mdlbear: (river)

When I started -- more than a month ago -- to write a post about my spiritual beliefs and practices, I suddenly noticed that I was actually writing a chronological memoir. I changed course and prepended a fairly crisp summary of what I believe, then posted it separately. This is the remaining memoir. I tried several different verbs in the title, including staggering and stumbling, but, well, Yeats. There was never much uncertainty about the "destination" -- the concept of "awareness" comes from Reformed Druidism (which I'll get to in a few paragraphs). It is more ambiguous and has fewer connotations than "enlightenment" or "revelation". But in any case I don't claim to have arrived at it. I'm still journeying.

It's mostly about stories.

I'm not particularly happy about how this has turned out -- it's long, but leaves a lot out (meaning it may be too short), and it's somewhat disorganized. But I started it last month and haven't worked on it in the past week, so it's what it is.)

Cut for length. Content warning: death (body count: four), and a little religion. )

mdlbear: A Bombay cat looking over her right shoulder at the camera. (desti-2)

A black cat with golden eyes, sitting on a    laptop's keyboard and looking over her right shoulder directly at the    camera.

She was our household's incarnation of Bast -- regal, with golden eyes and the dense black fur of a panther -- the epitome of a Bombay cat. We got her on the same shelter trip as Curio. Her name in the shelter was Desdemona, but we shortened that to Desdi, which quickly became Desti. We decided after that that Desti was short for Destra.

She was gentle, cuddly, playful (at least in her younger years), outgoing, and affectionate. She would sit in anyone's lap, and lick any hand that she found in front of her. She had a very quiet purr, and an expressive meow. Like most cats, she liked to be in boxes; unlike most she had a habit of nibbling on the edges. I don't think she ever ate any of the cardboard she bit off; she just dropped it over the edge.

When we lived in Seattle at Rainbow's End, she would jump up to the railing at the top of the stairs, totally unfazed by the 12-foot drop to the floor below. Scared me, but that didn't faze her either. She loved high places.

Bombay cats bond with a family. She was mostly N's cat at first, but after Curio died she came to my bed and slept in the exact same place where my Pretty Boy used to sleep. She stayed with G when he had a separate apartment, then lived with me and Colleen and Ticia on Whidbey Island. After Colleen died, she and Ticia moved with me to Seattle, where they often slept with me on opposite sides of the bed. During the day she would often be found lying on the back of Colleen's recliner, or sharing Colleen's lap with Ticia.

We all thought of her as mostly G's cat, though, because of the enthusiastic way she'd greet him, standing on her hind legs and putting her front paws on his chest. But in the end, weak from kidney failure, dehydration, and cancer, when all of her people but m were nine time-zones away on a video call, it was my voice she recognized, pricking her ears at the phone while I said good bye. I told her that she was my darling little girl and that everything was going to be all right, and that Colleen and Curio were waiting for her, and that she'd be meeting Ame and Bast. But G pointed out that she'd seen Bast before -- she's on her fifth life now (according to Cricket).

Racing up the Rainbow Bridge, no longer old and fat and tired, she leaps up onto the railing as she used to do in the house we called Rainbow's End. She was always a bit of a show-off, and loves high places.

Halfway up the bridge she is met by a grey tabby and a sleek black cat wearing a beaded collar of gold and lapis lazuli. Curio, the tabby, leads the small clowder to where Colleen sits watching the vikings fighting on the field in front of Valhalla. Bast briefly re-manifests as a woman with the head of a cat, to ask whether she should go fetch Amethyst. Colleen replies that Ame will find them later -- she prefers twilight. Curio and Desti settle comfortably into her lap.

Bast waves cheerfully, reverts to feline form, and bounds off in the general direction of the catnip patch where Freya's chariot-cats hang out.

I brought her ashes home this afternoon.

mdlbear: (rose)

Today is my daughter Amethyst's thirty-third birthday. (I'm not sure why I decided to use present tense this time instead of past conditional; it just seems right. Maybe it's connected in some weird way to the fact that I'm also (still) working on Desti's memorial page and post. Grief has its own agenda, I suppose; I'm not going to try to second-guess it.)

Where was I? In a fantasy, presumably.

I'm picturing Ame and Colleen each with a cat in their lap, sipping gin-and-tonic as they sit on the grass and watch the Viking warriors on the field between the Rainbow Bridge and Valhalla. It's a lot like the SCA. Curio would be in Colleen's lap, as usual, and Desti in Amethyst's. They're both purring contentedly. Bast is probably over at the other end of the field rolling in catnip with Freya's chariot-cats.

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