Done yesterday (20110310 Th)

[mdlbear]

0310 Th
  * up 6:35; W=197.4; drugs, nose, teeth, light; coffee, dishes
  * 8:15 leave for Kaiser
  * 9am Dr. Rogers
    *- emotional disconnect
    -> handouts from Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline
       Personality Disorder by Marsha Linehan, 1993.
  @ 5 trends to watch at SXSW Interactive - CNN.com 
  @ The Tao of the Silicon.Shaman - A glow in the desert...[article save]
    A Glow in the West Texas Desert - NYTimes.com 
  @ ebonypearl: Food on the Fly
  % reading through the handout on recognizing emotions from Dr. Rogers, it
    looks as though a lot of what I've been experiencing has been _shame_.
    That was quite unexpected.  
  @ Data as Art: 10 Striking Science Maps | Wired Science | Wired.com
  ! overwhelmed by the pile-ups in the office and my to.do file.
  * call N. for a concert if it's ok with Colleen  -- she was busy, so sang to
    Colleen.  Then N called back, and sang some more.
  * Colleen: humira
  * bed 11:30ish

A pretty good day -- busy, somewhat productive at work (mostly getting a new coworker set up with hardware and a development environment, and sorting through my list of tasks to find the ones that aren't actually my problem). Though the huge pile of tasks still left at work, and the massive pile of boxes and envelopes in the office at home, were (and still are) pretty overwhelming.

Naomi had asked me to call after dinner and sing to her, but when I finally did call she was busy, so I sang to Colleen instead. Naomi joined us just as I (thought I) was finishing up, so the concert continued. I probably did more singing last night than I did all weekend at Consonance. That's OK; I didn't go to Consonance to sing, but to talk to people. (I didn't do enough of that, either, but I didn't expect to.)

The most interesting thing was going through the handouts on recognizing emotions that I got from Dr. Rogers in the morning and discovering that many of my most common symptoms match up with shame. That was a huge surprise, though it may have something to do with my self-image. What there is of it.

The top link, I think, was Data as Art: 10 Striking Science Maps at Wired.com

Comments

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Shame, or embarrassment (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Embarrassment)?

[mdlbear]

Well, the handout in question lumps them both into the same category. Which I guess you have to do when reducing it down to six basic emotions (the others being love, joy, anger, fear, and sadness).

In this case, though, I think shame is correct; embarrassment depends on having something witnessed; shame can be purely internal, a matter of self-image. Even when I'm apologizing for something that isn't my fault, like being misunderstood or having made a decision that was only wrong in retrospect, I think I'm mostly reacting to my own perfectionist view of myself.

The perfectionism is also something rather unexpected.

[mdlbear]

Hmm; the Wikipedia article on shame also mentions "vicarious shame", which I'm also very prone to (though I've always thought of it more as vicarious embarrassment; I think shame is closer because the people I'm feeling it for are often not embarrassed in the least). It's why I hate most comedy, and sometimes walk out of movies.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

I can't stand any movie or TV show labeled a "comedy" either. There is nothing funny about insults, or cruelty, or crudeness revolving around bodily functions, or people behaving stupidly. But an especially clever bit of word-play can make me laugh so hard I have trouble catching my breath!

[mdlbear]

That. It's why I love xkcd so much.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

I love xkcd, too, even when I don't understand it...

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

This (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder) is what the DSM says about BPD, and it doesn't seem to describe you very well. Of course, other "mental illnesses" also have the potential for perfectionism and shame.

[mdlbear]

Doesn't describe me at all, from what I can tell, except maybe for the "unstable self-image or sense of self", and maybe the dissociation; but apparently part of the treatment includes learning to identify and manage emotions. That's the part I need.

And if the list of behavioral signs can help me identify emotions in other people, that would be good, too. (Admittedly, they could be as confused as I am. But at least it would be additional data that I'm currently not getting much of.)

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

IANAD, etc. (although my son is a psychologist), but I'd be more likely to think you're on the autism/Asperger's axis than any of the more florid "personality disorders". You have trouble recognizing various emotions in yourself and in others because you weren't born with the ability to connect an emotional state with its physical manifestations or with its name. You're now learning how to do it via logic: "I am mildly excited in a pleasurable way, and I can feel my face muscles smiling; therefore, I must be happy. She looks as if she's trying to make her body as small as possible, and she's turning her face away; therefore, she must be afraid." (There are probably long lists of these correlations in various places online.)

[mdlbear]

I'm definitely not one of the personality disorders; they just have some useful tools. I don't seem to be on the autism spectrum either -- I seem to have a lot of empathy. Near as I can figure, I learned to block emotions because they were too intense (or something), during a time when most kids would have been learning about them.

Hmm. Also, a lot of my empathy seems to involve vicarious embarrassment, which could explain why I learned to block it.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

*sigh*
In other words, you had the usual childhood of a weirdo :-(

We all developed different ways of coping with the way the world treated us for our weirdness. But at least, as adults, we can recognize that these coping strategies are inappropriate now, and learn how to change them.

*hugs*

[mdlbear]

*hugs* and thanks for all the advice.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

I seem to give advice the way cats shed ;-(

(And now we're both 21 for the third time!)

[mdlbear]

Heh. I've gone beyond that now, and into 7-bit territory.