Done yesterday (20091112 Th)

[mdlbear]

1112 Th
  * up 7:00; W=198.2; drugs, nose; YD made coffee
    coffee maker stopped working halfway through pot; suspect a bug. :(
  * call YD in sick.  feeling nauseous.
  * 11am all hands meeting at work
    major changes, not affected except for MG moving to a different group
  * walk; to pond.
    Major slowdown/stop:  discouragement/let-down from yesterday.
    "if that's the way I am, is this all there is?"
    Does the combination of a limited emotional range and inability to detect
    feelings directly mean that I may never experience happiness?  Joy?
    Is "joy" even a meaningful concept for me?  
      (I _think_ so, maybe, but will have to dig for evidence.)
    ! reasonably calm not but still down/discouraged/puzzled/disappointed
      A/N, filtering, shoulding, magnifying -, discounting +
    * they're probably the wrong/not useful questions to ask.
  & Sometime yesterday N. said that I don't look fat, or old.  Weird.
  <- "my songbook" website for collaborating via songbooks.
  & (from 1028) Affirmations: 
    = I am an interesting person.
    = People enjoy talking with me.
  * print LTCI form
  * Date night:  Dinner @ Arya; drive
  * post Thankful Thursday
  & Affirmation:
    = It's perfectly ok to be an introvert.  It may sound as though everyone
      is an extrovert, but that's because the introverts don't talk as much.
  * cyclobenzaprine, bath, bed; a little snuggle.

Odd day; something of a rollercoaster. To start things out, the coffee maker failed halfway through the pot. One cup for me, one for Colleen, and that's it. Time for a new one, I guess; I'm tempted to get one that grinds the beans...

There was an all-hands meeting at work; big news but not bad news, about how our lab is having an impact on the company. The only part that affects me is that one of the four people in my group is one of the two people moving to a different group. Fortunately, his part of $PROJECT is nearly done, so the timing is good.

I walked down to the pond, but with two stops. Stopping or slowing down while I'm out for a walk is usually a sign that something is wrong -- that's me and my inability to feel emotions except from their physical effects, again. This time it closed the loop, with the question "if I can't detect emotions directly, does that mean I may never experience happiness? Joy? Are those even meaningful concepts for me?"

Or, on the other hand, are those even meaningful or useful questions to be asking? Probably not. That's just where I'm starting from. So I was discouraged and disappointed, but mostly puzzled. I was mostly back up to calm and neutral by the time I got back to the lab, but the puzzlement remains. It's going to take some research, of a sort that I don't really know how to do.

On the gripping hand, I came up with a new affirmation: "It's perfectly ok to be an introvert. It may sound as though everyone is an extrovert, but that's because we introverts don't talk as much."

Transcribing my notes from the walk, I ran across two more: "I am an interesting person" and "People enjoy talking with me."

I also remembered that N. had told me on Wednesday that she didn't think I looked particularly fat, or old. So obviously my self-image needs a lot of work, along with my self-esteem.

The evening was much better: we went out intending to try a new restaurant that turned out not to be open yet, so we diverted to Arya because we were close. Yum. For an appetizer we had a plate of little rice crisps with three different sauces. Gluten-free and delicious.

Took a drive on the way home.

Comments

[kyrielle]

A thought rattling through my head, which I hope is coherent (it had other unrelated thoughts with it but I lost them all before I finished this one, sigh):

Happiness/joy. Joy is usually an elation, a peak emotion. Happiness can range from joy down to contentment, IMX of the use of the word...and you seem to be getting better at spotting when you're contented and what leads to that. (And if you are happy or joyful, you're experiencing them...your experience of them may just be that they're similar to contentment, or it may not. If that's how you are and you're okay with it, maybe it's not an issue.)

[mdlbear]

Perfectly coherent; thanks. Actually at this point I'm really not sure what my experience is; I don't think I have enough sample points yet.

That does seem to be how I am, though, so it seems I'll have to get to be okay with it.

[judifilksign.livejournal.com]

Be thou warned: the coffee makers that grind the beans sound like an airplane taking off an aircraft carrier when they go off. Some of my friends use the timer on their coffee makers as their alarm clocks - and they sleep upstairs from the kitchen!

If you don't detect emotions consciously, that does not mean you are not experiencing them, it only means you are not thinking about what you are feeling as you are feeling them.

You are in a place in your self-learning where you are constantly observing and analyzing yourself. Sometimes, it's okay to just "be" without worrying if you are ticking off on some checklist the appropriate number of times to be happy, sad or mad throughout your day.

It is good to have a general awareness of your moods, and be responsive to your needs, though.

As to "not" feeling, or having a "limited" emotional range: When you snuggle with Colleen, you have posted before about being content, and loved. When you haven't been able to, you have posted about feeling sad and alone. You *do* feel! I have noted that you often subsume your emotional reactions in order to cope with what needs doing at the moment. That's a useful coping skill in the short-term to get by in crisis. Long term, you need time for you to let yourself feel and be you.

And when you start feeling after "stuffing" feelings back, they can often come out and bite you, having crying jags unrelated to the events going on around you, feelings of worry when everything is going well. I think some of that has happened to you as well, when you feel safe.

Do not mix up extroverted people's ability to easily speak about their emotional experiences with a lack of ability to feel. You feel, but do not have the words to identify it. And most people, introverted or not, tend not to be aware of what is going on inside their heads at any moment.

[phoenixpdx.livejournal.com]

Uh...what she said. Nearly word for word. Perhaps she is a long-lost twin, separated at birth from me....or else she is Sharing My Brain. Either way...good stuff.

[mdlbear]

Thank you!! This is fantastically helpful.

I figured out about not detecting emotions consciously only a couple of months ago; the evidence had been staring me in the face, but it took what amounted to a full-bore panic attack to knock me over the head with it.

I'm still figuring out how to "let [my]self feel and be [me]" -- I think that's my next major challenge along this stretch of the river. I don't think I've ever actually done that. Certainly not consciously, anyway.

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

You are not now directly recognizing when you feel joy at the same time as you are feeling it, but you do recognize it from actions or later. Sounds to me like you are feeling it, but not good at identifying it, like someone who can hear the different pitches as different, for instance, a C and a B but whose brain is not trained to know whether it is a C or a B.

And you're learning!

Also, logical identification is an analytical thing. Feelings are a being thing. They're different types of consciousness/brain function. Not everyone can do both at once. And that's OK.

[mdlbear]

Yes; alexithymia is definitely a component of it. There are actually two related problems: not having the words to identify it, and not feeling it consciously in the first place.

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

{{{hugs}}}

I hope that, like learning to read the wind on the waves, your brain will get the hang of this, and suddenly see the patterns that are there where now you see chaos.

[callibr8]

"It's perfectly ok to be an introvert. It may sound as though everyone is an extrovert, but that's because we introverts don't talk as much."

Yes, it is. One of the reasons that I enjoy your company in person is that neither of us seems to feel compelled to "run off at the mouth".

And, we love you just the way you are. So there!

You've never looked old-old to me. Older than me? Yeah. So what? But not old-old in the sense of set in your ways and unable to embrace new ideas or innovations. I don't think you'll ever be "old", by that standard. :-)

[mdlbear]

:) *happy hug*

As for being old; I don't feel old, either. Every once in a while my body feels compelled to remind me.

[joecoustic.livejournal.com]

"if I can't detect emotions directly, does that mean I may never experience happiness? Joy?

My take on this is that you will/already do, you would just describe it, or equate it to something different than another person might. I actually think we all do this to one extent or another. Some folks get better at, or prefer, using the common terminology to describe it - you may too someday, or maybe not, but I think it's all "equal", personal and unique to the individual.

[mdlbear]

Hmm. So I probably do experience them, I just don't have whatever it takes to discriminate and describe them accurately. Yeah, that fits.

[rms-butterfly.livejournal.com]

After reading your last few posts, I suupose this would be a good time to mention how much I enjoyed chatting w/you at OVFF. I would also agree that you seemed neither particularly old or fat when I saw you. :-) *hugs*

[mdlbear]

Yes, that was fun. We'll have to talk more often.

*hugs*

[shadowe_wraithe]

Since my head's not right to discuss the River aspects of...I will share the better info I have on Coffee Makers.

Buy a Senseo! Ask Jewels (Pondside) how good it is! I will never ever ever go back to drip coffee again. It is deliciouso! Also, the Senseo brand pods are awesomely rich, flavourful and you can get them really cost effectively via Amazon.com's Subscribe & Save program, with free shipping!

Here's a link to their webpage:

http://www.senseo.us/Products/Appliances/Pages/HD7832-55.aspx

I have not tasted a better cuppa, in many years, and I am sort of a coffee snob.

((((HUGS))))

[mdlbear]

I'm afraid we're addicted to our local roasting company, Barefoot Coffee Roasters. We buy whole beans and grind them fresh every morning.

Tempted to go with a French press, though.

[shadowe_wraithe]

Well, you can make your own pods you know...there are two different companies that have the Pod Maker things, and you can use your own beans...just a thought. ;-) Can ya tell I love the machine?

*HUGS*

[firecat]

Have you done any mindfulness type meditation? That has helped me learn how to be more aware of my emotions in the moment (and also how to turn off that awareness when I choose).

[mdlbear]

Yes, I have, though I haven't been very consistent (or is the correct word persistent) about it. It calms me down pretty well, but so far hasn't taught me much about my emotions. Maybe I need to do it more often?

[firecat]

Maybe. For a couple of years I was doing a 45 minute sitting once a month with other people. Also if I have a few minutes to wait someplace I check in on my state of mind and body and/or try to be aware of what's going on around me/various sensory inputs. The emotional awareness sort of arose out of that spontaneously, I didn't work specifically on it.

[mdlbear]

Yeah; meditation makes a good thing to do while waiting. I don't usually do much with body awareness -- that'll be a good thing to work on.

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

This sounds promising, since it sounds like a large part of how you are currently recognizing your moods is through body awareness (noticing that you're walking fast or slow, noticing that you're smiling, and so on).

And maybe that is true for lots of people as they learn to identify their own emotions. For instance, I have no clue how I first learned to recognize happiness, I learned it very young. It's quite possible that I noticed things like walking faster and smiling (or that my parents noticed my behavior and smiles and told me I was happy), and that I learned to recognize the more vague internal stuff from that.

[mdlbear]

I haven't been able to find much information on the subject. Lots of self-help books about controlling emotions; nothing I've seen on finding and identifying them in the first place. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places.

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

I don't know. Maybe there aren't any. The only things that I remember seeing about identifying emotions were people working with kids (and thus categorically not "self-help") and I think those were focused on helping the kids identify other people's emotions, not their own.

However, I never made a search for that kind of information, I'm just remembering stuff from news articles or something like that on TV or internet.

[mdlbear]

Fascinating. I remember being taught about colors and shapes and stuff like that in kindergarten, but not emotions.

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

This was very recent, in the last year or so, and I think was directed toward kids who were identified as having trouble with interacting with people, rather than part of the regular curriculum.

I think the show was talking about how the human brain automatically (usually) mirrors emotion when we see it in others--i.e. think about what happens on your face and in your mind if you see Colleen smile.

Parents do a different kind of mirroring for babies. "Oh, what are you doing? Are you waving your hand? Oh, yes, you're waving your hand. Now you're waving both hands!" This not only gives babies attention, it helps them learn the words and grammar needed to describe themselves and the world and their actions in it.

Most parents also mirror emotional things for their children: "ou're waving both hands? You must be really excited! Isn't it great to be visiting Grandma? Look how happy Grandma is. Oh, you're happy too, I can see your smile."

Since emotions have been considered unimportant in schools for a very long time (was just listening last night to an article on NPR on the importance of preschool not being "raising IQ" but teaching "character skills" which surprised the researchers), kids who grew up with parents and other adults who thought emotions weren't important may have missed out on this teaching as babies and toddlers--and brain pathways that are used get stronger and the ones that are not used atrophy.

However, if you just have wimpy brain structure in this area, once you know what to pay attention to and start paying attention in yourself and others, those connections in your brain will get stronger and more numerous.

[mdlbear]

Sounds plausible. I'm not at all sure what I'm doing -- I'm really groping in the dark here -- but it seems to ben helping a little anyway.