mdlbear | Done Yesterday (Reply)

0221 Sa
  * W=183.6; drugs, coffee, emergen-E; thumb
  & 7ish Colleen: dressing change. 
    ! We're both pretty blasé and matter-of-fact about it now.
      It's annoying, but no more so than, e.g., a clogged toilet.
  * breakfast
  & puttered about for a while picking things up around the house
    ! feeling somewhat productive
  * 10:00 post on Colleen's current status
  * 10:39 write review of "Girl's Guide"
    ! accomplished.  The contrast to what I'm doing was very encouraging.
  & 10:57 add "!" flag to to.done items for emotions.
  & measure couch cushions; work on trundle design.
  & Riverheart
  & 12:50 add picture to tempered-glass.info;
    update text after consulting with N. over IM.  OK to start rumors. ;)
  * Pegasus brainstorming; add QV (N's suggestion) and Wheelin' to picks
  * Walk, ~40 min.  Rosegarden  Tried C.; left msg.
  * 3:30 Colleen: Kaiser (Dept. 260)
  ~ buy gauze 2x2s; 4x4s if we can find fluffs
  & pick up Colleen's meds and gauze 3x3s
  * dinner out with the kids at Black Angus
  & Barnes & Noble.  Looked at psych books but didn't buy
  * Colleen's PICC flush
  & bed research.  There are 30" mattresses in Europe.  Not at Ikea.
  * 8:35 drugs, nose-watering
  * laundry: empty drier, sort, fold
  & Middle-Sized/Aged-Bear, Wheelin', Riverheart, Landscapes
  & Wound care.
  * start writing River year-end wrap-up
  & Lilly, et. al.  Chord tweaks on Riverheart

This list has no retrospective bolding, so they must all be things I noticed at the time as things I "felt good" about, though I see that I must not have been paying attention to my feelings, or at least not remembering to record them. There may be a reason for that.

It seems as though a lot of the things that I enjoy doing: music, reading; aren't things that make me feel happy while I'm doing them, but instead take me away from myself so that I don't feel anything. That's a big improvement over feeling miserable. When I'm done I usually get a pleasant enough sense of accomplishment, but not while I'm doing them.

I'm not sure where conversation fits in, but I think that's another one: thinking back on some memorable "good" conversations, I can recall a sense of connection with the other person, but not usually any emotions strong enough to register. Of course, this may be more a matter of memory than of anything else. I don't usually think about my emotions, because for most of my life they haven't been something I wanted to pay attention to.