River: Distracted?

[mdlbear]

I'm feeling pretty seriously out of it right now. I shouldn't snap at my daughter in total confusion when she asks me to take my laundry out of the drier. I shouldn't scrape my car on a concrete pillar getting out of a parking spot, the way I did last night. I shouldn't be so distracted that I pay $1500 to Alhambra instead of to Amex.

I should be socializing more at OSCon, the way I did the last three or four years. I should be getting more done at work. And at home. I shouldn't let bills and paperwork pile up, the way I have been.

I should make more music. I should pay more attention to the people closest to me. The people I love. I should take better care of myself.

I'm stressed, and distressed, and distracted. Probably depressed, but I can't really tell -- I'm not feeling much of anything right now.

Comments

[obsessivewoman.livejournal.com]

I agree with the others, this is a common stress reaction and you *are* depleted. Are you getting your walks in? Full night's sleep? Bills can be easily sorted out, scrapes happen, people over-react and can apologize, and you can do what you can do - and no more, Mr. SuperBear. So, you'll need to be a little kinder to yourself and make more reasonable goals when you see you have pushed too hard or set too many tasks for yourself. You may also want to check in one the medication level for the antidepressant if you continue to feel like this (or non-feeling from overload).

It does sound like you are still doing all "your" tasks + the caretaker + worker tasks. Perhaps some of the tasks can be passed along - even with incentives, if feasible, to others to give you a break. So, for example, perhaps setting up automatic bill paying so you don't have to remember it all or having Colleen/someone you trust to pay the bills. Intuit has a program that can also integrate with banking programs, write the checks, and help balance the checkbook. Also keeps track of business expenses (to help at tax time). There may be something for Linux.

Good luck, my friend. And take care...

Also, I once had an administrative assistant - she kept track of *everything* for me - it was sad when I had to leave that job. You can hire yourself one. It shouldn't take too many hours to keep track of some of the household tasks - like bill paying, filing business receipts so you have them in order for taxes, etc. I have a friend that does odd jobs like this that might be interested, if you don't have someone. I hire her occasionally to help me out. She'll be back in town in August. She has a degree for being a Museum Curator and was a caretaker for both her mother and father before their deaths so, of coarse, she needs work.

[mdlbear]

I am not, unfortunately, getting all my walks in; only about half of them. I have no idea how one checks antidepressant levels; any experimentation would take so damned long that there are too many variables involved.

The idea of delegating the bill-paying is arguably more terrifying than making the occasional mistake, but it's probably a good one. That doesn't mean I'll do it. Might want to talk to your friend.

[obsessivewoman.livejournal.com]

Okay this is both from experience as someone who worked through severe depression and from training (many years ago) as a therapist.

The reason I asked about the walks immediately after mentioning your med levels is that there is a correlation with therapy effectiveness and adherence to an exercise program. The main thing with the exercise is that it works synergistically with the talk therapy and the medication. [For some folks with mild problems, exercise is as effective as medication in treating anxiety and depression. http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=combatting-depression-wit] So when you skip that routine, it's as if the level of antidepressants you take isn't as strong. That's one of the few physical components you have control over so I'd suggest that you get back to making that the priority. (Maybe even add short walks at work - convince people to do walking meetings at work when docs aren't necessary, walk before or after lunch, in lieu of smoke breaks or other activities: http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression.)

Next, I'd suggest that if you haven't already, you tell your prescribing doctor/therapist what you shared on your blog. Especially that you aren't feeling anything. The things you posted are really good examples of how depression is affecting your work and home life. Additionally, given that you just had another death in the family, it's possible that they may want your antidepressant dose adjusted up a little for a while.

Anyway, this is just my take. Your milage may vary. ;)

Things will get better my friend.

-----

After Maggi gets back to town, I'll check back with you and then see if she wants to set something up.

[mdlbear]

Walking meetings wouldn't work; aside from the fact that there aren't that many meetings, the ones we have either involve a slide talk or a bunch of people taking notes and giving demos on computers. My own work requires a computer as well. I usually eat at my desk and walk after that, but if I've spent the morning running errands, a meeting runs over, or I need to spend time on IM or the phone to a friend, the walk sometimes goes out the window.

I _might_ manage to tell my shrink about the depression. My last few therapy appointments haven't been terribly useful.