River: What can I do for you?

[mdlbear]

"What can I do for you?" -- I used to ask Colleen that question rather often. She told me recently that it drove her crazy. She felt that she was being put on the spot; that I was fishing for some specific response. Really, all I wanted was to be helpful. But when I thought about it, I realized that I wouldn't like it either. Nobody wants to feel helpless or incompetent, even if they do have problems getting around. Maybe, especially if they have problems.

N. told me of a similar problem: she didn't want her lover wasting time and energy doing practical things for her, when what she really wanted wwas affectionate attention. Time together. Sometimes we loners have trouble remembering that our lovers would rather have us with them doing nothing, not off doing something for them somewhere else. It makes sense, when you phrase it that way.

I rarely ask Colleen what I can do for her anymore. I confine my practical questions to things like "Is there anything I can bring you as long as I'm up?", or "Would you like a cup of coffee?" as I'm pouring one for myself. Something that clearly would take little or no extra effort on my part, and would bring me close enough for a quick kiss or a hug after I've set down whatever she asked for. She shouldn't have to ask for those.

If I think the dishes need doing, I can do them while she's asleep.