River: Verts[2] Energy balance and feedback

[mdlbear]

Things are actually a little more complicated than I thought when I wrote Verts a couple of days ago. Or maybe simpler, but in any case different from what I thought at the time.

It seems that I almost always gain energy when I'm giving it, and getting a positive response. It's an obvious feedback loop. In technical and geekish conversations I'm usually dispensing advice, or at least information. Similarly, casual social contact, saying "hello" to a stranger, usually results in a little positive feedback. This explains why...

When I'm hurting, I don't mind being around people I don't know very well: they make me feel a little less alone, and I don't really have to interact with them. I might even get little positive strokes if I make the comparatively minor effort of saying hello.

But, paradoxically, if someone is trying to give me energy -- to take care of me or comfort me -- the feedback goes the other way, and I end up worse off than before. And the worse off I am, the more the interaction tends to drain me. It makes a weird kind of sense; being reminded that I'm feeling miserable generally makes me more miserable. Asking for help, asking for anything, drains me as well.

I'm getting better. Hugs can be comforting now instead of painful, possibly because they're mutual. In effect, I'm helping someone who's distressed to see me distressed. An odd kind of mental aikido, but it seems to help. Similarly I'm getting better at turning an argument (negative feedback) into a discussion (positive feedback) aimed at understanding.

Experience, I guess. As Ben said, "... a dear school, but fools will learn in no other, and scarce in that."