Done yesterday (20091006)

[mdlbear]

1006 Tu
  * up 6:33; W=195.6; drugs, nose, teeth; coffee, C
  = Aha:  Hugs make me feel happy!  Cuddle makes me feel loved, and
    loving.  Whimsy makes me smile, too.
  x print selected PJ posts for Susan
  * 10am Susan
  * remember to bring home Kindle box, Mac
  " Both paths are painfully steep; go with the one that leads up-hill. "  
  @ http://www.groklaw.net/article.php?story=20091002212330353
    FSF Files Amicus Brief in Bilski - The Country Needs and Relies on FOSS
  @ http://news.ecoustics.com/bbs/messages/10381/595121.html
    Sanyo eneloop Rechargeable Batteries
  @ http://gizmodo.com/5374890/this-is-a-photoshop-and-it-blew-my-mind
    This _Is_ a Photoshop and It Blew My Mind
  @ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mihaly_Csikszentmihalyi (about flow)
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology)
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_psychology
  ! AHA: dealt with my depression about N not going to OVFF by substituting a
    positive thought: I can spend more time meeting people.  CBT mind trick.
  ! I helped a friend by helping her understand herself better, and work
    through a scary situation.  At least I _think_ that's what I was doing.
  * 5pm Tantau: CBT class
    @ http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/er_handout_8.html
    @ http://oafc.stanford.edu/coppes.html
  * verify that tomorrow is water day
  & Some whimsy with Naomi  ! amused  "Bears are easily amused."
  & some debugging in PJ/Makefile
    ! I'm in flow while I'm doing it; I usually get a sense of accomplishment
      when I'm done.
  * small amount of decluttering in the office and around the house
    ! noticed and enjoyed the feeling of accomplishment
  & Found that Colleen had bought me some gluten-free chocolate cupcakes
    ! delight
  * 10:45 bath.  ! _anticipated_ pleasure.  That's new.
  * 11:30 bed, snuggle.

Hugs make me happy! That may not sound like much, but for someone who's been mildly depressed as long as I can remember, and can't think of anything I can do that makes me happy, that's a major discovery. Whimsy makes me smile, too. Snuggle makes me feel loved, and loving, and contented.

I'm gradually learning that even little things that are a little bit pleasant can raise my mood, bit by bit. I realized, as I was getting ready for my bath, that I expected it to be pleasant. And it was. That's new. I'm starting to learn that things that feel good are good for me even if they don't make me "happy" but only relaxed and contented.

I realized that things like programming, writing, and performing, where I'm in a state of flow while I'm doing them, give me a pleasant feeling of accomplishment afterward. I don't need to think of them as just a way to escape from my feelings.

... and I spent some time in the afternoon helping a friend understand herself and her fear better, and reminded her of what courage really is.

I can be eloquent when I'm trying to be convincing: "Both paths are painfully steep; go with the one that leads up-hill." "Remember, courage consists of pushing through in spite of your fears. You're scared, but you're going out shopping this afternoon because you know that the fear is transient, and the love and happiness will still be there when it's gone."

I'll have to be very careful, though; words can hurt as well as heal, and sometimes the word that seems most accurate at the time can bring up a lot of unwanted associations and cause unintended pain. Deeply regretting my words is all very well, but it doesn't undo the damage.

I've often tried to explain to Colleen, and occasionally to other people, that, no, I wasn't making an accusation, I was just trying to describe the situation. Maybe I need to pay attention, take a couple of deep breaths, and take the time to choose my words more carefully. I'm a songwriter -- I ought to be able to find words that get the point across without causing damage in the process.

A good day. Sometimes a little uncomfortable, but worthwhile.

 

Today's link sausage includes Wikipedia articles on positive psychology and flow, a program that composes images from sketches, the FSF's brief explaining why software patents are bad, Sanyo eneloop rechargeable batteries, and this fascinating list of possibly pleasant things to do.