This is largely a continuation of the discussion I started in Friendship and love
a long while ago. You should probably go read it soon. It was getting
long, had been in the queue for altogether too long, and I had a
particular reason for posting it when I did. But it wasn't the end of the
story by any means. This post has been in the queue even longer by now,
and it looks as though there will still be more to say. But
Valentine's Day seemed like a good excuse to finally post it.
Unlike F&L, which was mainly about the emotion of love and
what the word means, this post is about talking about love, and
in particular talking about it between friends. I don't have a whole lot
of experience in this department -- in fact, I'm so far out of my depth
that I can't touch bottom -- so if you have anything to add or to
correct in this one, please do. It could probably also stand a
thorough going-over to see whether I still believe anything I say in it.
It won't get it.
So, is it love? Should we talk about it?
You know, if you have to ask either question, the answer is probably
"yes." Well, if I have to ask either question--I don't know how
it is for you.
The first one is pretty easy, at least with my definition of love as an
emotional relationship worth taking seriously. If the question comes up
at all, you're taking the relationship seriously enough to call it "love",
at least to a first approximation. It probably won't come up
unless one of you has recognized some of the symptoms of falling
in love (the subject of a future post, perhaps). How do you refine that
approximation? Ask your friend for help.
(As an aside, I think that missing your friend -- thinking about
them when they're not around, wondering whether they'll call, feeling
happy when they do -- is a good indication that that there's enough of an
emotional connection to be worth at least talking about and clarifying.)
You'll notice I'm assuming that you are friends. If not, start
by becoming friends, unless all you're looking for is a whirlwind
romance that's likely to end quickly and perhaps painfully. I don't have
any advice for you in that case.
The second one is even easier, especially if your friend has just started
the conversation. You need to talk about it.
I'm also assuming that one of you is a geek.
I'm using "geek" here to mean someone a lot like me: someone not very in
touch with their feelings. We geeks tend to be shy, inexperienced, and
socially awkward, though there are exceptions and some of us hide a core
of deep shyness under a veneer of superficial friendliness. We have
trouble expressing ourselves in social situations and especially in
relationships. We tend to be very analytical (as you can see), and prefer
to overanalyze social situations rather than diving in and going on
intuition. We either don't have much in the way of intuition, or don't
trust it. We can't "read" other people, and have to rely on analysis
again to figure out what the other person in a conversation is thinking or
feeling. We don't understand people very well.
I could also have used the term "loner", as I did a
few weeks months ago. Perhaps even "introvert". No
matter. If you see yourself or your friend in that description, I'm
talking to you.
If neither of you fits very much of this description, go for it, and have
fun. I probably can't help you much except to say "be friends first." If
you're in touch with your feelings but tend to have trouble expressing
them, you can probably proceed as if you're a geek; that's pretty much
where I am these days -- a recovering geek who's trying to figure out this
whole "being human" thing.
The remaining three cases might be better analyzed by thinking about which
end of the conversation you're on: are you a geek trying to talk to your
friend about your love for them, or are you a non-geek trying to talk
to a geek about your love for them? Or, in the third case, are
you a geek with a friend who says they love you? Are you a geek in love,
in love with a geek, or a loved geek?
We'll take those in reverse order, which also turns out to be in order of
increasing difficulty. Did I mention that we geeks tend to be analytical?
Are you a loved geek?
This one is easy, because your friend has already done the hard part and
started the conversation. You're loved. Cool!
Now you have to take a good look at your feelings, which isn't
exactly easy, but let's face it: you've been given a broad hint about
where to start looking. It may take a while to figure it out, but that's
OK. The main things to remember are that you're friends, and
friends like to talk to one another, and you're a geek, and geeks
like to figure things out. It may be a very different conversation than
you're used to, and a very different problem from any you've solved
before. Nothing wrong with that.
It's not that simple, of course. This may be a completely new experience.
Even if you've had people fall in love with you before it probably came
out of nowhere, from someone you thought of as "just a good friend".
You're going to have to totally re-think that relationship.
If the person who asked is not a geek -- and they probably
aren't, considering -- this is probably as new and weird an experience for
them as it is for you. Maybe weirder. They may not realize that you're
totally unlike anyone they've ever fallen in love with before.
You need to recognize that they probably haven't thought it through --
they're going on intuition. They may be terribly disappointed if you
don't immediately say that you love them back, or if where you'd like to
see the relationship going is different from where they see it going.
Tough. This might take a while.
You're going to have to figure out what you mean by love. We geeks don't
always have "falling in love" as a guide -- if you didn't hear bells and
choirs of angels when your friend said "I love you", don't worry. I'd
been married to Colleen for years before I had anything
approximating that feeling.
I've also had the fascinating experience of falling in love without
realizing it at first, and taking even longer to figure out just who I had
fallen in love with. It's going to be hard for your friend to
understand just how unsure you are of your feelings. Talk it over.
Are you in love with a geek?
(I'm assuming you're the non-geek in this conversation. Otherwise it
reduces to the next case.)
If you're waiting for your geek to start the conversation, to say they
love you, don't hold your breath. Seriously: even if they know
they love you back, they're probably too shy to say anything. And they
probably don't know. You may be dead certain that they love you,
but they aren't likely to have even thought about it until you
speak up.
Don't hint, either. They won't notice. They can't read people the way
you can. You're going to have to be direct.
Bear in mind that this is probably going to be at least as weird an
experience for you as it is for them. Maybe weirder -- it's entirely
possible that your geek has had relationships with non-geeks
before. You probably haven't.
If you're comfortable saying "I love you" to someone you've fallen in love
with, you're probably used to getting an instant response: either a quick
"Oh, I love you too!" or an equally quick and hopefully gentle rejection.
You're probably not used to bafflement, stunned silence, or
outright fear. You've probably never heard someone say "I have no idea
what that means." Brace yourself.
The geek you've fallen in love with might well find that they love you
without having "fallen in love" at all. Or they might not have any idea
what love is -- the prevailing cultural myths and assumptions
about love don't apply to them. Figuring it all out is going to take
time. Maybe months. Maybe longer.
Hang on to your friendship. That's your lifeline, your connection. Work
with your friend on figuring out what your relationship is, and
where it wants to go. Don't get too hung up on whether you both call it
"love" -- that's not the important thing. The important thing is to
figure out what you both want. I'll get back to that.
Are you a geek in love?
If you have to start the conversation -- if you love your friend but they
haven't said anything about loving you -- things may get a little
complicated. Maybe not -- it's possible that they love you too, and
simply were too shy to say so. In that case, the game's over: you both
win. Keep talking.
(There are lots of reasons why your friend might not have said anything.
Maybe they're a geek too, and simply hadn't noticed or hadn't thought
about the possibility. Or maybe, especially if they're not a
geek, you simply didn't fit the "person in love" pattern they're used to.
They don't realize that the "falling in love" part may be optional for
you, or that you've gotten good at hiding your emotions, sometimes even
from yourself. But it doesn't matter: you're talking.)
It's also possible that your friend doesn't love you, or hadn't
thought about the possibility, or simply has such a different idea of love
that they can't wrap their head around your version. It's
important to remember that, in that case, you still have your
friendship. And what's more, you're talking about your
friendship.
Of course, that means you have to start talking. That's the hard part.
It's also the part of this discussion where I have the least experience.
My friend ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
pocketnaomi occasionally speaks of "my habit of
throwing my heart over a wall and jumping after it" -- and of sometimes
having to haul it back by main force and worry about how many pieces got
left behind. She's very shy, but she isn't a geek -- she knows where she
wants her heart to go.
My own experience is more like having my heart dive off a cliff and wait
at the bottom -- sometimes whimpering plaintively, sometimes making silly
faces at me where I can't see it but everybody else can -- until I finally
figure out where it went and summon the courage to dive after it. My main
worry is whether I'll land on top of it and squash it flat.
Usually my friend throws me a rope; jumping off on my own would be scary.
I think the biggest fear is whether saying something about love would
damage the ongoing friendship. All I can say is that it probably
wouldn't. It never has, when someone said it to me, or when I've
said it to someone else.
Hmm. I think there's a lot to say here, but in the near-total absence of
any recent experience, I'm probably not the one to be giving advice.
I do know this: you can't start exploring without starting the journey.
If you don't start, you're always going to wonder where it would have
taken you.
What do we talk about?
Mostly, you have to talk about what your relationship is, and
where you want it to go, not what to call it.
Yes, one of you might feel more strongly connected than the other. One of
you might even be willing to call that connection "love", while the other
continues to insist that's it's merely deep friendship. One of you might
have fallen in love, or noticed the symptoms, while the other hasn't even
considered it as a possibility. Very likely, speaking from my own
experience. But how can one really tell? Is it a difference of emotion,
or of committment, or merely of personal terminology?
You have to ask questions like "What do you mean by {love, romance,
friendship}?" "What do you want out of this relationship?" If you're
starting the conversation, you should have at least preliminary answers
ready.
Again, this is something that I have no recent experience with, though I
can speculate. More later, perhaps.
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