The Mandelbear's Musings

Over the last month or so I've realized that most of what I thought I knew about myself is simply wrong. That's unsettling. The most recent epiphany, as of yesterday, was realizing that much of my behavior is explained as avoidance of conflict rather than embarrassment.

(This seems to explain a lot: some of my hatred of sports, lack of competitiveness, inability to ask for things where I might have to argue for them, inability to talk with Colleen about finances and some other matters, excessive apologizing,... More on this later, perhaps.)

I've also realized that I still have no idea what most of my real problems are. I know that they're mostly a set of habits I've developed to avoid things I find painful: conflict, embarrassment, thinking about my (depressed) mood... I don't yet have the tools for identifying them, much less fixing them -- it's hard to see all the fnords.

OK, new tag: fnords.

Once I see one of these problems I can start thinking about how to fix it. Or deciding whether or when it's a problem: avoiding conflict is probably a good thing, much of the time. So is avoiding embarrassment. But sometimes they get in the way of other goals; I can't make an informed decision if the avoidance maneuver is so automatic that I don't have time to think about it. It's like a kid who automatically replies "no" to every question -- I remember being that kid once, when asked whether I wanted to go to the zoo. Oops. Probably lots of other times that I don't remember.

I have enough trouble trying to figure out what my mood even is. Discovered a couple of days ago that I can't always distinguish reliably between anxiety and depression, which ought to feel different somehow. And how do I tell whether my mood has gotten better than "just OK" when I don't have anything better to calibrate it against? How, for that matter, do I distinguish between what I actually feel and what I think I ought to be feeling given my analysis of the situation?

This has gotten disjointed, and appears to be turning into a mere list of "this is hard" complaints. It is hard, but I should probably stop now.