A wasted afternoon

[mdlbear]

So... Colleen's fistula apparently is connected to her intestine. The visiting nurse made a bunch of calls and eventually she got a call back from the surgeon on call who said to come in to see him.

Of course, he didn't say where to come to, or make an appointment so that anyone knew she was coming, or spell out his name so that she knew who to ask for. She simply assumed that we should go to the pre-op clinic, where we sat around for an hour waiting for the receptionist to get back from lunch and tell us we were in the wrong place. It's at that point that Colleen said we were to "call him from anyplace in the hospital." Except that when we got there, they didn't know either. AAAAACK!

I've discovered three things today, none of which I'm particularly happy about.

The first is that I keep apologizing to Colleen, even for things I had nothing to do with, because I'd rather have her annoyed at me for being over-apologetic than frightened, furious, or freaked-out because I'm annoyed or angry.

The second is that I fall apart when I don't have enough information to deal with a situation where I have to interact with people. One consequence of this is that I tend to double- and triple-check my information. Colleen doesn't, and in addition she seems to have real difficulty distinguishing between what she's actually heard and the details her mind has filled in because she was expecting to hear them.

The third is that, antidepressants or not, I can still get depressed about not being able to handle a situation well.

Meanwhile I've missed most of a day of work, and I'm going to miss the rest because I have an appointment at 4pm to have my elbow looked at.

If I'm really lucky I might have some composure back by then.

Comments

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

OK, so you describe two ways of interacting with Colleen, with predictable results:

Act annoyed or angry --> frightened/furious/freaked out (very bad)
"I'm sorry" --> annoyance (bad, but not very bad)

So now you have identified a situation where practicing some other behavior might get better results. But first, I think you need a bigger data base.

I bet if you think about it like this, you could add some other things where the results are known and predictable, for instance,

"I love you" --> [smile, relaxation, and/or _____] (good or very good)

Then think about situations that are likely to happen in the near future as you continue this distressful trip through the wilds of her medical issues. What other ways to express your distress can you think of? Make a list of them, even if only in your mind.

"This s****, but I'm here for you." --> _________________ (?)
"If the fistula were a worm, I would write you a firewall" --> ________ (?)

Then practice, in your head, what you think/guess are the most likely, and try one of them when you know you usual responses will be bad or dreadful. And then watch the results. Repeat as necessary.

You might figure out something, even if by pure trial and error, that makes Colleen feel better in the situation, rather than worse.

Oh, a post-script to "I'm sorry" - some people always hear "I'm at fault" from these words. I suspect you are trying to say "I sympathize, and I care." Maybe the first try should be re-phrasing the "I'm sorry" to something that can't be interpreted as "I'm at fault"? Sometimes I can get around that by clarifying with words like, "I didn't mean mea-culpa, I just meant that I care" but other times starting with a different verbal manifestation of the feeling works much better.

[fireskin.livejournal.com]

I'm praying for both of you. *TIGHT HUGS FOR STEVE AND COLLEEN*

[fuzzyvanman.livejournal.com]

Re: "I'm Sorry"
If there's any doubt, I try to clarify between:

1) "I'm sorry that your puppy got run over"
2) "I'm sorry that I ran over your puppy"

[lisa-marli.livejournal.com]

Oy is all I can think of.
Is she going to the hospital now? Or do they know. I hope is doesn't delay surgery. She so needs this straightened out.
Instead of "I'm Sorry." Try "I Love You".

*hugs* to both of you.

[saffronrose.livejournal.com]

The second is that I fall apart when I don't have enough information to deal with a situation where I have to interact with people.

You're not alone in this. Many people react the same way esp. in medical situations.

[roaringmouse.livejournal.com]

Breath, Steve. This too shall pass. As you see on my blog, I have my first exam on Wednesday morning. I will try to call tomorrow night.

[mdlbear]

Not today, and I hope it doesn't.

[mdlbear]

Thanks.

*hugs back tightly*

[mdlbear]

Thanks.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

It occurs to me that many of your conversational patterns, or at least the ones you mention as leading to unsatisfactory levels of communication, are patterns that are far more often attributed to women. The not wanting to interrupt others, the constant apologizing, are both stereotypically "feminine" - have you read the Deborah Tannen book yet?

(And a bit of psychological humor:
"Could you please stop apologizing all the time? It drives me crazy!"
"Oh - I'm sorry!")

[mdlbear]

I'm about halfway through. Yes, I'm noticing that in many cases I'm a lot closer to the female patterns, which is probably why I'm considered a "good listener" and why I don't get many turns in large filk circles.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Being aware of it is the first step towards figuring out why it causes problems...