Done the last three days (20101031 Su - 1102 Tu)

[mdlbear]

1031 Su
  * up 7:30; W=198.6; drugs, nose, teeth; dishes, coffee
  @ One by One, The Penguins Steal My Sanity - Heavy Metal Halloween!
    Not my usual musical fare, but I'm quickly becoming a fan of Gridlore's
    "Heavy Metal Sunday" series.  Enjoy.
  ! noticed that I was feeling particularly good this morning.  Mentioned it
    to Colleen.  A combination of breathing all night and a happy post by N in
    the morning, most likely.
  * plug in Colleen's scooter
  * backups:  2010-10-31T08:27:36-0700 - 2010-10-31T09:15:12-0700
    /dev/sdc5            1349854392 465443460 815842304  37% /media/bak
  ~ make sure Colleen has handicap checkin for Orycon
    I thought there was a way to do this from the web, but apparently not
  * $1K to the YD (she's been saving).  Still owe $300.
  * pull songs off recording from the Seattle session
    Thought I had the harmony line for October Country, but apparently not.
     mv STE-000.wav /users/record/2010/05/29-Baycon/Tracks/
     mv STE-001.wav /users/record/2010/07/04-Westercon/Tracks
     /users/record/2010/10/16/Tracks/no-greater-love.aup
     /vv/users/record/2010/11/13-orycon
  ~ teaser album will end up a download.
  @ MOTU UltraLite-mk3 Hybrid | Sweetwater.com (via an EM article)
    MOTU "mark 3" devices | ffado.org  "Note that MOTU are
    hostile to Linux and do not support our effort in any way."
  = Southwest Airlines limits carryon bag dimensions to 10x16x24 inches
    The 45" thing seems to be gone; hopefully no trouble with Plink
    CPAP doesn't count, though.  A 22" suitcase would work fine.
  * st/roll with Colleen around the Rose Garden dying battery?
  * 4pm Bev's.  Probably leave sooner to get to bookstore
  @ Dances With Depression: Serotonin Saturday or How Serotonin Works AKA
    Serotonin, Not Just A Depression Related Brain Chemical! 
    Mind, serotonin, anxiety
    Fibromyalgia and DFS symptoms point to to low serotonin levels
  @ Bandcamp looks useful
  : Halloween pretty dead until early evening.
  % 8pm.  Sleepy.  
  ! very worried about Chaos/Selkit
  & puttering.   sudafed
  % 10pm drifting
  * 10:30 bath.  Bed.

1101 Mo
  * up 7:40; W=196.8; drugs, nose, teeth; coffee
  @ More on Money and Happiness | Big Questions Online via autographedcat
    (paper downloaded as JCP.doc; exported as ~/Downloads/JCP.pdf)
  % Susan poked at me to think about what makes me happy, oh, a year or so
    ago. And I didn't know. I still don't. It's made more complicated by the
    fact that one of my other problems is not being very aware of my emotions,
    so that if something makes me happy I sometimes don't really notice.
    Broken feedback loop.
  % I recently went through the exercise of deciding whether to stay in a
    production environment or go back to R&D.  I picked the latter, but it was
    hard.  The deciding factor was whether I could see myself still doing it,
    not six months from now, but for the next five or six years.
  @ Intentional Communities - ecovillages, communes, cohousing, coops
    householding: Share Intentional Communities 
  & lunch at Sr. Jalapeno's with Jake and Seth
  * buy: YD's bus pass on the way home
  * send $500 to Kat by PayPal
  * transfer $500 from svgs to HSX to cover gift to Kat
  . practice: /users/record/2010/10/16/no-greater-love.ogg
  % nose reasonably clear today, with no sudafed since yesterday.  increased
    flonase plus sudafed instead of afrin may have broken the cycle.

1102 Tu
  * up 7:30; W=197.2; drugs, nose, teeth; laundry, coffee, dishes
  @ elf: Don' mind me; I'm just feeling bitchy. 
    Collecting eBooks for a school library
  @ haikujaguar: Driveby Story 
    "Tears," a story of the Pelted, free on Smashwords. Clickie!
  * sample ballot
  * VOTE
  & lunch at the sushi place with Seth.  Bento.  Tasty, but expensive.
  * Avoiding group
  * buy: pantsu
  * bed ~11; snuggle

Hmm. I seem to have gone a little too long without updating; this will probably be sketchy. Hazard of trying to get more sleep on workdays.

I finally got around to pulling out the audio for "No Greater Love", as Callie sang it for me during my Seattle trip, and have been working on the chords as well. (A9 and Am9 can both be faked with Asus2 if necessary, but sound better if you can get the third in.) And I'm working on the lead sheets. Tempered Glass has a half-hour set a week from Saturday at Orycon.

Sunday morning I noticed that I was feeling particularly good, and went so far as to mention it to Colleen. Probably a combination of being able to breathe all night, and some good news in the morning. I also went for a st/roll with Colleen around the Rose Garden. The good mood had mostly evaporated by the evening; I was foggy with sleep, and worried.

Monday, a conversation reminded me about an earlier exercise where I was asked what makes me happy. I didn't know then, and still mostly don't. It's made more complicated by the fact that one of my other problems is not being very aware of my emotions, so that if something makes me happy I sometimes don't really notice. Broken feedback loop.

Tuesday I voted.

Links include Mind, serotonin, anxiety - a student paper that suggests a link between low serotonin and fibromyalgia and CFS.

Comments

[judifilksign.livejournal.com]

Question to ponder: When you are unaware of what you are feeling, is it due to doing "normal" things that don't have a lot of emotional content? (Like doing routine work, washing dishes, reading the paper, etc.)

When you do something "fun" for you, like playing music, or cuddling with Colleen, you talk of being in a good mood. Is this happy?

Are you aware of being discontent, or annoyed when things don't go right?

[mdlbear]

Ooh! Good questions. *ponders*...

I think there's almost always a delay. With discontent or depression, or mild annoyance, it's a lot like cleaning my glasses. I only notice how dirty my glasses _were_ after I've cleaned them; I can go for weeks not noticing. Even now, when I'm mostly in the slightly positive side of the mood graph, it can take me days or weeks to really notice a change for the worse.

With something that really absorbs me, like a book, a movie, cuddle, playing music, programming, ... I'm pretty much in a light trance state, and only notice when I stop. Anger, too -- I don't notice it until I calm down enough not to be consumed by it. Sunday morning, too -- it took me a while (I don't know how long. An hour? Two?) to notice that I was in a particularly good mood. Sometimes it takes me a long time to notice that I've been smiling.

With smaller things, I might notice more quickly, but if I'm in the middle of doing anything else, it'll get forgotten.

[judifilksign.livejournal.com]

One of the things you *are* doing, which helps train awareness, is to post about your day, and evaluate the positives.

Research has found that folks who write down things that they like, or are grateful for, or went well, become more optimistic, and more aware of being in a positive state. Perhaps you will become more self-aware over time as you continue to post.

But self-awareness is something MOST people actually do not have. I'm sure that I don't spend a lot of my time figuring out how I'm feeling, I just go with whatever flow I'm in. I only *think* about it when things aren't going my way, and I have to take measures to make it better.

[mdlbear]

*nods* Thank you. It is helping.

[mdlbear]

"But self-awareness is something MOST people actually do not have."

Oh. Right.

Another of my problems is that I really don't know very much about what other people are like. Combination of not being very observant, and not having all that many opportunities or people to observe. And being too shy to start a deep conversation, though I'm only too happy to jump down a rabbit-hole if the person I'm talking with goes first.

[saffronrose.livejournal.com]

The link to the student paper showed me light pink text on white. WHY do people do this?