Done last week (20160807Su - 13Sa)

Not a bad week, but not very productive, either. Tuesday was a write-off, and Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday weren't much better. I've been making myself sick with worry about Ticia for some time now, because the way her abdomen looks reminded me too much of the way Curio looked when he was dying of FIP. Well, after missing Ticia's appointment on Tuesday due to traffic, I finally got her seen on Thursday -- nothing to worry about: what's distending her tummy turns out to be simply fat. So relieved.

I actually got some work done on Friday. I also had some good experiences on the bus, in both directions. Good conversation on the way home, and I got some nice smiles from people I helped with the fold-up seats in the handicapped section. Apparently not being consumed by worry makes me more easygoing in social situations. Who knew?

(Most people apparently know things like that. It's not a direction my mind usually goes. I am gradually developing more self-awareness in that direction, but it takes work -- it's not one of the things I'm good at.)

I have been learning about self-compassion, at my therapist's suggestion and following some timely links from ysabetwordsmith. Apparently it's better for one than self-esteem, which is a good thing, because I don't have a whole lot of that. Nor self-confidence. Self-compassion doesn't really help at all with that, but it makes it easier to live with.

My therapist also spoke to me Tuesday about setting boundaries. That's another thing I seem to be bad at. It gets complicated, though, because telling people "no" feels too much like being unkind and antisocial, and both of those are things I have to actively work at not being. I have my best experiences in social situations when I'm being more open (see above) rather than hiding behind a wall. Or a book, phone, or computer, which are even more effective things to hide behind. How the heck do ordinary humans balance those things, anyway?

(I'm not all that great at human, either. Let alone adult. (Both "human" and "adult" are being used as verbs there. Deal. (Why, yes; I've been coding in Lisp since 1970. Why do you ask?))) Oddly enough, this doesn't prevent me from answering questions about relationships on Quora. Them as can't do, teach? In my more self-confident moments, I try to remind myself that somebody who's been contentedly married for forty-odd years to the same woman may actually have learned a few things here and there.

*sigh* It really all comes down to self-confidence, doesn't it? I'm not even confident about my programming ability anymore -- too many recent bad estimates and missed targets. I'm hanging on by my fingernails.

( Notes & links, as usual )