River: Will you call me?

[mdlbear]

I'm going to try to keep this post pretty close to the surface; the next one downstream may cut a little deeper. You've been warned.

If you're my friend, and I do something wrong, or stupid, or hurtful, I really hope you'll be a good enough friend to tell me about it. If I make excuses, or try to feed you a line of bullshit, I hope you'll call me on it. I need you to call me on it -- that's how I learn.

I'm not all that good at being human. I make a lot of mistakes; and miss a lot of cues that might be obvious to someone more sensitive, and sometimes I hurt people without intending to. If you ignore it, or let me brush it off with an offhand apology, I'm likely to do it again.

My parents always told me that "just apologizing isn't enough."

Sure, I'll apologize, and try to repair the damage I caused. Sometimes it's not repairable, which makes me sad. I'll probably offer either an excuse, or an explanation. Don't let me get away with excuses.

I realize this is a difficult concept for some people, maybe even most people, but there's a big difference between an excuse and an explanation. An excuse involves putting the blame on somebody or something else. "The dog ate my homework." "He just came out of nowhere and rear-ended me." "I didn't mean to, I just sort of blew up."

An explanation is an attempt to identify something that I can do differently next time. "I put my homework where the dog could reach it." "I wasn't paying attention to the side streets; I must have been thinking about something else." "I seem to lose control when I get angry, and say things I don't really mean." See the difference?

My Dad was a scientist, and I'm a computer programmer. I know it deep in my bones -- I can't bullshit nature. I can't sweet-talk a computer. There's always an explanation, even if I don't know how to find it. People are more difficult, and I'm more difficult still. It's really easy for me to lie to myself. Or rather not lie, exactly, but to gloss over what really happened because knowing the truth, the reality, would make me uncomfortable.

A friend is, often, someone who's willing to point out uncomfortable truths. Someone who's willing to stand behind me and push me to own up to my mistakes, to stand beside me and hold my hand when I do.

If you see me doing something wrong, call me on it.

Comments

[lemmozine.livejournal.com]

You remind me of the scene in Wizard of Oz - the book, not the movie - where the tin woodsman explains how he has to be very careful when walking, so he won't accidentally step on an ant, because it would remind him he has no heart, that would make him cry, and as a result his jaws would rust shut, rendering him speechless.

I think, like the tin woodsman, you are far more capable than you allow yourself to admit.

[mdlbear]

Thanks. But I'm not nearly as thoughtful as the TW -- I often explain that bears, especially mandelbears, are very clumsy animals.

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

If I notice a problem I will try to tell you.

[mdlbear]

Thanks!

[nosebeepbear.livejournal.com]

See the difference?

YES. Thank you for this post.

[kyrielle]

Yes.

...also, thank you. I needed to read this, and need to think about it, as the differentiation between explanation and excuse is one of the best I've heard. (Though I do think sometimes the explanation is external...but those are usually really clear cases, and not as common as we'd like to think. I'm contemplating the day another driver rear-ended me while I was totally stopped in traffic with nowhere to go...as was everyone ahead of and around me; she was creeping forward with the rest of us and didn't notice when we'd stopped again. Then again, that one didn't need an excuse; it didn't make me late to anything, no one was hurt, and no major damage was done.)

[mdlbear]

Good point. Yeah, you can't anticipate everything; I've been rear-ended twice, and it was clearly the other driver's fault both times -- I was stopped.

And I've given my kids an "excused absence" from school plenty of times when they were sick. I guess the real difference is that "making an excuse" is an attempt to shift blame.

[kyrielle]

Aha. I just realized a terminology that hits me - "excuses" aren't bad if they are legitimate excuses - but "making excuses" (as opposed to having an explanation that also does excuse something) is the issue.

Speaking of which, I arrived at 11:20 to pick up a tray of party sandwiches that was going to be ready for pickup at 11 am. It was not only not ready, they had not started making it. I got to stand around for 10 minutes while they made it. "It's been really hectic this morning."

They require 24 hours notice on orders. I placed the order on, oh, Tuesday or so?

I got an apology and a discount, though, and I built in extra time - it's for a party at 3. So other than being annoying, no big deal. ;)

[admnaismith.livejournal.com]

I'm proud to be your friend.

[mdlbear]

Thank you very much!

[phoenixpdx.livejournal.com]

I certainly can call you on it should I ever see it. So far, can't say as I have...which is saying something, dear bear.

May I ask for the reciprocal, please?

[mdlbear]

Certainly! Thank you.