River: Loving a loner 2: Hobbies

[mdlbear]

Everybody needs a hobby, but it's especially important when you're living with a loner. Let's face it: your loner's going to want to be alone a lot of the time. You need something to fill in the time and, above all, keep your mind occupied with something other than how much you want to be with somebody who's off in a private world of their own right now. (Don't worry: your loner almost certainly has one. That's the problem, isn't it?)

You need something so engrossing, so engaging, so enjoyable, so addictive, that when your loner calls for you to come to bed you have to think a moment and then say "wait til I finish this last little bit".

Ideally you should have two, maybe three. You should have one hobby that you can persue quietly, by yourself, but in the same room as your loner, and that lets you pay a little bit of attention just in case they feel like starting one of their rare conversations. If your loner is a performer, something you can take to a concert. Knitting, crocheting, beading, and needlework are popular choices. And of course there's always reading and writing, if you can multitask or at least fake multitasking and don't mind missing a few things.

The other thing you need, for your own sanity as well as your partner's, is something that you cannot do in the same space. Woodworking, sewing, ceramics, maybe music (bagpipes, for example). I'm pretty sure this is why Mom took up ceramics and gardening. Ceramics is a great choice: clay is sensual, easy on the hands, and it affords a good mix of complexity and the mindless but highly satisfying activity of "wedging" -- flinging a lump of clay repeatedly against a flat surface to work out the potentially-explosive air bubbles and your equally explosive latent frustration at the same time. Breadmaking is almost as good. Woodworking lets you play with sharp blades and noisy, potentially deadly power tools.

Colleen's choice for this one is watching old movies -- whenever she thinks I ought to be spending some time by myself practicing or writing, or when my grumbling or moodiness get on her nerves, she has only to put on one of her favorite movies that I've seen a dozen times already, and I'm gone. And they comfort her -- that's important, too.

The third possibility for a hobby is something you can do either apart or together. Music, for example. This gets a little tricky -- one of you will generally be better than the other. And there are going to be times when you'll want to be making music together, while your loner would rather be playing a solo. Music by all means -- I expect that a majority of my readers are filkers, after all -- but it shouldn't be your only spare-time occupation.

Good luck!

Comments

[kyrielle]

There's also something you can do in the same space or apart, together or apart. For Scott, it's computer games. If I'm in the mood, he plays World of Warcraft with me. If I'm not, he plays it by himself or plays one or another of his games by himself. He doesn't seem to feel the need to get away from me, but if he did, maybe half or more of his games are on his laptop and can be carried away. (He actually spends several nights a week gaming away from home, but those are tabletop games and on a set schedule.) That one's highly flexible, but it wouldn't travel well to a concert if I performed, I must admit. ;) Of course, I don't.

Most of the "can do in same space" will also travel neatly to other spaces if needed, but not always - not if they involve stuff that's hard to move for some reason, mostly.

[mdlbear]

*nod* Colleen and I both spend a lot of our time on our respective computers, though neither of us is into multiplayer games.

[filkferengi]

We share one computer, but take turns. During wrestling, I'm glad of an excuse to be in another room & get caught up on LJ. On the weekends, when he's on the computer more, I'm clearing Tivo or reading. Similar process, but different details.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

And then there are cases of two loners forming a couple... which can get very strange...

[mdlbear]

So I've heard.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

The older I get, the less of a loner I seem to be...

[mdlbear]

Same here. It's rather weird; I seem to have gone through a lot of radical mental changes in the last year.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Mine were a bit more gradual, but they definitely coincide with the process of becoming a Crone.