Thankful

I don't always do one of these, but today there's a lot to be thankful for:

• I have my family, pulling together in a time of crisis. Most especially I have Colleen, with me for over a third of a century, and two children who are growing up into beautiful young women.
• I have, oddly, a son-in-law who loves my older daughter, and who gets along with the rest of the family.
• My Mom is still alive, happily running the library at her retirement home a month shy of her 88th birthday.
• I'm gainfully and happily employed, for a company that gives a damn about society and the environment.
• I have music, and Tres Gique looks as though it's going to work as an almost-real band.
• I have my heart back. Whether from a hormonal shift, a higher dose of Vitamin D, or good deep conversation when I needed it, I do.
• I've had a year on the River; a year of extraordinary personal discovery, deep conversation, friendship, love, profound writing, long walks, and a series of experiences that, while sometimes painful, I have taught me more than words can easily express.
• I have my friends, online and offline. Filkdom, fandom, and random, I love you all. Thank you.
• I have love: people I love and people who love me.
• ... and I am profoundly, inexpressibly thankful that Colleen's health troubles started before we drove down to LOSCON, so that she could be cared for close to her home, family, and friends.

Well, here we are at Loscon.

There are only two functioning elevators. It's going to be a disaster. I'm rather glad Colleen's not here -- we're already looking at 20-minute waits; it'll be an hour or two in line by tomorrow.

At least my room number, 640, is easy to remember. And I can handle 5 floors worth of walking as long as my knees hold out.

River: What can I do for you?

"What can I do for you?" -- I used to ask Colleen that question rather often. She told me recently that it drove her crazy. She felt that she was being put on the spot; that I was fishing for some specific response. Really, all I wanted was to be helpful. But when I thought about it, I realized that I wouldn't like it either. Nobody wants to feel helpless or incompetent, even if they do have problems getting around. Maybe, especially if they have problems.

N. told me of a similar problem: she didn't want her lover wasting time and energy doing practical things for her, when what she really wanted wwas affectionate attention. Time together. Sometimes we loners have trouble remembering that our lovers would rather have us with them doing nothing, not off doing something for them somewhere else. It makes sense, when you phrase it that way.

I rarely ask Colleen what I can do for her anymore. I confine my practical questions to things like "Is there anything I can bring you as long as I'm up?", or "Would you like a cup of coffee?" as I'm pouring one for myself. Something that clearly would take little or no extra effort on my part, and would bring me close enough for a quick kiss or a hug after I've set down whatever she asked for. She shouldn't have to ask for those.

If I think the dishes need doing, I can do them while she's asleep.