Random thoughts after a walk in the dark

[mdlbear]

I rarely take walks at night anymore, but it seemed like the thing to do. Didn't improve my mood much, but at least I got a walk in and I suppose it helped a little. Walked around the Rose Garden; the gates are locked at sunset, so I wasn't able to go in. It probably wouldn't have helped much anyway, though there's always a little comfort to be found in the company of the Royal Amethyst.

The field beside the Middle School where my daughters no longer go was occupied by some sporting event I couldn't identify -- milling around and shouting under glaring lights. It was over by the time I was headed home, with a pair of school busses pulling up to take the winners or losers home.

My left ankle hurts - it hasn't bothered me for weeks. It probably just wants attention.

I want to have a deep conversation about something intricately technical. Or a lighthearted, whimsical conversation with somebody who just wants to burble about their latest source of joy. Or try to cheer up somebody who needs it. But I won't, because I don't want to bother anyone or call anyone up to just dump on them. And wouldn't know who to call anyway.

I want to sit on a couch with somebody sad and beautiful who I'm not in love with, stroking her hair and kissing away her tears, assuring her that everything will be all right.

Instead, I'm going to go water my nose, sing "The Mary Ellen Carter", and do something technological but ultimately mostly brainless like move a soundcard from one machine to another, write a one-page CGI script, or fiddle with Makefiles and HEADER.html pages.

Comments

[rowanf.livejournal.com]

*virtual hugs* I love listening to sad songs when I'm melancholy. Janice Ian being a perennial fave for angsty goodness. *grin*

[mdlbear]

I used to crawl into a dark, echoy corner and recite Yeats...

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

This conversation is reminding me of a song by Neil Diamond - "Song Sung Blue (http://www.neildiamondhomepage.com/lyricpag.htm#songsungblue)"... to wit:

Me and you are subject to the blues now and then,
But when you take the blues and make a song, you sing them out again...

[mdlbear]

Know that song, but never liked it much. The good thing about "The Mary Ellen Carter" is that it's not sad, it's defiant.

No matter what you've lost,
Be it a home, a love, a friend
Like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again!

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Wow.
You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.

[mdlbear]

No, but I know how much I need it sometimes. That song has gotten me -- and my family -- through a lot of rough times.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

I've never heard the song, and, until I Googled it, never knew the lyrics.

I don't talk about it much in LJ, because there's nothing much anyone could do for me, and sympathy, while comforting, becomes frustrating after a while... but I've been sailing through some very stormy waters, upwind and against the tide, for more than a year now. If I lose heart, my ship will founder on the rocks; so far, I've mostly managed to keep the crew's spirits up by sheer force of will, but, oh, I needed that reminder! Thank you!

[mdlbear]

Let me know if you need an audible copy, and I'll put a rip up where you can find it. Or record myself singing it.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

That would be extremely kind of you. I've been trying to find a downloadable MP3 since I read the lyrics, but there don't seem to be any available (although I did find a short sample of the song on the Fogarty's Cove website). My email address is acelightning (at) monmouth (dot) com. Thank you!

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

(hug) I'm sure there will be some way to work this situation out, but it is certainly frustrating while you're caught in it.

[mdlbear]

It seems to require some kind of talent for dealing with bureaucracy that I completely lack. Any other time I'd let Colleen handle it, but when she's the one it's happening to she has a tendency to fall apart.