Done yesterday (20090610)

[mdlbear]

0610 We
  * up 6:30; W=193.2; drugs, nose, teeth; coffee, C
  * Ali over at 7:30; can leave early for work.
  = note: Colleen finds the 2-wheeled walker less tiring, because she can put
    some of the weight on her arms.  4-wheel presumably better exercise.
  @ http://www.audreyandclint.com/photoalbum.htm
  & ordered 3 quick-connects (on sale, half-price) from AMS
  & wasted about an hour browsing AMS and MF
  * Walk: just 1/2 hour standing on the hill talking to Callie
    Nice to be outside in good weather.  Very nice to talk to a friend.
    ! calm, happy.  | cool; clean air; very pleasant weather
  & progress at work, finally
  & Aha: could it be that my addiction to doing things that make me feel bad
    (e.g. procrastinating) is because they make me feel _something_ and the
    resulting feeling is highly predictable?  Things that make me feel good
    rely on things I can't predict, like whether someone answers the phone.
  & CD order from Juanita Coulson
  & the pile of magazines on a box on the floor finally toppled 
    Time for triage and recycling.
  * bed 11ish; YD closed up while I assisted Colleen.
  * raised the head of my bed a little to try to keep nose clear.  
    seems to have worked.

It was a pretty good day yesterday: a CD order from a dealer, a good conversation with a friend, a little progress with my current project at work, and a potentially-useful insight.

I got off to a rather late start on my walk, after wasting about an hour browsing musical-equipment sites. I ended up spending my time outdoors (in beautiful walking weather) talking to cflute while standing under a tree on the hill behind our building -- I get the best cell phone signal there. But I was calm, and happy, and glad to be out in the cool, clean air after the morning's light rain. Win.

As for the insight: a lot of my behavior around procrastination, and not making phone calls to friends even though I know I'd probably enjoy the conversation, has been difficult for me to understand. It occurs to me that it sounds a lot like a child doing something bad to get attention, because even being scolded is better than being ignored. Hmm. Could it be that the bad feeling I get from avoiding something and beating myself up about avoiding it is at least a feeling, and a predictable one at that? It's under my control, as opposed to calling a friend, where how I'm going to feel depends on whether they answer the phone. Maybe feeling acutely lonely is worse than feeling vaguely lonely and disgusted with myself? Or it has been in the past? Now, I don't know. It's familiar, at least.

Raising the head of my bed a few degrees seems to help me sleep without my nose getting congested. Yay for that!

Comments

[chaoswolf]

The feeling seems familiar to me as well. I have days where I want to call people, but I don't remember their schedules well enough (let alone still have their phone numbers) to keep in touch. The numbers I have are limited.

Avoidance of job seeking sites seems to be helping clear my mind, but definitely beating myself up over not having a job yet is something I've been doing a lot of. Especially with the room mate having a jaw/ear infection and having to cover the cost of his meds.

This whole job-not-haz thing is starting to piss me off, in honesty.