River: PSA: Shouting at you

[mdlbear]

Colleen frequently accuses me of "shouting at" her. I finally figured out exactly what's going on in that process. It's fascinating.

If I'm in the middle of saying something and the noise level suddenly rises, for example a truck going by or somebody starting the vacuum cleaner, I'm going to raise my voice in hopes that I'll be heard over the noise. This also happens in the brief interval between when I figure out what I'm going to say, and when I start talking.

Now, you may remember me mentioning that I don't multitask, and that there really isn't room in my little bearlike brain for more than one of listening, thinking, and talking. So, when I'm talking, I'm not listening. If you start talking, for example trying to interrupt me, my bearlike brain isn't going to be able to tell the difference between your voice and a passing truck. I'm going to raise my voice, and you're going to say I was shouting at you.

I'm not going to argue over whether trying to be heard is the same thing as shouting at you; it feels the same to you. I'm sorry I mistook your voice for a passing truck; I just couldn't help it.

(Note that, if you talk while I'm thinking about what to say next, I'm just going to miss the first few words and stare blankly while I try desperately to both make sense of what I heard and reconstruct what I was about to say.)

Now, I'm also told that I have a tendency to rant, and not leave anyone else an opening to say anything. This also happens when I'm simply blathering; I'm not sure whether the difference between rant and blather is important to anyone but me, and it's not relevant here in any case. The point is, you might be tempted to try to talk over me and hope you'll be noticed.

You won't be. I'll shout over you, and won't hear much, if anything, of what you're saying. Here's what to do instead:

One thing you can say is "Basingstoke". That's the keyword that essentially means "calm down and stop blathering" -- I will eventually wind down my rant and listen to you.

If that doesn't work, or you're in a hurry, say "Shut up!" More than once, if necessary. I'll shut up, and I won't be offended. Honest. I'll be startled, but not offended; in fact I'll be pleased because you remembered what to do. You see, I know that this is a problem. I'll work on it, but it's probably going to be hard, maybe impossible, for me to fix the fact that I can't distinguish your voice from a passing truck while I'm talking. But I've given you a workaround, and I'm not going to be offended if you use it.

Comments

[tetralizard.livejournal.com]

I've had to tell Og from time to time to turn down the volume because of all the loud noise around him. With the problem of him talking over me, I'll sometimes do a time out sign and tell him that I haven't been able to tell my point and he keeps talking over me and I'll also tell him - let me finish before he puts his comments in. The other thing I do is if I'm in a group of people who are crosstalking and I keep getting stepped on is I'll raise my hand (asking to be recognized) and then when I finally get the floor tell my part. Communication is such a difficult thing!

[mdlbear]

Good point. Signs only work if the person is looking at you, which isn't always the case. Very effective if they are looking in your direction, though.

[johno.livejournal.com]

I still don't do it near often enough, but one of the lessons I learned doing tech support is that many folks are not offended by being told to "Shut Up"

[mdlbear]

Problem is that many folks are, and there's no good way to tell the difference in advance. Now that we have a prior agreement, ...

Colleen is easily offended; "Basingstoke" is a good alternative for her.