financing. I have merely been plugging along at my job, filing the inevitable extension on my taxes, and generally muddling along considerably more slowly than I would like.

This week's quote/self-observation comes from Friday: "Middle-sized bears are extremely timid creatures, but are occasionally so oblivious that it doesn't matter."

Meanwhile, Seattle has been declared #2 among the 12 best places to live in the U.S.. San Francisco is #1. I think the Twin Cities cheated, with Minneapolis nabbing 12th place and St. Paul coming in 10th. (The differential doesn't surprise me -- St. Paul is a university town.)

Other good links amongst the notes, as usual.

OK, I guess that could also have been "done this month". Felt like it, too. Between a dentist appointment (crown prep, only I think I also ended up getting a root canal out of the deal), and some unexpected errand-running, I ended up missing about 6 hours worth of work. Managed to make up most of it, but not all. PTO would have been really nice to have had.

On the other hand, it was a pretty productive week, both at work and at home. So I'm not going to complain too much. I am going to complain, though. I Do Not Need the many kinds of stress that I had to deal with. No, I'm not going into details; you can probably figure most of it out from the notes.

There were some good things, though. Went to Alderwood Mall with Colleen, Emmy, and Naomi. Oysters for lunch at Anthony's -- yum!

On the gripping hand, with several restaurant meals under my belt (literally), my weight has crept up over 200. Do Not Like. And my blood pressure is edging up into the Not So Good range; both of these are probably related to my having run out of my BP pills, which include a diuretic. (Not to worry -- I'm still on one of my two BP-related meds, and will be setting up an appointment soon to deal with the rest of it.)

Found out that one of the developers in my "pod" is 25 years old. That's younger than my older daughter! No wonder he seems a little inexperienced...

Um...

The YD's laptop wasn't charging. She was freaking out about it for a day or so, until she noticed that the charging cord was badly frayed just at the strain relief. Problem solved, since it was a 19V charger and I had another in my Big Box of (power) Bricks. Win.

Quote of the week: "[I have] started thinking about the contradictions inherent in the fact that I like learning things, but am very uncomfortable when I feel that I'm out of my depth. Fallacy somewhere, I fancy."

Link of the week: The Wordsmith's Forge - Poem: "The Formless Ones". Very powerful; possibly triggery (nightmares and PTSD following rape). Part of Ysabet's "Path of the Paladins" series; I think it stands pretty well on its own, but you might want to chase links from her serial poetry page to the rest of it.

I'm also intrigued by the idea of An asexual YA heroine? Why not?. As I said in a comment there, " I have no idea where I am on the a/sexual a/romantic spectrum -- alexithymia will do that -- but it's more on the a- side these days, and a book like this would probably have done me a lot of good when I was a YA."

No walk. Hot. Not much else, either -- read SF short stories online, and watched bits of the ACM A.M. Turing Centenary Celebration webcast. It's archived, so I don't feel bad about missing most of it. When I'm physically attending a conference I can stay focussed; there appear to be too many distractions at home.

Quotes of the day:

Vint Cerf: It's like raising teenagers. You don't know how to do it; you just live through it and one day they turn into people.

Paul Saffo: In 100 years we still won't have a computer that can pass the Turing test, but we will have proved that most members of Congress fail it.

Two boxes of books packed from the office, and three boxes of recycling accumulated. The third is still in the office because the recycling bin is, as usual, full.

Linkie: Linus Torvalds Wins Joint Millennium Technology Prize.

It doesn't look as though I got much done yesterday. That would, however, be somewhat misleading. I applied for Medicare (which should kick in next month), spent a lot of time talking with Naomi and Colleen (and a while on the phone with my Mom, who is very supportive and encouraging), and made some tough decisions largely as a result of those conversations. Not time wasted by any means.

On the other hand, my left wrist hurts. Don't know what I did there. And no walk. Self-care is going to be important over the next few months, so I'll have to work on that.

Oh, and I made up a new tag: 8.3% (which, in case you're wondering, is the current official unemployment rate). And several to-do sub-lists. And sent email asking which of several items in my office that I want have depreciated enough for me to just take home. And started going through my home directories on various systems, doing triage.

As Samuel Johnson said, "The knowledge that one is to be hanged in the morning concentrates the mind wonderfully."

I spent a few minutes in the morning watching the steam from my coffee curl up, lit from the side by my blue SAD light. Very pretty, and soothing.

I actually got out of the house early, to go to the Container Store at a time when there was still parking. The YD wanted to stop at the bank, so she went along. I like the Container Store -- a little pricey, but they have a great selection of little gadgets & such they sell as "stocking stuffers".

And a walk, in the late afternoon, down to the Rose Garden. I'm sadly out of shape. And when did walking on a cloudy winter day start to be depressing? Decades ago, I guess, but think I remember liking it back in college. Or maybe I was just depressed all the time then, so it didn't matter? Oh, well.

QOTD: "'non-observant' doesn't just refer to my religion." I don't remember just what it was that I wasn't observing at the time.

I made a pretty good chicken paprikash for dinner.

There are links. I wish I'd known Val Higgins -- she sounds from her blog entries like a wonderful and brave person, and now she's gone. Not a bad day, on the whole, but a little melancholy around the edges.

It felt like a very long day, mostly at work. Much of it was spent on IM with coworkers, one at home in Alameda and one off-site in Detroit. We got a lot done, but...

Much physical work in the evening. More tiring than I think it would have been a few years ago. Ooof.

I spent the entire evening in the living room with Colleen, rather than holing up in the office as I usually do.

Quote of the day, from me: "I've heard of cutting off your nose to spite your face. How about cutting off your nose just to get rid of the damned nose?" I have a lot of trouble with congestion, you see.

Signal boost for You just broke your child. Congratulations. Other links under the cut.

Colleen: I have only half a colon, so...

Me: Does that make it a semicolon?

Quote of the day:

YD: (whining) I don't have a phone number for Best Buy!

Me: Look it up! I know the phonebook is made of paper, but it still works.

Got a little actual work done, and was delighted to note that they wiped out the 4% pay cut that we had to take last year.

My lunchtime walk took me South on the Guadalupe River trail, past US101. A coworker told me that, in the other direction, the gravel only extends for a mile or so northward; after that it's paved and pleasant. I am probably going to buy a bike over the weekend.

Several good links, including Enlisting the Aid of Your Inner Customer, the latest in haikujaguar's "The Three Micahs" series.

Another good day. I've been having a (short) string of them. Good weather, Spring, sunlight, catching up on sleep, ... who knows? I wish I did know; it might be more repeatable. More later, perhaps.

We went to brunch at El Torito because it's close to the hotel where the Baycon meeting is. The YD wanted to join staff, and is now attached to the Con Suite. Meanwhile, Colleen and I got some loose ends filled in with Programming and Guest Liason. (Did I mention that we're fan GOH's at Baycon this year?)

After that we went out for a drive, and I got (local!) strawberries and tangerines at the fruit stand. I made a tasty dinner: pork chops with apricot-pineapple jam, broccoli, and rice pudding.

Quote of the day:

Cat: we're making dinner.

YD: I don't see you cooking.

Me: She's the brain, I'm the hands. Or at least the pinky.

A couple of good links under the cut, including the Top 10 greatest science fiction detective novels and Dave from Play It With Moxie discusses jazz improv

$boss: $coworker's not here. So no 2 o'clock meeting.

me (checking time): We're having our 2 o'clock meeting.

$boss: Guess we're done, then.

screaming_angel: Where's the gluten-free book?

Me: Most books are gluten-free, actually,.

Hugs make me happy! That may not sound like much, but for someone who's been mildly depressed as long as I can remember, and can't think of anything I can do that makes me happy, that's a major discovery. Whimsy makes me smile, too. Snuggle makes me feel loved, and loving, and contented.

I'm gradually learning that even little things that are a little bit pleasant can raise my mood, bit by bit. I realized, as I was getting ready for my bath, that I expected it to be pleasant. And it was. That's new. I'm starting to learn that things that feel good are good for me even if they don't make me "happy" but only relaxed and contented.

I realized that things like programming, writing, and performing, where I'm in a state of flow while I'm doing them, give me a pleasant feeling of accomplishment afterward. I don't need to think of them as just a way to escape from my feelings.

... and I spent some time in the afternoon helping a friend understand herself and her fear better, and reminded her of what courage really is.

I can be eloquent when I'm trying to be convincing: "Both paths are painfully steep; go with the one that leads up-hill." "Remember, courage consists of pushing through in spite of your fears. You're scared, but you're going out shopping this afternoon because you know that the fear is transient, and the love and happiness will still be there when it's gone."

I'll have to be very careful, though; words can hurt as well as heal, and sometimes the word that seems most accurate at the time can bring up a lot of unwanted associations and cause unintended pain. Deeply regretting my words is all very well, but it doesn't undo the damage.

I've often tried to explain to Colleen, and occasionally to other people, that, no, I wasn't making an accusation, I was just trying to describe the situation. Maybe I need to pay attention, take a couple of deep breaths, and take the time to choose my words more carefully. I'm a songwriter -- I ought to be able to find words that get the point across without causing damage in the process.

A good day. Sometimes a little uncomfortable, but worthwhile.

Today's link sausage includes Wikipedia articles on positive psychology and flow, a program that composes images from sketches, the FSF's brief explaining why software patents are bad, Sanyo eneloop rechargeable batteries, and this fascinating list of possibly pleasant things to do.

It was mostly a pretty good day, if I remember correctly. Good phone calls from Callie and Eileen - the latter for no particular reason except that I'd put "just being a friend" in my wishlist. Yay! I love my friends!

After picking Naomi up at the airport for her weekend visit (did I mention that I love my friends?) I headed back to work for a 6pm videoconference to try to get $demo working. Fail. $boss was there, too, for most of it; we eventually concluded that the combination of high latency, low bandwidth, and video eating up most of that were going to make it a miserable user experience even if we did get it working.

Lots of anxiety/tension. But dinner and good conversation were waiting for me at home; I'm not complaining. Got awakened at at 2am by a snuggly Colleen; I'm not complaining about that either.

I think I'm going to leave the link sausage for a separate post.

Colleen (singing): I'm in love with a big blue frog / A big blue frog loves me...

Me: Hey, you didn't tell me you had a new sweetie!

Colleen: *laughs*

Colleen: "You're my purrrrrrrrfect Bear and I love you."

Me: "You're purrrrrrrrrplexing, but I love you anyway."

(from several conversations today:)

Me: Good drugs and good friends -- an unbeatable combination.

Seen on a sign in the Kaiser hospital parking lot:

Valet Parking Temporally Full

Me: "Keeping a list of things I've done really seems to help."

Colleen: "Kissing your wife. You can put that on the list, too."

Me: Ready to go downstairs?

Chaos: I'm not dressed yet!

Me: OK, so when I'm busy on my computer I'm not paying enough attention to notice that there's a half-naked woman in the room. Your mother has already complained about this.

Chaos: Good morning, Selkit.

Me: I am, in fact, working on a livejournal post about my bad memory.

Y.D. Why are you working on a post about your memory?

Me: I forget.