Done yesterday

[mdlbear]

0319 Th
  * up 6:30; W=186.8; drugs, nose, flonase, coffee, emergen-c
  & See Colleen after taking YD to school
    ! she seems to be doing ok; very calm, mostly just held hands
  * on the way to work:  * gas * bank
  & an unexpected presentation; missed some.  Should read email first.
  & phone call to Callie
    ! happy.  C: "[the phone] didn't attack you this time."  
      me: "I find that it helps to pounce on it first."
      [something about computer games being similar to grand opera?]
      C: ... "You're my favorite geek."  ! delighted
  & work: sign application for $patent
  & hot flash?  Or is it actually hot in here?  -> the latter, apparently.
  & call from Colleen: her Kindle isn't charging with 3rd-party charger
  * Colleen:  1 hr PT; 20 minutes in standing frame
  & brief talk with S. at work about Colleen.  Someone else I can talk to?
  & IM with N: "Don't believe everything you think."
    ! gentle, concerned affection
    *- insight: social phobia preceeded depression
       mdlbear.livejournal.com/1009114.html 
  * bring Colleen the official Kindle charger; the dual one doesn't work
  * she needs protein.  Beef jerky? -> string cheese
  & Mom's birthday cards/presents arrived for YD, us.
  * 20:45ish drugs, nose, flonase
  * bath in Colleen's tub; bed ~11:50

The high point of the day, definitely, was the phone call to Callie. She called me her "favorite geek". *blush* (She told N. about that part, and said that she could hear me blushing all the way from California. I believe it; I wonder whether I could get such a thing from nothing but tone of voice.)

My IM conversation with Naomi wasn't far behind. The main insight of the day, which I've already posted about, was that my social phobia is probably the root cause of my depression. That's both hopeful and depressing: hopeful because now I know something else I need to work on, and depressing because it will be a whole lot harder. Working on the social phobia will require learning new ways of interacting with people, which is, well...

My old self-image is in tatters right now. I guess that's good, but it's the weirdest damned feeling when I stop to think about it.

I love my friends.

Comments

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

Hang in there. You know, logically at least, that your emotions don't choose your actions (unless you let them). You can express curiosity in different ways, or choose not to express it and talk about something else or not talk at all. Fear is just another emotion. You have choices when your phobia kicks in.

Also, remind yourself of that. And remind yourself that you do have social skills (and if you don't have all of them, neither does anyone else.)

I'm not sure you need new ways of interacting with people (though adding to those skills is always good), so much as new ways of interacting with your own fears. At least when you're aware that they are influencing your choices, you can remind yourself that fear is no more important - and no more insignificant - than your other emotions, and that you can choose how to act without denying the emotions.

[mdlbear]

Hmmmm, yes. Part of being a little depressed this week is the growing knowledge that my usual ways of dealing with fear; depression, blunted affect, and avoidance; aren't working so well anymore. It's not just dealing with people I'm afraid of.

And I'm not sure it's really social phobia, though I think it was at one point. Now it's not so much fear of people as realizing that I don't even have any idea what I need to learn, let alone how to go about learning it.

As for interacting with people: I have never been any damned good at starting a conversation, or at finding interesting people to talk to, or... And I can no longer pretend to myself that that doesn't matter.

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

I don't think I have anything useful to say at this point. But here's a *hug* on general principles. I wish you well in your self-discovery and in learning new habits and coping skills.

[mdlbear]

*hugs back*

Thanks! Just knowing people are reading along helps a lot.

[judifilksign.livejournal.com]

Because Colleen is not *with* you right now, you are "clue by four'd" with how much you do want and need interactions with others.

Colleen is a gregarious, vivacious personality, and from reading what you have posted before, I think you depended upon her a great deal for arranging and maintaining a lot of your social interactions as a couple, as well as the intimacy you share as a couple and in a family.

Without her to naturally keep things ticking along in conversations and interactions, you have become more aware of your need for people, and more distressed at the difficulties you have at interacting with others. With Colleen hurt, you need folks around you for love and support too. This need for interaction is gaining importance and urgency because you feel the lack.

I think it is important for you to remember that this problem developed over time, and to let yourself solve it over time, and give yourself time to identify the skills you want to learn to improve your interactions.

As for "root causes" of depression: sometimes, depression is just caused by a chemical imbalance in your system (in women, post-delivery is common, for example,) and not from what you think it is from situational causality. Then, things that bother you become enlarged (social discomfort becomes more upsetting and grows to a phobia.)

Blunted affect and avoidance are good coping skills to avoid more drama. They can help you to not escalate with problem people and problems that don't need any more emotion added. But when you *need* to interact, they become less helpful. Since your whole family is depending on you right now, these coping skills are working against you rather than for you. Negative feedback loop: you feel you don't have coping skills. You do; but they are outside of your comfort zone, and they feel weird to employ.

I think also it is realistic to allow yourself to acknowledge your negative feelings, lest they overwhelm you. (As you have been doing.) There's a lot of stress going on in your life, and just ignoring and "stuffing" all of it means it can bite you as depression or anger unexpectedly. That said, also continue to do what you have been doing in your daily "done" posts, and balance that with the gratitide/good stuff. It is also very good that you have reached out to the professionals who can give you exercises and insight on how to make changes.

(Hoping that I'm coming off as helpful rather than opinionated or preachy...If I'm off base or offensive, let me know and I'll tone it down.) *hugs*

[mdlbear]

Don't worry -- this is very helpful, both for giving me more information, and for confirming what I already knew or suspected.

You're right -- until the last year or so I depended almost entirely on Colleen for the bulk of my social interactions, and I still depend on her for a lot of them.

"you feel you don't have coping skills. You do; but they are outside of your comfort zone, and they feel weird to employ."

I'm not sure what you meant by this one. Blunted affect and avoidance are well within my comfort zone, but blunted affect doesn't work anymore, and avoidance, while I still use it a lot, is conspicuous in the way it makes things worse. If I have other coping skills, I haven't identified them yet.

Nobody has given me exercises yet, at least not that I've recognized as such. I think that, like most things in health care, you only get that kind of help if you know enough to ask for what you need. Right now I don't.

[judifilksign.livejournal.com]

"you feel you don't have coping skills. You do; but they are outside of your comfort zone, and they feel weird to employ."

The coping skills you recognize, are comfortable with and employ readily are avoidance and blunted affect.

Other coping skills you possess and use readily (right of the top of my head) are intense focus, love of music, organizing your thoughts, writing. There are more.

Coping skills outside of your comfort zone that you use: your conversation skills. *You,* on the inside, feel odd in conversations with others, unsure and awkward. Yet you *do* have successful interactions with others. You dislike the telephone, yet you are able to have successful communications on it. People on the other side of your interactions probably don't even notice that you're uncomfortable. If they notice anything, they probably think you're preoccupied or busy.

When faced with painful situations, it is human nature to withdraw (bee stings, hot pans, unkind comments). You have shown that while you may not *like* facing harsh circumstances, you are able to. Perhaps not with perfect emotional balance, but in ways that are helpful in the situation, and helpful to the people around you.

[mdlbear]

Actually, I usually feel very comfortable in conversations; it's getting started that's difficult. Actually dialing the phone, or walking up to a stranger and saying something, or getting a friend's attention when they're talking to someone else. I've been using avoidance for so long that I've never developed whatever ability that calls for.

I have a lot of trouble coping with distractions, or dealing with more than one or two people at a time. None of my current skills seem to help with those; they may simply not be fixable.

[judifilksign.livejournal.com]

Nobody has given me exercises yet, at least not that I've recognized as such. I think that, like most things in health care, you only get that kind of help if you know enough to ask for what you need. Right now I don't.

At school, the clinicians give our clients different types of exercises for identifying coping skills:

1) Activities you do after a stressful situation which keep you occupied and less likely to obsess about your stressors. Examples: Listening to music, reading, housework, gardening, writing in a journal, going to movies, playing ball, going for a walk, etc. ACTIVITIES to keep your body and mind busy. They don't *solve* anything, they just keep your mood elevated and provide distraction. These activities help decrease stress, and use up the stress hormones like adrenaline in a useful way. (There are also negative "coping" activities used by many: drinking, drugs, sex, too much partying, gambling, etc.)

2) Social skills to use while in conflict with others. By "conflict" I mean any sort of disagreement, from verbal contradiction all the way up to actual fighting. Eye contact to show you're paying attention, looking away to decrease tension. Summarizing what someone has said. Deep breathing, knowing when to walk away and return to a conversation later. Knowing your body so that you're aware of tension when you get mad, so you can unclench your fists and jaw. Identify parts of interactions that make you feel odd or uncomfortable, then think of ways to challenge yourself to get through similar situations, asking friends if needed.

3) Proactive things to do for positive social interactions: Ex: setting a goal to make eye contact, smile and nod at every person you meet today. Ex) Ask three probing questions to find out more about someone else's interest without inserting anything personal of your own. Ex) Use of a set game or task as a framework for interaction, like playing card games like gin rummy or bridge, D&D, board games like Monopoly, going bowling, which have set rules and expectations to work in. (Sports are also strongly encouraged, but are easier to do for kids than adults.)

[mdlbear]

Hmm. Mostly useful; is there a good reference on this kind of thing?

As for 3), which is definitely where I'm weakest, I'm not fond of games. Possibly because they require concentration when I'd rather be having a conversation, and partly because they're simply boring. Bridge, for the year or so I tried it, was ghastly. Sports are simply loathsome. I know, part of the problem.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

What she said.

[tibicina.livejournal.com]

Helpfully, your friends love you, too.

I've been realizing lately that it's very difficult for most people to see themselves. Especially in a more metaphorical sense.

*hugs you lots*

[mdlbear]

*hugs back*

Thanks. And you're very right about seeing oneself. It's hard. Most of the time I don't even know where the mirror is.