What is friendship?

[mdlbear]

One of these days there's going to be a Defining My Terms post on friendship. This isn't it -- right now I'm still in the early phases of gathering data.

But here is A Thought On The Nature Of Friendship by theferret just to get that data-gathering process out in the open. Note that I don't really agree with it. He says, "I think that, by and large, there are two types of close friends: Those who are committed to being a net bonus in your life, and those who want you to be where they're comfortable."

That's his definition of "close friendship". Or two. I've seen others recently, even more widely separated, ranging between "someone I can tell anything to" to "someone who calls me up every day to see if they can help". In my mind, the term covers such a broad range that it seems to be as much a barrier as a bridge to understanding. Like limits, it's probably something you have to negotiate up front once a relationship gets to a certain point. I've seen all sorts of havoc caused by people working from different definitions of "friendship" and "closeness". Caused some of it, too.

Something I haven't seen in anyone else's definition so far, but that's definitely part of mine and Colleen's, is the sense that the friendship itself is important to both parties. That it's something worth almost any amount of struggle, and compromise if necessary, to preserve. Worth fighting for. We work out our problems and our differences, sometimes too loudly and sometimes too long, because we're friends -- perhaps by totally different definitions -- and intend to stay that way.

Comments

[tibicina.livejournal.com]

I think friendships, like romantic relationship, are each individual things which do not necessarily fall well into very specific sets of rules (though some general rules are good). I've seen good friendships and abusive friendships and friendships which started out good and somewhere along the line became entirely disfunctional. And while I am pretty much one of the last people in the world willing to give up on a friendship for myself, I do think that there is a point where you just have to say 'this isn't working' and either give up the friendship entirely or back it off to a much lower level of contact and expectation. I also think that, again, as with romantic relationships, everyone has different 'deal-breakers' for friendship or various levels of friendship. It's good to know what those are.

I also think it's important to know your friends. There are friends whom I love dearly but whom I don't trust. Or whom is trust in terms of telling me the truth, but not in terms of keeping my secrets. Or whom I trust about subject A, but not subject B. Or or or.

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

That last is very true, though my usual example is that there are people I would trust with my life, but not with my cash...

[mdlbear]

I'm inclined to agree. It may be one of those words it's generally better off not defining; just taking cases as they come up. I think "love" falls into that category, too.

[angharads-house.livejournal.com]

Mmm, close friends, hey?

Well, I don't have many, and understand that it's because I choose to keep myself hidden behind the veil much of the time.

In the end, I'd guess that my sense of close friendship would be along the lines of:

"someone whose well-being you consider to be important, and with whom you understand that such a feeling is mutual."

Under those terms, 'close friend' could conceivably include people that you had never met, but with whom you maintained consistent and mutual contact.

Apologies for lack of fluency today; my head is definitely elsewhere/elsewho at the moment. ^_^

[jilara.livejournal.com]

I've always liked the saying "A friend is someone who knows who you are, but loves you anyway."

Friendship is an interesting thing. I have a lot of social acquaintances, whom I consider in a different class from friends. And friends aren't necessarily the easy relationships. A lot of friendships require sweat equity, but it's worth it.

BTW, you and Colleen are definitely friends, but I find it hard to define exactly why you are. Maybe that's part of it---friendship just IS. Sort of like candy in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory:" "Candy doesn't need a reason. That's why it's candy." I regard friendships the same way.

[mdlbear]

Like pornography -- I can't define it, but I know it when I see it. Yeah.

[filkferengi]

Old dwarven proverb: Friendship is the strong foundation of passion.

[mdlbear]

Yup. Worked for us, anyway -- 32 years this past January.

Being friends first is my standard advice for young people considering marriage.