Two sets of questions

[mdlbear]

Two sets of questions for you, inspired by my post on social answers and calibration. The first set doesn't have "right answers", it's just a kind of survey.

1. Do you consider a "social answer" a form of dishonesty (i.e., a lie), or a convenient shorthand based on a social convention that certain socially-incompetent geeks like me never learned to understand?
2. Do you give "social answers" yourself?
3. If so, is there usually a subtext, and do you expect the listener to understand it?

I'll give mine: 1: shorthand; 2: only rarely except with strangers; 3: not a conscious one/no.

The second set is stuff I don't have a clue about. I'm asking because I very much want -- and need -- to learn how to get better at interacting with people.

1. Is it usually safe to ignore the subtext, or is it usually something very important that will cause problems if I miss it?
2. Is it socially acceptable to probe for further details?
3. If that's situational, is there any way to tell when it's acceptable?
4. Can a 61-year-old geek learn this arcane skill, and if so, how?

I don't have answers for those, obviously.

Comments

[joecoustic.livejournal.com]

First set:
1 - shorthand, but I think a lot more people have problems with it than you might think.

2 - Yes I do.

3 - Sometimes there is and yes sometimes I do expect understanding but I'm pretty good, and getting even better, at breaking it down to the other person myself when I'm irritated. In other words I realize that some of the problem is on each side.

Second set:

1 - Sadly I can only give you the answer "it depends". I don't think by definition ignoring subtext is wrong or bad. I think sometimes people use it when they don't want to deal. So based on particular person and particular issue it might make sense to have either code words or at least a discussion that this is an issue.

2 - Arrrgghhh. Again, it depends on person and issue with that particular person. This is really unfair isn't it.

3 - Sort of. I've made mistakes many, many times in my life. I've learned that not only is everybody different, but many of them think they act in ways that are universal. I kind of try to aim for what I've learned often works but am ready to back track and figure out what went wrong. I think, if you aren't good at picking up on these ques that something has gone very wrong, a discussion on the possibility of not noticing but willingness to adapt would be helpful. I'm assuming we're talking friends here, since this discussion would add it's own awkwardness to strangers :).

4 - I think you can but I'd take it slowly. At first deal with compromises, discussion and memory (remembering "this happened last time we talked about this").

I really think that most people don't have intuitive conversation and interactions down as pat as they claim. To make my point, I have often been accused of expecting too much when I want people to understand subtext so my theory is that most of us have one issue or the other (or some other, or both!) and we can all work at communicating better. So take it slowly and most people will appreciate the effort.

[mdlbear]

2. No, it isn't.

3. I'm slowly getting better at noticing that a discussion has gone off the rails, and sometimes even figuring out why. Usually a day or two later, unfortunately...