River: The language of love

[mdlbear]

The day after flower_cat and I have another of our perennial arguments about the meaning of some word that we each use differently, or my interpretation of her tone of voice, or some such minor semantic quibble, along comes theferrett with this post about the language of love:

Everyone hears "love" in their own, unique language. What makes your partner feel safe and cared for can often be a bunch of phrases and habits that make absolutely no sense to you.

We've all heard the story of the wife who left her husband because he didn't pick up his socks. It sounds dumb -- but for that wife, part of the phrase "I love you" meant "I'll keep the floor clean for you." Likewise, sometimes, speaking love involves nonsensical phrases like, "I'm sorry I hurt you" when it should be perfectly apparent that nobody means to hurt anybody.

Learning what things tell your partner "I love you" is what often makes the difference between a long-term marriage and an early divorce.

It's mostly about nonverbal "language" like cleaning the kitchen; one that I learned early in our household was putting the forks into the dishwasher with the tines down. But it also applies to common phrases that we understand in different ways.

I've learned, for example, that when I introduce an offer to help with the phrase "Would you like me to...", the invariable answer is "no", sometimes followed by "I'll do that," which is always implied whether it's stated or not. Whether it's convenient or physically possible for her doesn't matter, my asking the question that way implies that it's something she should be doing, and she feels bad for not being able to. These days, if I have any damned sense, I'll just say "I'm going to..." and do it. Or, if there really is some uncertainty, "Is there any reason why I shouldn't...", in which case the expected "no" frees me to get the chore done, whatever it was.

One that I've learned quite recently is that it's very important to my Cat that we spend some time within touching distance in the evening when I get home. It doesn't have to be right next to one another; as long as she can reach out her hand for me to hold, she's happy. More about that one downstream a little.

Old bears are sometimes capable of learning new tricks.