River: Who knows where the time goes?

[mdlbear]

I've never been any good at managing my time. (Or my money, but that's a matter for another post.) Caring for Colleen, with her limited mobility, has taken a large chunk out of my day. And I've recently discovered that I need more sleep -- at least 8 hours, where I was getting by on 6.

So let's add this up: a full-time job, sleep, caregiving, filling in for the things Colleen can't do now, and everything else. No wonder "working from home" is marginal, and my lunchtime walk often gets squeezed out. I seem to have fallen into the all-too-common caregiver's trap of trying to do it all.

Things have gotten a lot better in the last two months:

• Colleen now does most of the grocery shopping online.
• Friends now do a lot of the errand-running; we can usually find someone to take the YD places, and to go out shopping with Colleen. Colleen's making better use of her network.
• I can work from home, especially in the mornings, and I'm gradually learning how to make that more effective and efficient.
• Colleen has been making better use of her network of local friends, and can usually find someone to
• The Younger Daughter can cook, though she often doesn't.
• I can't multitask, but I can merge or overlap tasks sometimes: time spent taking care of Colleen is quality time together; I can do minor chores while she's on the commode. Things like that.
• I go out with Colleen on Thursday evenings, so that's one less day when somebody (e.g. me) has to cook.

Still, it isn't enough, and it's discouraging.

Here are some of the things I've thought of and started implementing:

• I've made a "reading" filter for my LJ friends list. I think that all of my current human friends are on it; it filters out some feeds, cartoons I don't care much about, and so on. A few of them are still there because Colleen and probably a few other people read my friends page. LJ and email are non-negotiable -- they're just about my only way of staying in touch with most of my friends.
• I'm trimming the "AM" bookmark folder, which contains the things I read every morning, to the ones I've actually been paying attention to lately. I should do the same to my other bookmarks, and my link page.
• I've started to accept the fact that I can't do everything I want to, or even everything that I think I need to.

Here are some of the things I've thought of but haven't done yet.

• I need to shift more of the household chores onto the YD. I'll still do the dishes, but it would be nice if I didn't have to cook on days when I also have to work. Did I mention that I have trouble setting limits?
• It would really help for the YD to learn to drive. We need to schedule driving lessons soon.
• Probably the only way I'm going to make more time for music is if Colleen asks me to sing for her, so I have to make sure that she does that more often, and that I don't resist when she does. (Probably not on Wednesdays unless there are other filkers there.)
• We have to get Colleen to start using Outreach for transportation when friends aren't available.
• I have to learn how to ask for help and, perhaps more importantly, how to recognize when I need to.

Comments

[ravan.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. I would offer to take Colleen around while I'm unemployed, but
a) I don't know if she can get into my car, and
b) don't know if I can wrestle the scooter in and out (I can handle the walker fine).

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

These all sound good!

Can you BRIBE YD to do more chores

[capplor.livejournal.com]

by getting the move on, on driving lessons? (Or is that just not a motivator for her? If the usual doesn't work, how about daring her to drive before big sister does? It's a dirty trick, but desparate times, and all ..)

My elderly mother has a more elderly friend (pushing 90?)who does NOT want to use Outreach because "that's for people who need it". I think she's kind of denying that she needs help and pretending that her friends are just being sociable by taking her where she needs to go. Unfortunately, the amount of getting out she wants to do (would you believe she still sells real estate?) IS a bit of a burden for her friends & family. I hope Colleen doesn't have THAT kind of resistance to using them.

I have set up, but mostly not used, separate filters for the things I want to read versus the things Fred wants to read. That may be a good idea for you, even if there's a lot of overlap.

[thnidu.livejournal.com]

This is good. This is thought-out. This is now on my MEMORIES LJ list, tagged as "planning" and "caregiving" (a new tag).

("And I'll be right here to remind you, boss!"
"Oh, is that why I typoed blockquote as bolckquote -- twice now! -- in entering this comment?" (Steven Brust joke)
"No comment."
"Wha'? Of course it's a ... Shut up, Loiosh.")

Re: Can you BRIBE YD to do more chores

[mdlbear]

Using driving lessons as a carrot sounds like a good idea; we can do that.

I don't think Colleen has that particular kind of resistance, but she likes to have a friend along shopping, and is very worried about being on time for appointments.

Colleen never logs in as me -- she has her own account; she just keeps forgetting how to add friends, or doesn't like to, or something.

[mdlbear]

Thanks. There's more to come, obviously.

My suggestions

[chaoswolf]

• Emmy's desire not to cook (IMHO) is based on the fact that she is hanging onto her computer so she can spend a lot more time with Ashton or watching movies.


• Learn to make threats. Such as "I will tell Ashton you are not available until you do what you've been asked", threaten to ground her, or start revoking things. You did it with me and it worked better than threats needed to get me out of the house.


• Sit down with sister and a calender. Ask her when she intends to be out of the house to arrange driving lessons and assign days when she will be cooking dinner. You don't care what her excuse is for not doing it, but as long as she's living there she has to pull her weight with the chores and cooking.


• If she is so determined to move in with Ashton when she wants to go to Cupertino, she shouldn't be allowed to until she has shown she can be depended on to do chores and cooking.

That's my 2 cents worth. If I've stepped over my lines, tell me to be quiet.

Re: My suggestions

[mdlbear]

No problem -- those are good suggestions. I'm going to have her and Colleen work on scheduling the driving lessons.

Move in with Ashton? Not until one of them has a job that can pay the rent! (Unless you mean he moves in with her here, which is fine if he does chores.) I recall that more got done around the house when Selkit was visiting, so I have no problems with that.

Re: My suggestions

[chaoswolf]

She's been telling me he will move up to the bay area, going to move into Cupertino after she gets into De Anza. No idea about her moving him into Starport.

Re: My suggestions

[mdlbear]

Well, by that time she'll be over 18, and can move out whenever she thinks she can afford to.