Done yesterday

[mdlbear]

0325 We
  * up 6ish; W=188.4; drugs, nose; emergen-c, coffee
    ! distressed
  * Water day
  ? try to get Colleen seen by neurologist tomorrow
  & 7:30 Visit to Colleen.
    She seemed both optimistic and determined.  That helps a lot.
    She also seemed more concerned about me than herself.
    ! concerned, loved.  
  & aha: getting angry at the news is probably another effect of having more
    empathy than I can handle.
  = mke2fs -c -c takes about 4 days on a 1.5TB USB drive
  & some puttering on my side of bedroom
  * 11:50 walk, ~45 minutes.
    ! calm; pretty neutral.  Somewhat scattered.
    Kaiser case mgr: Alice
    Will be main point of contact.  
  * spilled coffee into keyboard.  
    ! annoyed
  & lunch
  * pick up Emmy's cake at Cosentino's around noon.  
    went with Emmy to pick up cake, groceries for Wed. and weekend
    Ali at home dealing with roofers.
    ! attack of severe anxiety; no known trigger.  Buying groceries??
    ? maybe because groceries were Colleen's job, and I'm worried about
      whether she'll be able to come home soon?
  & pick up Ali; visit Colleen
    Had 90 minutes of PT in the morning; was waiting for a lift.
    goal for next week is to get her able to transfer in/out of wheelchair
    ! somewhat depressed; very anxious
  ~ get a large pickle for Kat (and one for me) (on shopping list)
  & Call to Colleen
    Saw a psychiatrist; will see her again next week (not bloody much, but the
    pshrink seems to think that she has a normal amount of situational
    depression for her situation, or maybe less than normal.)
    Did _not_ get PT this afternoon, or even get a lift into the wheelchair.
    ! concerned.
  ! stayed in office most of the evening, unable to handle more than one
    person at a time.  Sometimes not even that.  Good IM with N; sharing
    helped a whole lot.
  * bed ~12:20
    ! still stressed but hopefully sleepy enough.

In spite of a fairly good morning, with Colleen upbeat and optimistic, I had a sudden burst of anxiety during my grocery shopping trip that lasted the rest of the day.

By late afternoon I was something of a wreck, and unable to deal with more than one person at a time. I spent most of the evening in the office with the doors closed, coming out for food, hugs, and to invite the occasional person in to talk with me. It worked surprisingly well; I was fairly calm by the time I crashed, around midnight.

Comments

[pondside.livejournal.com]

distressed and anxious actually sound pretty normal for the average human being dealing with your load of deals right now.

I offer a hug and a reminder to take your meds and breathe.

[mdlbear]

*hugs* Thanks.

I am, at least, getting better about noticing that I'm having problems and reducing some of the stress before I flake out entirely.

[pondside.livejournal.com]

This is a VERY good thing and not to be sneezed at. I'm always amazed at how far I've come with so much further to go...

[mdlbear]

I'm mostly amazed at how much farther there is to go. It wasn't until a couple of days ago that I realized I should be enjoying the journey rather than being appalled at the remaining distance.

I do think I've come pretty far, but have nothing at all to compare it to.

[pondside.livejournal.com]

I know the feeling. A dear friend of mine and I were talking today about how you get damaged and bruised as you go through life and one day, discover that all those things you've pushed down down for years are starting to bubble out and affect your daily "life".

I know I'm better because I can now get upset and bounce back within a few days instead of creeping into a hole and pulling the hole in after me for a month. I cry for a day or two, sort it out and move on. I can sort it out now. My lead follow or get out of my way is starting to cut in.

You know... I wish I'd known that if you got help and dealt with things after they happened or while they were happening you didn't have to carry them for 30 years before wondering what life would have been like without that burden. Funny that NOT.

Yeah, life IS the journey.

[mdlbear]

*hug*

I've been wishing for about the last month that I'd gotten therapy 30 years or so ago... A lot of things would have been much better.

[pondside.livejournal.com]

Yeah -- oh, a thought, what if Adolf Hitler had been able to "talk it through" and deal with his feelings of inadequacy in his teens and early 20's?

Imagine the world today if Joe Clark had received a chin donation and implant(Canadian Politics) Brian Mulroney could have been the donor, he had chin for 2 and then to spare. If George Bush had been counseled on not ducking responsibility and served his time in the military in a meaningful manner.

I think I'll stick with working with my issues and you with working with your issues - but... one does wonder...((giggle))

[judifilksign.livejournal.com]

Good appropriate use of your withdrawing coping skills to stabilize. Also, by coming our for hugs and food, and maintaining control of your space by inviting people in to talk with you, you did not totally shut down, and were able to maintain functionality, and return to a calm state.

"attack of severe anxiety; no known trigger. Buying groceries??"
Identifying the trigger is not as important with coping with the situation.
Sometimes, it's when our brains are on "idle" in a normal, everyday task that things overwhelm us, because we aren't thinking so hard about all the things we have to do which keeps those triggering thoughts/emotions at bay.

"I am, at least, getting better about noticing that I'm having problems and reducing some of the stress before I flake out entirely."
As they said on the old _G.I._Joe_ cartoons: "And knowing is half the battle!"

[mdlbear]

Thanks. I'm learning, if slowly.

Useful tip. Yeah, I tend to place too much importance on understanding how things got to where they are, rather than on fixing the symptomsm first. It's my hacker mentality coming through, I guess -- in software it's always better to fix the real problem than to apply a superficial patch. When it's my brain, I have to do both.

"Know your enemy", indeed. Also "We have met the enemy and he is us."