River: Bullying

[mdlbear]

Phoebe Prince, South Hadley High School's 'new girl,' driven to suicide by teenage cyber bullies Via a chain starting with Megan Kelley Hall, through seanan_mcguire to admnaismith.

The Daily News headline is misleading: there was physical bullying, too. And I don't like its tone. This one from Slate is better. There are too many to list, or even to look through. Some of the comments are harrowing.

Didn't we learn from Columbine? Evidently not. Most victims are like Phoebe -- they take it out on themselves.

I didn't get physically bullied, as far as I can remember. It was all verbal -- they called it "teasing". And luckily there were other geeks in my junior high and high school -- we called ourselves the Chess and Bridge Club and holed up in the Latin teacher's classroom before school started. Thank goodness, too, for tracking -- we mostly had our classes with the other geeks. Unlike some people whose stories I've seen, my parents never took the bullies' side, but they didn't have much advice for me, either.

The scars are still there, when I think to look for them. Mostly I never thought about them, which is probably the biggest scar of all. I still don't know where they all are.

Comments

[dsmoen.livejournal.com]

Yep, I totally hear you on all of the above.

Managed to blurp up some of my later scars, but still haven't looked at the earlier ones.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

I know precisely where each of my scars is, how wide and how deep each one is, who called me "Martian" or "walking dictionary" or "four-eyes", who pummeled me every day on my way home from school. I remember throwing up into the shrubbery as I walked to school every morning for an entire year, my stomach in knots at the prospect of having to face those people again. I also remember each adult who said, "Why would those big boys want to hit a little girl like you? You must have done something to provoke them!" and "Why are you making up stories to get those good kids in trouble?" and "If you would just try to act 'normal' and stop being so smart and weird, there wouldn't be any problem!" and "Don't let them get to you. Just ignore them, and they'll get bored and stop."

{several more pages of this sort of thing redacted}

[rowanf.livejournal.com]

Oh gods, yes. I heard those things from adults too. When I actually said something, which I mostly didn't. I mean, being spit on is humiliating... telling adults about it? No way.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

And they don't believe you anyway.

[kshandra]

Oh, you were a Martian, too? Maybe that's why we're both purple. *wry smile*

[mdlbear]

I was a Purple People Eater, mostly.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

"Mister Purple People Eater, don't eat me!" ;-)

[mdlbear]

;)

I think it started with someone yelling out a car window "Who wears short shorts? Fatty wears short shorts!" the summer the song came out. :(

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Odd, since at the time Martians were "little green men"...

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

Just ignore them, and they'll get bored and stop

The Big Lie.

They're getting so much feedback from each other they don't need any from you; you could be a straw doll and they would keep doing it.

But it's easier to blame the victim than for grownups to actually get off their butts and protect the innocent.

[mdlbear]

Oh. Right.

I'd forgotten about that one.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Also, "They're just trying to get a rise out of you. Don't give them the satisfaction, and they'll stop bothering." Another Big Lie.

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

Semantically closely related to the "just ignore them" Big Lie, yes.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

There's a subtle but important difference. "Just ignore them" is very general, and rather passive. "Don't give them the satisfaction of getting a reaction from you" appeals to me more (or it would if it were true), because it implies that there is a "moral high ground" you can reach by refusing to react.

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

Both prescribe the same action (or lack of action) and falsely imply that this will solve the problem.

I agree that they differ, but in my opinion, they differ in that "ignore them" is more neutral "and don't give them the satisfaction" implies more directly that you the victim are giving them a reward. This could I guess be more "satisfying" if they decide to quit, but since they are very unlikely to decide to quit, its actual effect is more directly victim-blaming. Like saying "it's your fault for reacting to the pain."

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

There's an underlying assumption that the tormentors do it because they are sadists who enjoy it when their victims cry and beg them to stop. This leads to the idea that they will stop bothering if they don't get the desired reaction, and also that it's somehow more "noble" (less "cowardly"?) to suffer in silence and not react at all. There are a few things wrong with this concept, though. For one thing, it appears that most bullies don't enjoy inflicting pain so much as they enjoy the feeling of power over their victims; furthermore, they may be doing it mainly because the "popular kids" do it, and they want to be one of the popular kids. And, of course, if the victim doesn't react, the bully is more likely to escalate the attacks than to stop.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

(LJ seems to have eaten my first attempt at a reply.)

It's naively believed that bullies behave that way because they are sadists - because they enjoy seeing their victims in pain, crying and begging them to stop. Therefore, if they don't get the "reward" of their victims' reactions, they won't bother any more. There's also a pervasive feeling that it's someohow more "noble" (less "cowardly"?) to suffer in silence and not react at all. Unfortunately, bullies are rarely just simple sadists; it's not their victims' pain they enjoy, it's the feeling of raw power-over. And, of course, if their victims don't respond, they're more likely to increase their attacks, not stop them.

[mbumby.livejournal.com]

*nods* I remember the principal telling me that if I wore different clothes the kids might like me better. (As if I could. When I started High School my mom was not only buying my clothes, but telling me what to wear in the morning.)

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

I tried to look "normal"; I put my hair in curlers when I went to sleep, and bought clothes that I thought looked like the ones the other girls wore. They weren't, of course, and my carefully curled hair went limp and stringy by lunchtime, because that's the kind of hair I have. Of course, a big part of the problem was that I was two years younger than anyone else in my class; what looked right on a 14-year-old just looked pathetic on an underdeveloped 12-year-old. (I was also advised to try to "act normal", but I simply wasn't able to.)

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

My scars are still there too; I just try to think about those times and those "people" as little as possible.

They were trying to destroy my happiness. The best revenge is to be happy anyway.

[mdlbear]

*hugs*

bullying

[roaringmouse.livejournal.com]

I have been reading both the newspaper website (www.thebostonglobe.com)and keeping track via www.wbztv.com and www.thebostonchannel.com. So, far two boys and a girl have been charged. One of the boys have been just charged with DUI. There was a possible sexual assault. The prinicpal and the school district superintendent have both been asked why are they still at the school during a town hall meeting. However, yes, it is the suburbs of Boston. But the mentality in this area is rural redneck... I know I grow in this part of the world.

[roaringmouse.livejournal.com]

I forgot this part. I saw my bullies at the 15 year reunion. Karma.. most were drunks and as narrow minded as before. They live in the same area and did not go to college.