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mdlbearI suppose the proper term for the state of the bear at this point is "widowed". It's all completely surreal. Colleen was away -- in hospitals and rehab -- for all but three weeks between the end of March and the middle of July. I sort of got used to the way the house feels without her. If I don't think about it everything seems the same, until it isn't. Until something reminds me.
Usually it's wanting to tell her something, or ask her something. She's the one who kept track of all our social connections. Without her I'm adrift, in uncharted waters. I'm sure there are dozens of people I haven't contacted. Maybe hundreds. Many who I don't even know exist. Colleen knows; I should ask... Oh, right.
Emotionally,... Note that the combination of dysthymia with alexithymia makes that a little complicated, and very uncertain. I tend to figure out emotions by backtracking from the environment and physical effects. I mean, I know that I'm grieving, but it's hard to be more specific. I do know that I made it through this morning by curling up with a stuffy (the rhino, Cyrano; I have Colleen's platypus, Platy, down in Seattle) and whimpering, so I guess that says something. No outright crying, though I expected it. The rest of the time I've just been a little more down than usual.
Right now I'm mostly keeping busy by trying to organize things like drugs that need discarding; medical supplies, Desitin and baby wipes that can be donated; and so on. Need to track down some paperwork, too. I'm currently splitting my time between Whidbey and Seattle, so figuring what will go where is another thing. Keeping busy is good -- I can just do the thing and mostly not think too much about why I need to.
I really appreciate your comments and other messages of support. I don't think I have the energy to respond to most of them right now, but please know that the fact that you're thinking of us makes a huge difference, somehow. I'll see everything posted here, and most direct messages and mentions on LinkedIn, Discord, and that face place.
Colleen's memorial will be on Zoom starting at 3pm PDT, August 3rd, two weeks from tomorrow. I'll post the meeting parameters closer to the day.
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Date: 2021-07-20 03:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-07-20 04:48 am (UTC)Thanks! Your support helps a lot. <3
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Date: 2021-07-20 07:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-07-20 01:04 pm (UTC)Virtual hugs are good. Thank you.
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Date: 2021-07-20 08:20 am (UTC)Call if we can help.
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Date: 2021-07-20 01:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-07-20 03:35 pm (UTC)-T&crew~
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Date: 2021-07-20 07:34 pm (UTC)Grief by inductive proof is good.
Date: 2021-07-21 12:44 am (UTC)I just wanted to affirm that for you, your emotional state is just exactly where it ought to be, given the circumstances.
Indeed, I found my own emotional state mirrored in yours, with the inductive approach you describe to determining how I am feeling. Awareness of our actions help us pin down the feeling we are in, especially when the feelings are so intense and all-encompassing it is hard to see the "shape" of the feeling from the inside of it. Keep moving, feeling, and observing. It is what there is to do now. <3
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Date: 2021-07-21 02:48 am (UTC)I am thinking of you and hoping you have people close at hand, people you can hug, which seems a lot better than those of us who can only type into textboxes on the internet. {virtual hugs}
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Date: 2021-07-21 06:41 am (UTC)(((virtual hug)) Thanks!
Fortunately N and her family have taken me in -- N promised Colleen that she'd take care of me. And I have S and V on Whidbey Island, where I'll be spending most weekends. The cats are also on Whidbey, at least until the end of August when I have a room to move into at N's. It's going to be weird.
Actually, everything is already weird.
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Date: 2021-07-21 04:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-07-22 08:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-07-23 07:00 am (UTC)I also know I spent most of the first week after he died barely able to process anything. And I still kind of freak out that I'll run into someone who should know, but doesn't. So you're not alone in that.
This does remind me that I should update my 'If anything happens to me, tell these people' file and make sure my housemate has a copy.
Oh, also let me know if you want the information on the site that makes art glass things with ashes in the glass. They have pendants and statues and paperweights and suncatchers for hanging in windows and other options.
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Date: 2021-07-23 12:38 pm (UTC)Thanks. The "people to tell" file sounds like a good idea. Wish we'd thought of it earlier.
Yes, please send the info about the art glass site. I wonder whether it's the same one that Neptune Society uses.
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Date: 2021-07-24 07:33 am (UTC)Do note that there is a pretty hefty shipping cost in sending the ashes to the artist because it needs to be sent certain ways with human remains. (once it's in the glass, it's not treated the same way.)
Each piece doesn't take that much of the ashes. And they do have bulk rates on some of the things, so if you wanted a bunch of people to all get a suncatcher or something, you could do that.
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Date: 2021-07-26 12:38 am (UTC)Thank you!! Those look lovely; I'll have to talk with the kids.
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Date: 2021-08-03 09:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-08-04 01:17 am (UTC)Damn -- I knew I'd forgotten something. The first part was recorded; I'll post that link when I get the file from Emmy.
sorry.