see mood

[mdlbear]

OK, I'm officially depressed. No damned reason for it; I just hit some kind of a wall. Didn't really feel like a walk, and didn't have time in any case. Didn't call anyone, though I could have while Colleen was in her radiology appointment. Hugs don't seem to help. Neither did a trip to Fry's -- I was snappish and grumpy even though I mostly found what I came for.

I'm feeling lazy and lumpish -- spent an hour or so this evening just staring into space, with too little energy to try to figure out why my laptop keeps losing its net connection. I just ate -- dinner was delicious, and I didn't have to cook it -- and I'm walking flat-footed as if my blood sugar was through the floor. It isn't, but I'm not sure what is.

There are only two weekends between here and Conflikt. I'm not really ready, not even for a little half-hour set. My voice is still a wreck; I've been fighting a cold or something for the last month. Probably an allergy, though I can't guess to what.

There's too much to do, and I can't even get started. I remember that I was happy for a week or two, but that was months ago. This is worse than usual. Probably I'll get over it; I usually do.

09:50pm: Colleen is of the opinion that it's the gluten in the won-ton soup I had for lunch. Maybe.

Comments

speaking as someone who's been there

[carmiel.livejournal.com]

When do you see the head-shrinker again? Zir needs to seriously consider you for an anti-depressant. I recognise those symptoms; I got them when I needed help after my sister died and my whole family was a mess. Zoloft was a godsend. (I was a wreck but had to keep it together to help my parents and I wasn't up to the challenge.) The challenge of Colleen's health situation may be just that much too much for you.
I don't want you to think I'm being mean, please, I'm only posting this because I *was there* and remember what it was like.

Re: speaking as someone who's been there

[mdlbear]

Tuesday morning.

No, I believe you. This is the first time in a while -- maybe ever -- when I've seriously considered risking antidepressants. From everything I've heard they're either a godsend or a nightmare. With my luck, the latter, but even that might be an improvement at this point.

Even I can tell that I'm in serious trouble right now.

Re: speaking as someone who's been there

[kshandra]

I trust that you already know this intellectually, but hopefully some reinforcement will help it register with the emotions: If the first pill doesn't work, please, for love of fish, don't give up. It took us several attempts before finding the right combination of medications, formulations*, and dosages to make me functional again.

And as far as having "no damned reason for it," I respectfully, but emphatically, disagree. Your wife is critically, chronically ill. Your eldest daughter is within weeks of moving away from home for the first time. You're in a volatile industry (admittedly, in one of the more stable niches, but still) in a highly volatile financial era. Any two of those would be plenty of reason.

And I hope you'll continue the talk therapy portion, as well. Even if the meds work, it can make all the difference in the world to have a truly neutral party for a sounding board. Of course, still keep talking to your friends, and to Colleen - but our viewpoints are colored by our various and sundry histories with you and yours.

* Wellbutrin SR (the extended-release formula) works wonderfully for me; standard bupropion was of no use. I've never tried the XL (once-daily) formulation.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

What everybody else has said. Please do consider at least short-term use of antidepressants (and keep in mind what's been said about trying various medications to find out which one works best for you). But don't give up on the psychological aspects as well - the way I understand it, the drugs make it possible for the psychologist's techniques to get through to you.

And if hugs don't work, that's another good indicator that you may need medication. See, hugging normally causes your body to release its own soothing neurotransmitters... so if hugs don't make you feel better, your neurotransmitters are depleted.

May I call you Saturday evening?

If you're still up....

[hvideo.livejournal.com]

It isn't a "day without walking" until midnight. I could drive over and we could walk somewhere together.

Have you tried anti-histamines for your (suspected) allergy? Even if that wouldn't tell you WHAT you were allergic too, knowing that it actually IS an allergy would help narrow things down (or, if it ISN'T an allergy, again things have been narrowed down.)

With "too much to do", sometimes it helps to avoid looking at the total pile and just grab any of the smallest jobs. Once something has actually been finished, it sometimes seems to break the ice and makes it easier to begin the next task.

[artbeco.livejournal.com]

I can't honestly speak to the anti-depressants and whatnot, but you've certainly got enough on your plate lately; depression sounds like a perfectly normal and reasonable reaction. Not that you want to stay there, but like everyone above has said, seeking some help sounds like a good plan.
You're not alone.
*massive hugs*

[randwolf.livejournal.com]

See a doctor, that sounds like it might be other-than-neurological illness. If you've got a "cold" you can't shake, look into the possibility that it might be a bacterial infection.

[mdlbear]

As I said, this is the first time I've seriously considered medication -- or any other kind of therapy, for that matter. So, yes.

Yes, please do. I don't have anything planned.

Re: If you're still up....

[mdlbear]

Claritin seems to work a little; haven't tried anything stronger but it might be worthwhile experimenting on a day when I don't have to get up at any particular time.

Re: speaking as someone who's been there

[mdlbear]

I can't very well continue the talk therapy until after I've started it, but that's the plan. Even if drugs help the depression, I have enough other things going on that I need some pretty intensive (re)training.

In both cases the need to search, perhaps for years, for the right drug/person is frustrating.

Re: If you're still up....

[mdlbear]

Thanks for the offer; Colleen and I went to bed early (at her insistence) -- it helped.

[mdlbear]

((Hugs))

[mdlbear]

The congestion is definitely not neurological; more likely an allergy than an infection.

[rowanf.livejournal.com]

What people have said. It astonished me the first time I took antidepressants and went from "the world is grey" to two weeks later when I woke up and went "hey I'm me again". If they work it is awesome. And situational depression doesn't sound at all out of line atm for you.

Anyway, comforting hugs and energy toward the best outcome all around.

[mdlbear]

Thanks.

Something

[capplor.livejournal.com]

I learned from experience, that seems to surprise most folk. In my case, I'm most likely to fall apart IMMEDIATELY AFTER a period of great or sustained stress. There's a survival mode that kicks in as "I can't waste time falling apart NOW" and when things start to feel under control, that's when depression or a physical illness happen. (Remember that Tammy was born 4 days AFTER my Fred's mother & niece died). It sounds like you've mostly worked the details of coping with Colleen's situation -- for me, this would be exactly the right time to shatter.

-- R

Re: Something

[mdlbear]

From what I've heard, and experienced, that's fairly common.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Expect your phone to ring in a minute or two, then ;-)