River: Distracted?

[mdlbear]

I'm feeling pretty seriously out of it right now. I shouldn't snap at my daughter in total confusion when she asks me to take my laundry out of the drier. I shouldn't scrape my car on a concrete pillar getting out of a parking spot, the way I did last night. I shouldn't be so distracted that I pay $1500 to Alhambra instead of to Amex.

I should be socializing more at OSCon, the way I did the last three or four years. I should be getting more done at work. And at home. I shouldn't let bills and paperwork pile up, the way I have been.

I should make more music. I should pay more attention to the people closest to me. The people I love. I should take better care of myself.

I'm stressed, and distressed, and distracted. Probably depressed, but I can't really tell -- I'm not feeling much of anything right now.

Comments

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

And you shouldn't "should" all over yourself...

[mdlbear]

*smile* I know.

[hsifyppah.livejournal.com]

You should stop shoulding and take a nap, I bet. Your life situation now is way more intense and demanding on you than say a year ago. Let go of standards you set for yourself in the past. That was then, this is now, and you're doing the best you can and you're loved. Take a deep breath. It's all going to be okay.

[mdlbear]

Cuddle and sleep helped, indeed. I'm still pretty close to the edge.

[callibr8]

You are "should-ing" on yourself. Please stop.

Does your financial institution have online bill pay? If they don't, I'd strongly urge you to switch to one (such as a credit union), that does. Makes the whole process MUCH easier, imo - and perhaps even puts it in the realm of something that Colleen could do?

Hope you feel better soon. You sound not so much depressed as overwhelmed.

**hugs**

[mdlbear]

I use online bill-paying almost exclusively now, which is how I managed to type 1500 in the wrong box. :(

I emailed you some contact information for a job lead; hope you got it. He probably won't be back in town and contactable until Monday, of course.

[septemberlilac.livejournal.com]

Oh, I wish I had something helpful to tell you - you say you're not feeling much but the frantic pain in your words comes off the screen in waves. Maybe...forgive yourself for being a mere mortal human being? You're dealing with so many things right now, some of them at crisis pitch, all of them important, and probably feeling like you have to run faster and faster just to keep from losing ground. But when it's too overwhelming, sometimes you have to temporarily let go of what you "should" do and just focus on what you *can* do. And you know all that, but sometimes it's hard to see the stars in the middle of a howling storm, so I thought it might bear repeating. *Hugs.*

[mdlbear]

Thanks. The imagery you used is wonderful, and helps as much as the words.

One problem is that what I *can* do rarely seems to be enough.

[obsessivewoman.livejournal.com]

I agree with the others, this is a common stress reaction and you *are* depleted. Are you getting your walks in? Full night's sleep? Bills can be easily sorted out, scrapes happen, people over-react and can apologize, and you can do what you can do - and no more, Mr. SuperBear. So, you'll need to be a little kinder to yourself and make more reasonable goals when you see you have pushed too hard or set too many tasks for yourself. You may also want to check in one the medication level for the antidepressant if you continue to feel like this (or non-feeling from overload).

It does sound like you are still doing all "your" tasks + the caretaker + worker tasks. Perhaps some of the tasks can be passed along - even with incentives, if feasible, to others to give you a break. So, for example, perhaps setting up automatic bill paying so you don't have to remember it all or having Colleen/someone you trust to pay the bills. Intuit has a program that can also integrate with banking programs, write the checks, and help balance the checkbook. Also keeps track of business expenses (to help at tax time). There may be something for Linux.

Good luck, my friend. And take care...

Also, I once had an administrative assistant - she kept track of *everything* for me - it was sad when I had to leave that job. You can hire yourself one. It shouldn't take too many hours to keep track of some of the household tasks - like bill paying, filing business receipts so you have them in order for taxes, etc. I have a friend that does odd jobs like this that might be interested, if you don't have someone. I hire her occasionally to help me out. She'll be back in town in August. She has a degree for being a Museum Curator and was a caretaker for both her mother and father before their deaths so, of coarse, she needs work.

[mdlbear]

I am not, unfortunately, getting all my walks in; only about half of them. I have no idea how one checks antidepressant levels; any experimentation would take so damned long that there are too many variables involved.

The idea of delegating the bill-paying is arguably more terrifying than making the occasional mistake, but it's probably a good one. That doesn't mean I'll do it. Might want to talk to your friend.

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

Oh, my goodness, you're totally exhausted! Reminds me of me before my sleep apnea got diagnosed. I finally went to see a doctor after realizing that going to sleep earlier did no good at all. (I was, by the sleep study's criteria, "waking up" dozens of times an hour, needing to rise up out of a sleep state enough to tighten my muscles in my neck so I could breathe in. Thus, though I had no consciousness of being wakeful, I wasn't getting any deep sleep at all and was exhausted all the time, no matter how diligently I went to bed on time/early.)

Have you talked to a _medical_ doctor about the fact that you seem to be less rested despite being in bed for more hours than you used to need?

After all, you have been focused really closely on Colleen's physical state, not your own. Perhaps something has changed for you, and you didn't notice.

[mdlbear]

I sleep with a CPAP; that's not the problem. The fact that Colleen wakes up several times/night to use the commode doesn't help; even when she doesn't need help, I usually wake up.

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

P.S. I love the icon!

[mdlbear]

Got that from acelightning IIRC.

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

(hug)

You're under a lot of stress right now. In my experience, people's ability to cope with multiple tasks often goes up and down, depending on their physical and mental condition, so even though you could handle all those things before that doesn't automatically mean that you can handle them all now and you're just being lazy.

I'm not sure what to tell you, except that all of those things can be set more-or-less right again. Try to take care of yourself; you've been missing out on your walks a lot, if I remember right, and walking more might help you sleep better might help you concentrate better when you're awake...

We're thinking of you.

[mdlbear]

Thanks; both my physical and mental condition have been deteriorating for a while now. When some of the pressure eases up at work, in a couple of weeks, it will help. There aren't enough minutes in a day.

[judifilksign.livejournal.com]

All of your "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" are reasonable - if you take away the self-blame that comes along with them, and make them things to keep in mind about yourself.

Being mindful is okay. Rehearsing all of your mistakes over and over again sets up a negative loop, reinforcing depression and stress. Making mistakes is only human, and you're allowed to be human.

Do take care of yourself. That includes sleeping, exercise, music, and socializing with the people that are important to you and your family.

Get what you can get done, as best as you can. I agree with what wyld dandelyon said about a checkup for you regarding sleep, and what hsifyppah said about standards you set for yourself in the past.

Hugs.

[mdlbear]

Thanks for pointing that out -- there really isn't much self-blame there; I meant it more like "my car shouldn't be making that clunking noise; there must be something broken."

As I told WD I already have a CPAP; that's not the problem. It's an open question whether I'm getting enough sleep, but like walking it's a matter of what do I have to drop in order to get more.

Clearly you're exhausted and overwhelmed

[capplor.livejournal.com]

and I'll second the motion to farm out or ignore whatever you can (other than family, on the ignore part, of course). HAVE YOU CALLED COUNTY SOCIAL SERVICES?? Any programs they have that would help, GET THEM!!!

At this point the only SHOULD is that you and your family survive. All else is optional. You sound that close to the edge.

Re: Clearly you're exhausted and overwhelmed

[mdlbear]

Family and work. There's damned little else; LJ counts as self-care.

Re: Clearly you're exhausted and overwhelmed

[mdlbear]

The only one she's tried to use so far has been Outreach -- there was a mountain of paperwork to sign up, and they were 2 hours late both times she tried to use them.

No, I haven't called county social services. The way the state budget looks right now I'd be astounded if there were any we qualify for, but I suppose I ought to try anyway.

[lemmozine.livejournal.com]

Personally, I find that typing lists of things to do purges any urgency I may feel to actually do those things - because, after all, I've accomplished something - I've made a list!

If that gets depressing, if the list gets too long and some of the things on it seem like they may never get done, one way I cheer myself up is to make up a to-do list for the past (last day, week, month, entire life, whatever) listing my positive achievements. I often surprise myself, finding the list of things I've done, while not necessarily the things I think I should have done, is quite substantial and I really have accomplished a great deal without even knowing I've done it.

Example: Wednesday, I had a really great moment. I was doing an interview for Medicaid at work with a single mom and her 2 (maybe 2 1/2) year old - they happened to be black - I don't know if that's important - and the 2 year old was getting a little difficult to handle, wanting to destroy everything, open every drawer and throw the contents all over, crying if he didn't get his way, and so on. Well, after about an hour, I was ready to copy the application, and the copier I use is through 2 other offices and on the other side of the building. The kid wanted to get out of the office, so I asked mom if kid could come with me, just on the spur of the moment, and brought him through those offices - he reached his hand up so I could lead him - to the copier, and back, I really enjoyed that, and it reminded me how much I like kids and while I'll probably never have any of my own, I know I'd probably have been a good dad had that ever happened. Not anything I would have listed or planned, and not a measurable or countable achievement, but it made me somehow feel good about myself and the world.

This morning, I woke up at 3:30 AM, did laundry, got packed and ready for trip to Confluence in Pittsburgh, and am about an hour ahead of schedule so have time to blog.

Yesterday I took care of returning some packages to 2 companies that were attempting to defraud me by sending products I hadn't ordered and billing large amounts of money to my credit cards, found I had vision insurance on some glasses I bought 2 months ago and can get $200 back, sent about $100 worth of receipts in to my flex cash program, and had a very positive visit with my chiropractor. I added a 1-hour massage to my next appointment because she thinks it will be good for my tight back muscles. I really am motivated to get more exercise and do more of the things she suggests because I'm seeing positive results - much less lower back pain.

I hope reading about my positive accomplishments might somehow make you feel better. I, too, have many more things I want or need to accomplish than I actually have time for, but, by gosh, the important things do somehow get done.

[mdlbear]

I do, in fact, keep track of accomplishments (my "done yesterday" posts), and have an extensive to.do file. I just about live out of it these days, because if it doesn't get into the file it *doesn't* get done.

Every so often I have to go back and check off a few old items that got done sometimes months after going on the list.

[thnidu.livejournal.com]

What theyve said. And GET REST!!!! And take some time off work if you can. You CAN'T function 100% of normal when 75% of you is dealing with abnormal circumstances, and I tell you this from being right there with you. I'm taking today off from work for just that reason, and after this post I will get off the web and continue with the household stuff I took the day off to do.

And I'm stealing your icon because I need it just as much as you do, and what it says jibes pretty well with what my therapist told me on Monday, so there!

[mdlbear]

I've already taken a lot of time off work; I'm at a very enjoyable conference right now; I'll be taking off more around next weekend, and I have a high-priority project due on August 5th. Taking more time off work right now when I've been working at maybe 10% of capacity for the last 8 months is, unfortunately, only going to make things worse.

But I understand -- I'll do it as soon as I can.

Shoulds

[almelina.livejournal.com]

I see several others have commented on "should". We *should* remove the word from the dictionary--if not our personal command module.

[ravan.livejournal.com]

Should? Could, but sometimes you just gotta say "mañana". Take care of Bear!

I was nice running in to you at OSCON and yakking about git.

BTW, I've made those kind of errors with bill pay too. Nice thing is, I usually can cancel them and redo it, if I catch it within 4 hours or so.

[mdlbear]

It's been several weeks, unfortunately.