On grieving

[mdlbear]

Every grief is different, and everyone processes it differently, but the broad outlines of the grieving process are fairly consistent. It doesn't matter whether you're mourning a parent, a dear relative, a child, a friend, a pet, a home, a relationship, a project at work, or something even more abstract: a possibility, a missed opportunity, or your youthful sense of invulnerability. After a certain age, losses become inevitable. It takes not only time but work to get past a loss.

Remember that the objective is acceptance. Not forgetting your loss. Acceptance. In some ways, it's even harder than forgetting.

Acceptance means coming to terms with your loss: making it part of your experience, and putting it in its proper place in your memories. This may involve analyzing what happened so that you can learn from it, in hopes of not making the same mistake a second time. It may involve writing a poem or song, or a letter you will never send. It may involve a very selective kind of forgetting.

It means putting your loss among your treasured memories, carefully, so that you're not thinking of it day by day or letting it get between you and your life, or between you and other people. You'll always remember. There will always be reminders: a chance bit of overheard conversation, a long-out-of-touch friend, a scrap of memory, a color, a flower, a name. You have to make it safe to remember. You must learn to remember the person, not the pain; the lesson, not the loneliness, the good times, not the grieving. You have to get past your loss: make a part of your past, a landmark on your journey.

When most people tell you to "get over it", they mean for you to step over it the way you would step over a mud puddle or a fallen branch: forget it, and move on. (If your friends see you wallowing in the mud, or weeping for months beside a fallen tree-trunk, they can be forgiven for telling you this.) No. Build a bridge of smooth stones across that little stream, and put a pebble in your pocket to remember it by. Take a chainsaw to that tree-trunk, and carve your name on the fresh-cut surface.

It's a healing process; wounds take time to heal. Don't rush the process, or let well-meaning friends rush you, but don't hold back, either. Do the work.

Make an entry in your journal, and tag it so you can find it again. Mark its anniversary, if it's sufficiently important. Write a song, and practice it to the point where you can sing it in public without choking up. Not a miserable song that says how sorry you are for yourself. (OK, write one of those, too; it's part of the process. Burn the manuscript as soon as you can see how awful it is.) Perhaps wistful, perhaps angry, perhaps ironic and funny. Preferably hopeful and maybe even happy. Tell the world you're OK now.

Get to the point where you mean it, when you say that. You will.

Comments

[kyburg.livejournal.com]

Seconded.

[mdlbear]

Thanks. Been on my mind lately, and it looked like there were some folks on my flist who could use it.

[technoshaman.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't burn the weepy ose.... just lock it private and tag it so you remember how it is... and don't hit that tag very often. Part of getting past the event is having a hazy memory of what that felt like as an incentive not to make it any sharper. And sometimes as we get older we need reminders....

Take a chainsaw to that tree-trunk, and carve your name on the fresh-cut surface.

I found our names carved in the bark of the old sycamore tree;
Who do you think put them there, your initials wrapped around mine?
There was a time I thought you had the strangest hold over me,
But now I’m miles away from there, and I’m still doing just fine...

-- Seanan

I finally grok that song, between you and what happened this weekend, about which I will post elsejournal....

[mdlbear]

*nod*

I don't actually burn my manuscripts, and in any case they'd still be in the CVS tree.

[thnidu.livejournal.com]

saved as a memory

[mdlbear]

Always makes me happy when someone finds one of my posts worth remembering. Thanks.

[min0taur.livejournal.com]

Deep wisdom and a resolute, humane insight in your posting. You speak the needed truth. This one will be saved as a memory for me too.

[mdlbear]

Thanks.

Remembering

[texxgadget]

The sudden subject change had me wondering for a moment.
Double checking the tag placed your post in context.

Oscar Wilde once observed that worse than being talked about is
"not being talked about". He was referring to something else, completely different, but the same words have applicable meaning here.

As long as one is remembered, one is not completely gone.

How best to keep someone remembered? Talk about them !

Re: Remembering

[mdlbear]

I was thinking of the theraputic aspects of it, but that's in there too.

Post

[markiv1111.livejournal.com]

That was beautiful and it will help me.

Nate

Re: Post

[mdlbear]

Thanks! As I've said elsewhere, it always makes me happy when I can help someone.