River: Why it's a problem

[mdlbear]

More support, if any were needed, for why I think that not being conscious of my emotions is a problem:

Last night I was feeling a lot of upper-body tension, mostly across my chest and shoulders. Anxiety? That's what it usually means. But then I noticed the thermostat, which was down to 66F from our usual 70. I decided that sleepytime tea, naproxen, warm snuggle and a hot bath would probably take care of either case, and they did.

I still don't know what the problem really was. If I really was afraid of something, it's still out there waiting to scare me again. I was just lucky that, in this case, I was able to handle either alternative with the same treatment.

And some things, like mild depression and contentment, don't have physical symptoms that I can recognize. I think it would be important to tell those apart, so that I know what to stop doing or keep doing. That's a large part of why my depression went untreated for decades -- I couldn't tell it was there.

It doesn't feel any different inside my head. Isn't it supposed to?

Comments

O_O

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

Wow, that sounds like an awful situation. Emotions are vital guides; if you can't sense them, you're sailing blind most of the time. About the best you can do, if you can't get at the emotions, is along the lines of what you're trying -- interpreting physical or other contextual signals.

Re: O_O

[mdlbear]

I suppose it says something that I wasn't able to articulate it as a problem until this week. When my therapist told me, a couple of weeks ago, that "it's only a problem if it bothers you" I knew that it bothered me, but couldn't say why.

The emotions are definitely there; that's something.

Re: O_O

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

>> When my therapist told me, a couple of weeks ago, that "it's only a problem if it bothers you" I knew that it bothered me, but couldn't say why.<<

To some extent that's true, although there are other types of problems something can cause besides bothering you.

>> The emotions are definitely there; that's something.<<

Oh yes, that's definitely better than not having them. Still a major challenge, but at least they're present to be searched for.

I actually have a science fiction story about some human characters who were raised by aliens; one result is that their emotional spectrum is different and parts of it are deeply buried beneath a sturdy layer of stoicism. Through the course of the story they learn to identify emotions better -- but there is forever something about them that is a little alien.

Re: O_O

[mdlbear]

That sounds eerily familiar.

Re: O_O

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

"To Know Sorrow" hasn't sold yet, but I could email you a copy of the story, if you'd like to read it -- and think it would be safe. The emotional terrain is rough and steep, but it's one of the strongest pieces I've written.

Re: O_O

[mdlbear]

Thanks! that would be delightful. username at livejournal.com works fine. Plain text, html, or pdf preferred -- I don't use Microsoft products.

Done!

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

I've sent you a copy.

Re: Done!

[mdlbear]

Many thanks! I look forward to reading it again in print.

Not actually rough going, but some of the terrain had a familiar feel about it.

[obsessivewoman.livejournal.com]

When I was learning to be a counselor, one of the things I learned in my own counseling sessions was that during the period of learning to connect to emotions that there's a period of creating an internal matrix or continuum which helps in distinguishing what a great day is from a bad day. For example, a great day for me might include some form of success that made me satisfied in some way that I can recall later and (cooking, laughing with Max or good friends, maybe do something extraordinary at work). A really bad day is one where I don't feel safe (job, health, physically, emotionally), I physically hurt more than usual, I worry, or possibly can't control thinking about past failures. Contentment is between the two - I don't obsess, I have some good things that happen during the day but nothing extraordinary, I usually have pain but it's not blocking me from being with the people I want to be with, etc... Now, some people need more or less for their great/bad days. Also, as you become more experienced in noticing things (like tension in your shoulders or being less patient with others), you may refine your definitions.

Also, for many people with depression, it may take a number of years to actually feel emotional extremes, especially with the planned effect of antidepressants.

For another issue, as you are rightly concerned about YD, you may also be a little emotionally locked down. However, as caretaker, you can't actually do much about the emotions until 1) there's a diagnosis and 2) there's something to act on. Given long term caretaking, it's possible that this is just more of the same sort of additional stress that would support stifling emotions for survival.

Regardless of what's happening, keep on taking care of yourself.

[mdlbear]

"Also, for many people with depression, it may take a number of years to actually feel emotional extremes, especially with the planned effect of antidepressants."

Actually I think I feel the extremes more than what's in the middle; at least they're noticeable. At least the lows; I still don't have much sense of where the highs are.

[mdlbear]

Thanks.

I don't think I'm more emotionally locked-down than usual, but it's hard to tell. The antidepressants have improved my emotional range a little, I think, but it's more about having more cope and bouncing back more quickly. The emotional effects, if any, are either subtle or hidden.

Not sure about the "internal matrix"; I may have to think about that some more. It sounds similar to what I already do -- work backwards from what I remember to come up with a label for what I was probably feeling. I don't think it works very reliably.

[danceswthcobras.livejournal.com]

Mine turn off periodically too, and my fear sensor is completely and irrevocably broken as far as I can tell. My body can experience the physical sensations of fear in extreme situations, and I initially mistook these experiences for an allergic reaction as there was no emotional awareness of fear whatsoever.

I can sometimes be aware of feeling other things, and sometimes not. Much of the time, I feel nothing at all emotionally, I just toddle pleasantly along and function perfectly well on logic, at least until I become aware of something that's upsetting me and causing subtle physical symptoms. It can take a long damn time for me to figure it out, though.

It's hard to tell what triggers the turning on and turning off, as it doesn't seem to be anything I can clearly recognize. It does help me to ask myself what I might be feeling and to focus on it, or to talk it out with someone I trust.