Done Since 2021-07-18
2021-07-25 01:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mdlbearYou know how sometimes things seem to be dragging along very slowly, and nothing is happening and you're not getting anything done, until you look up and notice that two weeks have gone by while you weren't looking? That.
Not that I was getting much of anything done before, but it still feels different in kind, if not in degree. Probably because it's the first time in years that I've had a valid excuse.
I don't think I mentioned it anywhere but last week's notes, but I've been spending most weekdays sleeping on an airbed in N's living room. The plan is to move into her back-yard studio apartment after its present occupant moves out in a couple of weeks. I've been gradually moving stuff down. I still expect to be spending most weekends up here at the North End for at least the next year and a half.
N gave me a workbook, How to Carry What Can't Be Fixed, by Megan Devine. The subtitle is "A Journal for Grief". There's a lot of wisdom in there; whether use it much is an open question. There's a list of possible "symptoms" on page 10 under the heading "What's 'Normal'?" that seems a lot more complete than most of what I've run across; it includes both "inability to cry" and "crying silently". I'm pretty sure I haven't seen those before in any list of "normal" symptoms; it's good to know that I'm not as weird as I thought I was, though I still attribute them to alexithymia.
Notes & links: 0718Su * cat water * litter boxen * orchids * up 5:05; S=5:55, BP=133/81 (high), P=84; exercises, shower & tried to close up the lift's case. Top doesn't seem to seat properly. :P @ How Well Do Men Do After a Spouse Dies? ~ 10 – 11am UUCWI Worship Service (Zoom link) https://uucwi.us11.list-manage.com/track/click?u=32b0b8380ecf511eb670b1ae8&id=5567799ec6&e=863203fcd6 @ Residential Dumpster Rental | Island Disposal * 15min: bag up all Colleen's prescription meds. Sort out from the OTC stuff. * Found the missing address book on her pine table underneath a sewing pattern : V called. Said she would come over Tuesday am and will help with donations " The only people who think there's a time limit for grief, have never lost a piece of their heart. Take all the time you need " (via this FB post from 2014) ...Which I already knew, but it's still good advice. Timeless, you might say. : turns out S is already doing litter boxen, twice a week. Increased autoship qty to 5 * 15min: clean out and re-pack med kit * pack meloxicam, * CPAP mask _with headgear_, * 1/2 teaspoon for neti salt, * kleenex * clean out and re-pack med kit @ The People Who Prioritize a Friendship Over Romance - The Atlantic ~ 4pm Mikado streaming on Lamplighters patreon * decide whether to go back down to RS Monday or Tuesday -> Tuesday % meloxicam 10:45 with pm drugs * Singing: Eyes Like the Morning. Did it without crying this time; don't know whether that says something good or bad about me. : E says that apple tree saplings would make a good housewarming gift. Or roses. -> Honeycrisp apple saplings and/or pink & purple rose seeds. If N really wants to get us something, she can help us start our memorial garden for mom & grandma. 0719Mo * up 5:05; S=5:21; went back to bed ~5:30; % couldn't sleep; curled up and whimpered for over an hour, most of it cuddling (rhino stuffy)Cyrano. up 7am * early: buy coffee - only one serving left -> Island Time Island Sunset French roast Useless Bay Smugglers Cove Dark. -> have to try Fidalgo next, it's a new one @ A quick guide to creating a convention website – Gary McGath @ Private spy software sold by NSO Group found on cellphones worldwide - Wash. Post Forensic Methodology Report: How to catch NSO Group’s Pegasus | Amnesty Int'l * box up pads, depends (using cat litter and paper towel boxes resp.) * set up banker's box for each kid / 4:45 call from Carole Parker; nice conversation; she'll be at OVFF ~ gather house paperwork for realtor Saturday -> stuff about the actual purchase may be missing, unless it's mixed in with the sale paperwork * pack * laptop charger for backpack, * anywhere mouse, * mini DP to HDMI adapter, * phone charging stand, * long USB-C cable, * (C's) toothbrush, * gloves for m, * nail clippers, * nail files, pen knife, ?leatherman, * purse hook (for headphones) * order mini DP to HDMI adapter to replace the one I'm taking down to RS -> mostly in the 2ga ziplok bag -> missing: basin wrench (garage? kitchen?), * laundry 0720Tu Apollo 11 landing * up 5:15; S=6:29, BP=135/77, P=66, W=201.6, p=3; exercises % back pain mostly left side -> heat * load drugs, pack CPAP, pack laundry @ Apollo 11 - Wikipedia Tranquility Base * V will come over in the morning -> She took all the still-packaged supplies, and a lot of the rest. (i.e. all except for the stuff I hadn't set found and set aside.) And the raised toilet seat (which was a freebie in the first place because I'd gotten the wrong size and $A did a refund without requiring it to be shipped back) * lunch on the way down. "Mongolian beef" at the teriyaki joint in Mukilteo -- actually neither particularly fast nor particularly Chinese. Maybe should have gotten teriyaki * Brought down the purple plastic drawers and 2 mic stands to hang things on. * cancel Colleen's dental insurance .--> easy; just a form on the website % 7:12 meloxicam with evening drugs % discovered mid-afternoon that I'd left my bag of snacks up at the North End % also, took one of the old-style CPAP hoses instead of a newer, heated one doesn't really matter except that the new ones are easier to dis/connect 0721We * up 7ish; S=6:17, p=3.7; -> heat for back / (Neptune Society)Brent called; ordered 10 death certs, discussed urn expect call sometime next week % good talk with N about grieving and life without Colleen. * 15min: update OSCAR_data from SD card. * 15min: contacts: update E's address (tentative), Colleen's and Mom's entries * 15min: remove, pack CPAP humidifier, which isn't going to be needed at RS; unpack underwear and shirts into top and middle drawers of the purple dresser. Non-clothes item in the bottom drawer. @ Newly Widowed Checklist | The Liz Logelin Foundation https://soaringspirits.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/SSI-Some-Things-to-Consider-040221.pdf " 10) Make a complete list of your spouse’s credit cards, debit cards, phone cards (checking their wallet is a good place to start), business expense accounts, and any other open account they may have. Each of these institutions needs to be notified of your spouse’s death, and many will require a copy of the death certificate to validate your request to close the account. Also ask each company whether there is any applicable insurance that pays off the account in the event of a cardholder’s death. Check auto loans, credit cards, and mortgages for this type of insurance " * N did some work on my hip, which indicated that the problem is likely to be Piriformis syndrome -> the first 2 exercises (plus the twisty ones) I do are piriformis stretches @ The Healing Center in Seattle Grief Resources has support groups. % meloxicam with evening drugs ~7pm % 9ish fell asleep in chair - should go to bed & move meds and neti pot to back bathroom because sink better for neti. med kit may actually want to move back; not clear. We'll see how it goes tomorrow % lots of trouble getting to sleep. CPAP seems *louder* than normal, but I can't figure out what could be different about the mask. I had to untwist it, though. But I've had it apart twice, and it only goes together one way. Weird. But not as sleepy as I was two hours ago. So... 0722Th * up 6ish; S=5:50, p=3.5; exercises, heat % CPAP claims mask fit of 100%, so damned if I know. * create stub documents for $writing-gig-2 and $writing-gig-3 * 1:50ish leave for dentist - 23 minutes via I5 N to 405 S * 2:40 dentist cleaning -> one cavity 0809Mo ~ notify social security -> technical difficulties @ some very important info re: paid accounts~ on Tumblr. It's a trap! (minoanmiss) @ The FTC Votes Unanimously to Enforce Right to Repair 0723Fr & awake 3:30ish; lay in bed whimpering until 4:45 or so. pain mostly on left -> heat -> never got back to bed; dozed a little in the chair. * up 4:45ish; S=5:33; * have `make save` check date unless SAVE_MAY_IGNORE_DATE is set * call SSA 800-772-1213 Monday - Friday from 7 a.m. – 7 p.m. in your time zone, -> local office will call Mon Sept 13 2:30pm -> they notify Premera Blue Cross and Express Scripts @ Getting Started | The Healing Center " feel free to call us at 206-523-1206 or email hello@healingcenterseattle.org if you have any questions or concerns. " * Singing, with N: Rambling Silver Rose, Weird Load, Get Up and Go, The Fox, Bells of Norwich (which would make a good closer for the memorial) @ How to Carry What Can't Be Fixed – Megan Devine gift from N - guided journaling % meloxicam 9ish with pm drugs * good night for a bath (m and j won't be using the bathroom late) -> ok, last time I'm going to try that, at least not without a grab-bar or two and maybe a bathmat on the floor (though a towel worked okay). Ouch! :P @ Pocket 0724Sa & awake 3:45; p=4, both hips; back to bed 5:15 * a little work on $writing-gig-2 * up 5:45; S=6:14, p=4; -> heat * pack: * drugs, * CPAP, glasses, laptop * -8am- _7:30ish_ go up to Whidbey with N @ Pad Thai With Shrimp - The Washington Post (via Pocket) @ Apollo Neuroscience Getting started – Apollo Neuroscience * 1:30 (realtor)Suzanne -> mostly stuff we knew. Yard, driveway plus gravel walks, paint, laminate flooring in the bedrooms, okay to leave shelves in the entryway and back bathroom. -> best time to sell is March-April, so maybe 2023 (with last RainbowCon in 2022) * collect C's insurance, etc. cards. Apparently I don't have her (which?)password. -> probably Union Bank. Try common ones or look in notebooks * pack _correct_ (heated) CPAP tube, mask. Because easier to attach/detach. % 6:40 drifty; sleepy. It would be staring into space, except that my eyes are closed % 10:20 meloxicam
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Date: 2021-07-27 12:27 am (UTC)Hang in there.
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Date: 2021-07-27 03:34 am (UTC)I'm not worried about how I'm grieving -- I've had practice. I do occasionally worry whether the way my emotions work (or don't work) in general has any relation to how they work for other people.