Done yesterday (20090817)

[mdlbear]

0817 Mo
  * up 6:40; W=193.4; drugs, nose, teeth; coffee
  * 2:30 Caregiver support group (next meeting Oct. 5)
  * 3:30 work: meeting.  Join in progress when back from group
  ~ 5:30 planets group
  * banking: deposits, cash
  * banking (online) transfer grocery $ to Colleen; pay Flex acct
  * sang Waltzing With Bears to Colleen and Naomi
  * get Emmy's paperwork done (forms under remote-control basket in envelope)
  ! panic, depression, who knows what.  Fell apart completely.
    | stomach muscles all knotted up, pulsing.  crying w/o tears?  Don't know.
  | being held by Colleen helped a lot
  ! Naomi singing me John Denver's "Rhymes and Reasons" helped too
    http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/denver-john/rhymes-and-reasons-11301.html
http://www.azchords.com/j/johndenver-tabs-2055/rhymesandreasons-tabs-223847.html
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPpRyjTP0a0
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhymes_and_Reasons_(John_Denver_album)
  * bed ~12:15

Mostly the day went OK, though it was busy. The caregiver support group at Kaiser wasn't all that useful except to give me a bit of a boost. I didn't stay up, though.

I sang "Waltzing With Bears" to Naomi and Colleen; Naomi in particular needed cheering up.

Somewhere around 10:30 I fell apart, suddenly and completely. Terror, grief, despair -- I have no idea what it was. Or why. It was probably triggered by a post that made me think I was missing the filing deadline for my income tax extension, though that can't have been the whold story or even a large part of it. (It turned out that I was right the first time, and I have until mid-October.) My stomach knotted up, and it felt as though I was crying in huge sobs but without sound or tears.

I knew that what I needed was time in Colleen's arms, but it took a while to get there, especially when a well-meant remark sent me wailing into the living room. I came back and told her that all I wanted was to be held; it was maybe an hour later that I calmed down.

I must have been completely dissociated during all this -- I was calmly observing my physical symptoms and figuring out what I needed, but I still have no idea what I was actually feeling. My stomach tightened up again just writing about it, but the feeling itself is still firmly locked away. That scares me a little.

Eventually I let Colleen go to sleep and came back into the living room. My dear, dear sister-of-choice Naomi sang to me and calmed me down. I finally went to bed around midnight, wrapped in love and music, and a little stuffed-monster whimsy.