River: What makes me happy?

[mdlbear]

Recently I was asked the question, "what do you do that makes you happy?" I found it surprisingly hard to answer at the time. I realized that many of the things I like to do are things that require concentration. They make me focus my attention on the activity, and leave no room for emotions or thoughts about emotions. They're very calming, and often involve a light trance.

Reading is the best example: when I'm reading, the rest of the world goes away. I go away, leaving little besides a calm point of view. Programming and writing are other examples. So are singing and listening to music. So, most of the time, is conversation: I'm focussed either on the person I'm with, which is similar to reading, or on what I'm going to say next, which is more like writing. (This may explain in part why I'm easily derailed when I'm talking or about to talk -- I'm much more distractable when I'm writing than when I'm reading. It's also probably why I get distracted while I'm singing.)

Notice the pattern? These are all verbal. I may get a great sense of satisfaction after I do them, if I do it well, but I don't feel much while I'm in the moment, in the activity.

Over the last week or so I've been realizing that there's another category of things I can do, that do make me happy while I'm doing them. The best example is hugging. Lately I've not only been hugging more people and hugging more tightly, I've been noticing that I'm enjoying it. That's major.

I've also noticed that I enjoy other kinds of contact: cuddling and holding hands. Sex not so much; it seems to involve more concentration and a certain amount of anxiety. The silences in a deep conversation. I'm comfortable with silence, if the other person is.

Walking and driving are oddities: they leave me enough mental space for a conversation. So if I'm walking or driving with someone beside me, I'll be happy when we're together but not talking, and will have a split focus while one of us is talking. I think this is the only kind of multitasking I've ever been capable of. When I'm by myself, I may notice I'm happy, but only if I'm not doing anything verbal like thinking or listening to music. I turn the radio off in the car these days, and don't use an MP3 player.

I discovered last night that noodling on the guitar falls into this category. It does make me happy if I'm not singing or trying to learn the chords of a song, and I can even carry on a conversation to about the same extent that I can in the car.

There are undoubtedly other things in this category: doing the dishes, cooking, woodworking, puttering about the house. I need to find something quiet and portable that I can do in my lap. Doodling works, I remember. Probably so would drawing, if I put in the months of practice it would take to get barely adequate at it.

Comments

[dsmoen.livejournal.com]

I may get a great sense of satisfaction after I do them, if I do it well, but I don't feel much while I'm in the moment, in the activity.

I think too many geeks don't get enough in the moment activities, actually, so I think that's very sane.

I was rarely able to get in the moment when singing, but was frequently able to when I was only playing an intstrument.

A friend of mine has a mandala art practice. Maybe that's enough for you? Here's a link to some of hers on Flickr.

[mdlbear]

Wow! Those are amazing!

Yeah, I could do abstract art. Why didn't I think of that? Wouldn't have to be mandalas, either. My doodling falls in that category, obviously. Maybe even stick figures along the lines of xkcd.

[dsmoen.livejournal.com]

Right, it doesn't have to be Art. Could be anything.

A friend of mine doodles fish. He started with a fish or two and now he's done probably a hundred of different styles. For him, it's an excuse to play with pen and ink. He fishes as a hobby, so it makes sense for him.

[firecat]

Needing "to find something quiet and portable that I can do in my lap" is what sent me on the quest that led to my taking up knitting as a hobby.

PS: I just sent you email about a possible get-together with me and the OH.

[mdlbear]

Got it. Will respond via my work account, since the Starport's email is screwed up at the moment.

I suspect that knitting, at least knitting to a pattern, would require too much symbol-processing to work. And certainly during the time it would take me to learn it.

[firecat]

Thanks!

I'm not pushing you to try knitting, but just for the record, knitting a rectangle doesn't require any symbol processing. You just have to learn one stitch. It does sometimes take time to learn the stitch.

I knit from complex patterns when I'm alone and I knit simple things when I'm socializing.

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

So, do the doodling with the intent to get better at drawing. I spent one long class period just drawing the teacher's hands. Perhaps not the best subject - he had unusually long and slender fingers, leading my sister, who had never met him, to comment that the hands were out of proportion, when actually the ones on the last page were quite accurate.

[mdlbear]

Well, my doodling tends to be abstract -- not related to representational drawing at all. I think the latter would probably take a longer time to learn than I'm willing to put in.

Both would mean loss of eye contact, though; d'you suppose there anything besides knitting that can be done without looking at it?

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

There's not a lot that can be done without any looking; maybe sculpting with something like Fimo could be done mostly by feel. Doodling and other pastimes that need the eyes you end up splitting your visuals just as you do driving.

Though I used to be able to do beading mostly by feel; as I've gotten older, though, I need to see the holes in round beads, my fingertips aren't as sensitive as they were when I was a kid. Some of it is figuring out what will work for you.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

It just occurred to me that I once met someone in the fannish community who practiced something he could do with his hands, without looking (or without much looking), which was also a good adjunct to conversation. I don't remember this man's name, and it's got to be twenty years or more since this happened. But I got invited to a party at a con in the New York area, even though I wasn't actually attending the con, and one of the other guests was a man who did origami. Fortified by several servings of "Romulan Ale" (it might have been swill, but it was swell swill!), I proceeded to tell him a chunk of my life's story, which was rather dissatisfied and somewhat drama-filled at the time. His end of the conversation must have mostly been to make appropriate noises whenever I paused for breath... and all the while, as he made eye contact with me, his fingers were seemingly unconsciously fiddling with a square of paper. He finished it just as we also finished our conversation, and he handed me the origami object and vanished into the crowd. The object was a perfect symbolic comment on what we'd been talking about. I mentioned it later to the woman who had invited me to the party, and she said, "Yeah, he does that." (You may even know who he is - I certainly don't.)

How are you at origami? ;-D

[mdlbear]

I'm pretty bad at it, though I might be able to get better. I definitely have to look at it and concentrate; it's not automatic. And it needs a flat surface for folding. Might be able to get to that person's level of competence, but it would take a lot of work.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

I don't actually know how to do origami at all. But there might be some other "handicraft" you're already somewhat good at that would serve the same purpose. And being able to make eye contact with the person you're talking to while your hands do something else (apparently completely unconsciously) makes a tremendous impression on people. No, I can't do it myself...