River: Emotional intelligence

[mdlbear]

Today I have been reading about Emotional Intelligence, at a site I found while looking up alexithymia, which is basically the opposite, and is a condition I already knew I have.

I think it probably explains a number of things about me, including the fact that I have trouble communicating with Colleen, and the fact that I haven't gotten much out of therapy. With both of the therapists I've tried, I've seemed to go through an initial period of getting my immediate questions answered, and then I run out of questions and am left with a vague feeling that something is wrong or missing, but no words to express it with.

I suppose it must be frustrating for everyone else, too -- the therapists who can't help me because I can't coherently express what's wrong, the women I've had brief relationships with who felt that there was something important missing that they couldn't quite pin down. My kids. Colleen.

I don't know whether there's much to be done about it. Here's a list of "feeling words" -- many of which don't even seem to me to describe feelings at all.

There's a related term: Emotional Literacy. I had an experience of its opposite, emotional illiteracy, yesterday, when I completely failed to pick up on the emotional consequences of something N said to me in an IM.

I've been told that I have a lot of empathy. Sometimes I wonder. Other times I think I suppress it because it overloads me. Other times I'm just plain baffled.

Comments

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

You could have a very large amount of empathy in the areas you understand and little or none in the areas you are shutting out and/or don't perceive (whichever it is for that bit of the world). After all, people who can't see pick up more information from what they hear than people who are concentrating on what they can see. Analogously, it makes sense that your brain is picking up lots of information/detail in the emotional areas that you are aware of and have a clue about because that brain processing capability is available to be more thorough since it has a smaller universe of data to process.

Hmm...that sounds kind of babbly, but I'm too tired to try to clarify right now. Hopefully it makes sense to you. If not, I'll try again tomorrow.

[marypcb.livejournal.com]

you might also be compensating for lack of inate EI in some areas with lots of semi-conscious modelling/hard work

[septemberlilac.livejournal.com]

You remarked that many of the "feeling words" didn't seem to describe feelings. Um, that could be because they don't. An adjective is not necessarily an emotion. E.g., "imminent" - the word describes a point in time. An event may be imminent, the awareness of which could create a feeling (anticipation, dread, whatever) and that event may cause feelings to result from it, but the word "imminent" in itself has no actual emotional association. For someone who has difficulty identifying emotional states, such a broad list is likely to add to the confusion rather than clarify.

[kyrielle]

Yeah, I looked at that list of "feeling words" and was baffled. A lot aren't.

[kyrielle]

Also, a part of empathy besides understanding is *listening* and not imposing your emotional reality. Being less in touch with your emotions may actually make it more likely you will focus on the other person's emotions/feelings and less on your own, so that when you do have some understanding, your response is more directly to what you understand and less to how you feel about what you understand, if that makes sense.

[mdlbear]

Thanks for the reality check. Sometimes it's hard for me to tell; I don't have the background to know whether I'm reading rubbish, or just missing something important.

[mdlbear]

It does make sense; yes, that might explain some things about how it works.

[mdlbear]

It does make sense. Interesting idea.

[mdlbear]

Quite possible, though it rarely feels that way. Thanks.

[callibr8]

A wise therapist of my acquaintance distilled things as follows: there are four basic emotions, Mad, Sad, Glad, and Scared. All else is nuances and/or combinations of the above. It could be a place to start.

I'll also pass along a book recommendation that's been doing me a lot of good recently: The Language of Emotions, by Karla Mclaren. I've found parts of it illuminating and parts of it validating, and all of it well worth my time to read. As the friend who made the recommendation warned me, it's not a book to devour in one sitting; in order to really think about and integrate its wisdom, it has to be "digested" in smaller chunks. It's available both in e-book and dead-tree editions.

[mdlbear]

Thanks -- I'll look that one up.

[mdlbear]

Thanks for recommending "The Language of Emotions" -- I'm starting to dive into it now. So far, about 4 chapters in, I'm sort of alternating between accepting it all and wondering what language she's writing in. Interesting effect.