Done last week (20160807Su - 13Sa)

[mdlbear]

Not a bad week, but not very productive, either. Tuesday was a write-off, and Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday weren't much better. I've been making myself sick with worry about Ticia for some time now, because the way her abdomen looks reminded me too much of the way Curio looked when he was dying of FIP. Well, after missing Ticia's appointment on Tuesday due to traffic, I finally got her seen on Thursday -- nothing to worry about: what's distending her tummy turns out to be simply fat. So relieved.

I actually got some work done on Friday. I also had some good experiences on the bus, in both directions. Good conversation on the way home, and I got some nice smiles from people I helped with the fold-up seats in the handicapped section. Apparently not being consumed by worry makes me more easygoing in social situations. Who knew?

(Most people apparently know things like that. It's not a direction my mind usually goes. I am gradually developing more self-awareness in that direction, but it takes work -- it's not one of the things I'm good at.)

I have been learning about self-compassion, at my therapist's suggestion and following some timely links from ysabetwordsmith. Apparently it's better for one than self-esteem, which is a good thing, because I don't have a whole lot of that. Nor self-confidence. Self-compassion doesn't really help at all with that, but it makes it easier to live with.

My therapist also spoke to me Tuesday about setting boundaries. That's another thing I seem to be bad at. It gets complicated, though, because telling people "no" feels too much like being unkind and antisocial, and both of those are things I have to actively work at not being. I have my best experiences in social situations when I'm being more open (see above) rather than hiding behind a wall. Or a book, phone, or computer, which are even more effective things to hide behind. How the heck do ordinary humans balance those things, anyway?

(I'm not all that great at human, either. Let alone adult. (Both "human" and "adult" are being used as verbs there. Deal. (Why, yes; I've been coding in Lisp since 1970. Why do you ask?))) Oddly enough, this doesn't prevent me from answering questions about relationships on Quora. Them as can't do, teach? In my more self-confident moments, I try to remind myself that somebody who's been contentedly married for forty-odd years to the same woman may actually have learned a few things here and there.

*sigh* It really all comes down to self-confidence, doesn't it? I'm not even confident about my programming ability anymore -- too many recent bad estimates and missed targets. I'm hanging on by my fingernails.

Notes & links:

0807Su
  * Up 6ish; W=203.4, P=129/73, p=65; shower, dishes
  @ I Ran the C.I.A. Now I’m Endorsing Hillary Clinton. - The New York Times
  @ Harvard Republican Club Refuses to Endorse Donald Trump — Next Right — Medium 
  * Writing:  526 words in the weekly post
  @ Older Adults and Technology Use | Pew Research Center (2014; there may be a more
    recent one, but their search function is worthless)
  @ Senior Technology: 5 Facts About How Post 50s Are Using The Internet
  @ Phone-Reluctant Introverts, There is Nothing Wrong With You f(GPB)
  @ QFC to get stroganoff ingredients; petco for cat food and litter
    The trick to using chunks of "beef for stew" is to trim each piece and slice it into
    quarter-inch-thick slices across the grain.
  @ ​How To Build Your Own Altoids Tin Survival Kit
  @ ​Build Your Own First Aid Kit, It Might Save Your Life
  @ Build A Kit | Ready.gov
  % 7pm P=146/100, p=71.  Ok, we ask for another BP med. retake P=158/80
    8:40 P=144/78, p=69
  @ How to find the BEST Therapist for you | Psychology Today
  : Colleen went up to bed around 9pm.

0808Mo
  * up 6:25; W=203.4, P=120/83, p=54; dishes
  * Made a vet appointment for Ticia.
    % It was hard to do.  So much worry.  So many echoes of Curio.  So much I don't want
      to know / am afraid to find out.  But I did it.
  & Got a call from a headhunter with an attractive job with a healthcare company starting
    a new group: Providence Digital.  Something rang a bell, so I asked exactly the right
    two questions:  1. Are they a nonprofit?  (Yes, so that's a point in their favor.)
    2. Are they associated with a religion?  (Yes.  Deal killed.)
  @ I told my friend: Donald Trump is the Republican Party I've Known My Entire Adult
    Life (@ The Predictability of Trump - The Wordsmith's Forge)
  @ Minds turned to ash | 1843 (Nouns, verbs, and selves: An inconsistent-in-me assortment - Bitter Grace )
    Interesting link, and led me off on wikipedia dives in several different directions,
    starting from Melancholia I, and going through magic squares into group theory. I have
    so far resisted the urge to dive into string theory -- that way madness lies.
    @ The City of Dreadful Night by James Thomson
      Probably not the best reading for someone prone to suffer from despair.
      % Reminds me of Dahlgren
  % I haven't seen Ticia since I got home.  Presumably sleeping upstairs, but...
    Oh.  Here she is.  Speak of the Devil, and his cats will appear.
  % 8:45 P=150/127 p=68   121/78 79  113/69 72  121/71 79 (consecutive; last with large)
  
0809Tu
  * up 6:15; W=201.8, P=108/78, p=61;
  @ The crayola-fication of the world: How we gave colors names, and it messed with our
    brains (part I) | Empirical Zeal
  @ Self-Compassion Exercises by Dr. Kristin Neff (Poem: "Brush Yourself Off"
    - The Wordsmith's Forge)
    @ Why Self-Compassion Trumps Self-Esteem | Greater Good
    @ Christopher
      Germer, PhD, author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion; clinical psychologist
      specializing in the application of Buddhist psychology and meditation to alleviate
      difficult emotions in psychotherapy and everyday life.
    @ SoothingTouch.pdf
    @ Be Gentle with Your Pain | Pandora's Project
    @ What It Means to Really Take Care of Yourself
    @ 55 gentle ways to take care of yourself when you're busy
    @ How To Practice Self-Compassion, by Emma Seppala
  * took some time to track down the cat carriers -- one was in the upstairs linen closet,
    and two were in the downstairs hall closet.
  % 2:22 P=109/83, p=80 after going up and down stairs a couple of times.  Surprised it's
    so low.  (Though the diastolic is still pretty high.)
  * 4pm Anita Brown ... just after dealing with a series of texts with N, and an email
    from G.  Anita said a few things about setting boundaries.  I'm not sure I know how to
    do that, and even if I did I don't think I have that luxury.  Not if I want to keep a
    roof over our heads
  ~ 6pm morticia - Lien -> rescheduled -- the appointment with Anita ran long and by
    the time I got through the tunnel it was clear I wasnt going to make it in time
  @ Text analysis of Trump's tweets confirms he writes only the (angrier) Android half –
    Variance Explained
  % I probably shouldn't feel guilty about not doing enough to fix other people's
    irrational behavior.
  % 10:30  P=119/78, p=80

0810We
  * up 6:15; W=201.2, P=105/80, p=58;
  @ Anybody Can Have A Meltdown • Snagglebox BT,DT
  % 6:52 P=137/85, p=81 -- it's been below 140 for the last couple of days, but I don't
    like the highs.  They may be due to sodium intake.
  @ Fan.tasia - YouTube (solarbird | the transition masking alone is worth the watch) wow.
  % 9:43 P=128/75, p=81
  @ 55 gentle ways to take care of yourself when you're busy
  % The leg pain I had yesterday and this morning seems to be gone now.  I see I neglected
    to mention it.
  * Writing 365 words (in PJ)

0811Th
  * Up 6:05; W=201.2, P=110/80, p=80; laundry, dishes
  & Apparently my massive refactoring a couple of weeks ago left some things out.  I need
    to remember to save the last working commit.  Thought I had.
  * 6:19pm P=148/88, p=80
  * 7pm morticia Dr. Paulson -> huge relief.  What's in her tummy appears to be fat.  She
    weighs 12 lbs, so she's gained it honestly (and is overweight).  After her X-ray she
    went back into her carrier.  I think it's a safe place for her.  (She also tried to
    get into the exam room's trash can -- twice!)  The tab was a little over $350, but
    worth it in terms of relief.
  @ Trump escalates claim that Obama founded ISIL - POLITICO I'm inclined to go with
    Robert Reich -- he knows he's going to lose; he just wants to build up his brand to
    maximize his profits afterward.
  & adjusted my bank transfers.  I'm running very close to the edge right now.  Reduced
    the YD's, skipped the one to the business account, and I'm damned if I know how I'm
    going to raise Colleen's to pay for groceries.

0812Fr
  * up 6:16; W=202.4, P=114/79, p=61; laundry, dishes
  * Writing: ~120 words in gratitude
  * 10:30 Colleen Harborview - Dermatology - West Clinic 3rd floor
  & Nice conversation on the bus - young woman from one floor up at $A, with a lovely
    white dog.  One of the sled-dog breeds; don't remember which
  % I seem to have developed the habit of helping other riders who are having difficulty
    with the fold-up seats.  Both ways, today.  Morning was a woman with a baby; evening a
    woman with a walker.  Got some nice smiles.
  @ Julie d’Aubigny, Mademoiselle de Maupin (link post) | Alpennia
    La Maupin
    " So proficient was she with the sword, so strong, graceful and skilled, that some
      doubted she could in fact be a woman, and one night a heckler called out that she
      was a boy, some Cavalier or fencing master's protégé, and not a woman at
      all. Enraged at this, La Maupin cast down her foil and ripped open her shirt so that
      the audience could judge for themselves whose claim had the greater merit. It is
      said that the receipts that evening were particularly good. "
  @ He Was Grieving Over The Death Of His Best Friend, Until An Old Man Told Him
    THIS. Mind Blown. f(Megan Jean Buchard)

0813Sa
  * up 6:15ish; W=202.4, P=135/84, p=61; shower, laundry, dishes
  * Walgreens for Colleen's prescriptions, Costco for fish, paper towels, etc.
  @ Fun comment exchange with alatefeline including walks, cats, brain weasels, and star-nosed moles.
    Which turn out to be the world's fastest-eating mammal, with the most sensitive touch
    organ.  By a lot.  It can locate and consume a prey item in under 250ms.  A human
    driver's reaction time, red light to brake, is about 600ms; average human blink time
    is 100-400ms.

Comments

[alatefeline]

I'm so sorry it's been such a tough week. I'm glad Ticia is okay. I'm glad that you feel calm and that you had a good experience on the bus.

You and your spouse ABSOLUTELY have some good things figured out about relationships.Just meeting you two for the first time in person, I was struck by the warmth and fluency with which you two interact.

It sounds like you and your therapist may have had some good conversations, too. I do NOT want-to-ask or expect-to-hear about therapy, because that's pretty personal, but I am glad that your remarks in passing seem to indicate that things are going somewhat well, because finding good care can be dicey.

Thoughtful stuff about the boundaries thing available, if and only if you would like to read it.

I have come to the conclusion that the human species is MOSTLY bad at human + adult, and mostly hiding it with varying degrees of success. Which is not to say it doesn't vary; the variance is ENORMOUS; it's just that the differences in what is hard, easy, wise, unwise are so over the place I can't even begin to mentally determine a trend.

You can say "No" to me asking questions, say "No" to back and forth chatter with me, say, "I don't think that will work" to plans, say "I'm not up for talking right now" or just disappear, and if I say anything, it will be "Thank you for taking good care of yourself." I promise. I care about you being okay more than I care about talking to you, and I really do like talking to you.

*offers virtual hugs*

[mdlbear]

*hugs*

I always look forward to your comments. I don't recall you asking anything that feels too personal -- see above about boundaries.

I try not to put too much in here about therapy, but it's really hard to write about my life as a depressed person trying to learn about self-care, without having a little leak out around the edges.

[alatefeline]

*hugs*

That's fine. You can share whatever you want to share or not. If people didn't leak their personality all over the place, hardly anyone would ever get to know anyone else because everything would have to be planned.

I just meant that I didn't want to poke you with a stick. (If you ever want to talk, I'm available to PM if you like although I offer ZERO guarantees on timely response.) Because I have a tendency to go poke - poke - poke at interesting topics, and lift the lid on almost-boiling pots, and dangle my hand in front of cats, just to see what will happen; and I try NOT to apply that tendency to sensitive topics.

>> I always look forward to your comments. <<

Thanks muchly. I look forward to your comments and posts, too. :)

[amaebi.livejournal.com]

May the edge grow longer and stronger under your fingers, and come to support you.

[mdlbear]

Thank you.