River: Why I asked

[mdlbear]

Public Service Announcement #3: If I ask you a question, it's because I don't know the answer, and I'm interested in hearing it. Period. The only exceptions are if I'm recording an interview with you, or drilling you for a test.

Public Service Announcement #4: I almost never ask "social questions". If I don't know you, or don't want to talk, I'll greet you with some variant of "hello". If I ask "How are you?" I'll take a social "OK", but I'll also be ready for a twenty-minute rant or a two-hour brain dump. Really.

If you think I've asked a question before, there are several possible explanations:

• I may simply have forgotten your answer. This happens a lot, especially with names, but it can happen with anything if I haven't had a chance to write it down.
• I may even have forgotten that I asked the question. That can happen especially if I was distracted when, or shortly after, I asked it.
• I may not have heard your answer the last time. I'm both a little hard of hearing, and very easily distracted. I'll try to use the phrase "excuse me" in this case. If it's very noisy or hard for me to concentrate, you may have to repeat the answer several times. Bear with me.
• I may have asked the question with different words, and not understood the answer. Or I understood the answer, but it was so different from what I expected that I'm not sure you understood the question. I'm using different and more careful wording in an attempt to get a more understandable, more believable, or more accurate answer. Usually I'll say so, and say which case I'm working on, but I might not always have time. Please try to believe that it's a different question, even if it sounds the same to you.
• You may have given me the same information in response to a different question entirely (in which case I might easily have missed it in my efforts to understand it as the answer to the question I did ask), or even without my asking.
• The situation may have changed to the point where I'm no longer certain the old answer applies. I'll try to use the word "still" in this case, as in "Are you still upset at me?"
• You may simply be mis-remembering, or remembering when I asked the same question in an earlier situation.

There are also cases where you think I should already know the answer. Perhaps you actually told me the answer a few minutes ago, and I got distracted and forgot it. Perhaps it's something that any human being with the ability to understand normal people's emotions ought to have known implicitly. Perhaps it was implied by something you said, and I simply didn't catch the implication. I'm stupid that way, OK?

The fact is, I didn't know. If I ask you a question, it's because at the moment I'm asking it I don't know the answer. If I ask for more detail, it's because I feel that it's important for me to find out. It's OK in that case to tell me to drop the subject, and I'll either drop it or tell you why I think I need to know, and drop it if you still want me to.

I would really appreciate it if you could be patient with this stupid old bear, and not get too upset because I asked you what sounds like the same question in different words a few minutes ago. Please try to listen to my exact words, and answer the question I actually asked rather than repeating the answer I didn't understand the last time, or answering the question you think I intended to ask. Feel free to correct me if you think I'm asking the wrong question, and feel free to ask me why I seem to be asking the same damned question, or to clarify my phrasing.

Please don't get upset because I don't seem to be listening to you. I'm listening as best I can, and trying as hard as I can to understand you. I wouldn't be asking you questions if I wasn't trying to understand you.

Above all, please believe me when I tell you I don't know. I wouldn't lie to you.

Comments

Wow!

[impresaria1.livejournal.com]

Love and hugs and snuggles to you and Colleen and your gorgeous girlies.

Mmmmmwah!

Re: Wow!

[mdlbear]

*hugs back*

[technoshaman.livejournal.com]

My first mentor outside of academia taught me: The only stupid question is the one you don't ask. One then presumes that, you being a bigger geek than me, you already know this... and thus presumes that if you're asking, it's because you don't know.

But then, that's just how *this* bear works.

'course, if I encounter the question a second time, I'm likely to see if I can give you the info in a form you can access easily yourself... e.g. file, email, text it to your phone...

But then, I kept myself in PBJ for almost 20 years straight by doing tech support. You get hungry that way if you give bad answers (including ones people don't remember even though they're right). Not everybody is good at that. Heck, some people suck at *getting* tech support, much less giving it. "My internet's broke!" "What's wrong?" "I dunno, it's broke. You fix it." (And my internal voice is going "no, Capt. Caveman, *you* broke it," which is why I got out of tech support. :)

And, yeah, I'd catch the "still", too.

It is good to document these assumptions, though. You and me, we talk almost the same language (like, say, Castillano vs. Latino). A whole lot of folks... don't.

[mdlbear]

Yeah; I don't think I need to document this stuff for _you_ -- you might find it helpful when talking to "normal" folks, though.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Just your typical Aspie ;-)

Although I usually score at the polar opposite from Asperger's/autism, I thoroughly understand everything you say here. I don't go for unspoken assumptions, hidden agendas, or socially-agreed-upon fictions. I prefer to both speak and hear the simple, unvarnished truth. Like you, if I tell you something about what's going on in my head (e.g., "I feel belittled", or "That makes me happy"), it's a reliable statement of fact. If I ask a question, and the answer isn't useful to me, or I don't understand it, I'll ask again (although I probably will state my question a different way). I actively enjoy interacting with people who don't play those incomprehensible social games.

[mdlbear]

Yup. B-)

With the proviso that I'm not always entirely clear on what's going on in my head, but almost always clearer than what someone would perceive from the outside. The main exception would be emotions I don't have much experience with: I may not be able to recognize those as quickly.

My biggest problem is that I don't have a reliable way to detect the social games; I may very well enjoy interacting with people who play them, but totally miss the real point of what they were saying. They have a channel that I don't.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

I have a very small amount of telepathy - it used to be a lot stronger and more reliable until I inadvertently destroyed most of it with prescribed medication (long story). But it still comes in handy sometimes, especially when someone asks me to help them sort out the contents of their own head.

I have another online friend who's fairly autistic, and has always had trouble deciphering the social games the rest of the human race plays without even knowing they're doing so. But he found a way to learn what various facial expressions, body language, nuances of spoken speech, etc., mean, the way a person might study a foreign language. It's not perfect, but it helped him a lot. I don't know precisely how he went about learning, but I do know that he did, and still does, simply ask his neurotypical ("normal") friends what various things mean.

[mdlbear]

No telepathy. None.

Yeah, I observe, analyze, ask, and am still frequently wrong. Discouraging.

[septemberlilac.livejournal.com]

I've had few conversations with you in person, but I've been struck by how very intently you listened. Perhaps you were just trying to get a read on someone you didn't know or perhaps there were other reasons, but it was clear that you were genuinely focused on listening to what was said.

Here's something that happened to me recently. It was one of those days when anything that could go wrong already had, and it wasn't even noon yet. Enter, stage left, Annoyingly Cheerful Acquaintance.
Acquaintance: "Hi! How are you?"
Me, sourly: "I've been better."
Acquaintance: "That's good!" [One beat. Two beats. Blink.] "Oh." [One beat. Two beats. Rewind.] "Uh... Why? What's the matter?"

A.C. Acquaintance was so conditioned to expect the social answer, it was almost comical to watch him try to recalibrate on the fly. But the more significant point was that he hadn't really been listening even though he'd initiated the conversation. I don't mind explaining myself or trying to clarify my meaning - I want to do that if there is any chance the listener hasn't understood me. But knowing that the other person is actually listening? Priceless.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

If it's any consolation, I find "normal" people almost impossible to understand, too...

[mbumby.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... Perhaps you should give ACA credit for actually hearing what you said although you provided an unexpected response.

My analogous situation went:
Flake: How are you?
Me: Really crappy.
Flake: That's nice. (With such a drippingly sickly sweet tone...)

So, I think he _was_ listening (at least enough to catch it on rewind), but was caught out -- already had his answer queued up, and it popped out.

[mbumby.livejournal.com]

I understand your post.

In return I ask that you please forgive the flash of annoyance that might cross my face (I'm working on it, but it still happens occasionally with some people) if you ask me to repeat something that I think you *should* know.

Odds are I'm not _really_ annoyed with you -- at least not in any durable way. Odds are if you wait 10 seconds to ask me about it, I will have forgotten that the look had been on my face, and I might deny it.

I will believe that you don't know. Wouldn't assume you were lying to me on that issue... but _my_ issues include feeling insignificant (and resenting it), and when someone ... well ... "didn't care enough to listen", "didn't care enough to remember", "was just going through the rote 'I should ask this question' when they asked it, but didn't really _mean_ it -- or listen for the answer" ... Oh, if you gave me enough time I could probably give 100 things I _have_ felt, toward three specific people.

And if you note the annoyance -- or *something* and want to know if it is important -- please ask. And I'll tell you to the best of my ability what it was and what it meant. And I'll likely apologize.

[mdlbear]

I've had similar things happen -- mis-hearing "craptastic" as "fantastic", for example.

[mdlbear]

Not a problem; I often do the same thing, on those rare occasions when I remember what somebody asked. Or when I've explained the same simple-to-me point for the 47th time.

Yeah, there's a certain amount of feeling insignificant or ignored, but I'm old -- and deaf -- enough to be forgiving. I probably was mumbling incomprehensibly the last time.