Done yesterday (20090619)

[mdlbear]

0619 Fr
  * awake ~6; dozed; up ~7; W=193.4; drugs, nose, teeth; coffee, C
    could have done without the dozing, but that's better
  * TJ: granola, dried cranberries, tortillas
  * Barefoot: coffee
    ! pleased to get the shopping done while Colleen was still asleep
  ! 11:00 tense and unhappy.  No reason I can think of, unless maybe it's the
    YD being recalcitrant.  (11:30: definitely the YD.)
  & first light on phone camera.  The tree on the hill behind work looks
    entirely too climbable.  No walk to speak of, though.
  * call to make an app't (next month) with Dr. Sheikh for 3-month followup
  * CADD pump and rented wheelchair have been picked up by Apria.
  * BevMo: gin
  & I never imagined myself as working a counseling hotline
    ! too busy to feel weird about it at the time
  x missed the bill-paying deadline of 11pm
    water and gas are the closest; I think there's a bit of margin.  Still.
  * bed ~midnight

I got up at an almost-reasonable time yesterday morning, for once, but still didn't get much done.

I'm still finding it deeply weird to be the person some of my friends want to talk to about their problems. I think that of all the things I've found out about myself in the last year and a half, that's by far the strangest and least-expected.

Comments

[septemberlilac.livejournal.com]

A lot of us, while craving understanding, are nonetheless unwilling to do major self-analysis in full view of the world. It's just too intimidating to (figuratively) stand up naked in public and explore what we're feeling or not feeling and why we think that may or may not be so. We're too fragile for that, too afraid of letting other people near those dark alleys. Watching someone else do it is a stunning experience. It seems to create some sort of emotional bond that you probably didn't intend to create or invite - a sense of, 'he has problems, I have problems, they may be quite different problems but here's someone who just might be able to understand what I'm saying.' The effect must be intensified for those who are your personal friends.

I'd be surprised if they *didn't* choose you to confide in, but I understand how weird it must feel from your side. It can be disconcerting to realize that there's a huge gulf between self-perception and the way others perceive you. Something vaguely similar has happened to me once or twice with a certain friend, and I've found myself thinking, "Why on earth are you asking me? I'm waaaay more screwed up than you are!"

[mdlbear]

Thank you, especially for making me see myself from another new direction. For some reason, this kind of self-analysis in public feels entirely natural to me. I'm not sure how I reconcile that with being painfully shy, but I'm not going to worry about it.