Done yesterday

[mdlbear]

0322 Su
  * up 7:30; W=187.6; drugs, nose; coffee, emergen-c; dishes
    ! annoyed at how much sleep I seem to need.
  * backups
  & Colleen
  & Walk
    ! calm, contented.
    Not as much pure observation as yesterday, but at least I'm getting
    better able to observe my thoughts, and occasionally decide whether I want
    to continue thinking them or go back to observing and save them for later.
  & Colleen (to show off purple coffee insulated cup)
  * 2:45 lunch
  ! 3ish it feels as though I'm no longer afraid of something, but I have no
    idea what it was. (see http://mdlbear.livejournal.com/1011089.html )
  * order Emmy's birthday cake
  * cooked dinner: chicken in butter and wine; leftover mac-n-cheese
  & 19:22 major insight on "turning a corner"
    ! thoughtful  See mdlbear.livejournal.com/1011089.html
  * bring guitar to Colleen's tonight.
    Sang "Gentle Arms of Eden"  ! calm
  & photos off camera
  * bed ~midnight

The big insight for the day came between my walk, when I suddenly realized that for the last day or so I'd felt as though I was no longer afraid of something, and 7pm when I think I finally figured out what it was, and posted The view around the corner.

The trigger, which I posted about yesterday, was probably I Never Promised You a Rose Garden -- the realization that although the process may be difficult, confusing, and sometimes scary, there are also beauty, wonder, and joy in it. Also the realization that it's an ongoing process; it doesn't matter where I'm going as long as I can enjoy the journey.

It was a good walk; not as happy as Saturday's but calm and contented. I was thinking more -- largely about future River posts -- but was able to notice my thoughts at times, and make a conscious decision about whether to continue or go back to observing. I'm getting better at that.

I found Colleen a bright-purple insulated coffee mug at Long's, and surprised her with it after my walk. It was good to see her that delighted with something -- the nursing home must be awfully bleak.

I cooked dinner, frying a package of chicken thighs in butter and herbs, then poaching them in wine, and used up the left-over (gluten-free) mac&cheese for the starch. Quick and tasty.

Comments

[septemberlilac.livejournal.com]

Although it may not have always seemed like it to you, you have made an amazing amount of progress in a very short time. It may still feel like an alien landscape but you've already found a footpath and started noticing the scenery. To have done all this while simultaneously dealing with serious external stresses is a considerable accomplishment.

[mdlbear]

Thanks! From here it just seems a lot like muddling through :)

More seriously, escaping from external stresses into my own mind has always been the easy way out for me. Only the fact that it's recovery rather than fantasy or depression is new.