It's harder than I thought

[mdlbear]

Colleen's homecoming has made a lot of things better, but not everything. She needs a lot more care than either of us had been led to hope, especially using the commode (bathrooms are out of the question at this stage). We both expect that things will improve rapidly now that she's home and on her own schedule, but we're in unfamiliar territory nevertheless.

Colleen called one of her friends, who came over and took care of her all day, and cooked dinner before she had to leave. I am indescribably grateful. Even so, when I went out shopping I was distracted, and on the way back the world had an incredible look of unreality about it, as if I was seeing things through a thick, dark scrim.

Thinking back, it seems even more pronounced than the scrim that lifted when my depression ended. I think it is mostly a combination of depression and anxiety, and definitely situational this time.

A totally unrelated train of thought led me to look up dissociation, and its closely-related components depersonalization and derealization. Especially the latter. Yeah. That.

Put bluntly, Colleen needs somebody with her virtually all the time right now, and I can't do it. I can only hope that we can set up a rotation among our friends, so that I can get to work most afternoons. Mornings, I think, are hopeless: I plan to work from home. And hope that I can learn to actually work again, instead of spending my time either reading the web or being zoned out on sleep-dep and whatever drugs my brain is manufacturing for itself.

A couple of plates of pickles and olives seem to be helping; I may have to stock up at the office. A brief chat with Colleen (while working on this post), and the knowledge that she's used the commode several times without my assistance, helped even more. A fair amount of unreality still remains, however; the scrim is lighter now, but it's not all gone.

Comments

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

You ought to be able to get some home care workers to come in for at least a few hours a day, at least for a couple of weeks (whatever is covered by your medical plan). And it does seem as if Colleen is determined to become self-sufficient as quickly as she can (hooray, Colleen!).

And if you read those Wikipedia articles in detail, you know that your feelings of dissociation, depersonalization, and derealization are entirely the result of stress and sleep deprivation on top of your already-existing depression. I do hope you're still taking your drugs and getting therapy, because both of those will help a lot. So will sleeping beside your beloved every night.

It may be hard to believe right now, but things will get better. I tell you three times.

More or less what I was going to post.

[capplor.livejournal.com]

Keep up whatever therapy stuff you were doing before.
Get other-than-friend help, too. If your medical plan covers it, good. There are also things from social services if your medical plan doesn't do enough or runs out. Try calling the county. If that doesn't work, call a church (My grandmother used to work for a religion-based outfit doing that kind of stuff).

Re: More or less what I was going to post.

[mdlbear]

Kaiser covers the nursing, PT, and OT. No idea whatever about anything else, even if I knew what we needed. Which I don't.

Don't belong to a church, wouldn't know which one to go to, and would be extremely uncomfortable doing so.

Re: More or less what I was going to post.

[capplor.livejournal.com]

You know, that does include synogogues, but probably your best bet IS to ask the county what's available for your kind of situation.

Re: More or less what I was going to post.

[mdlbear]

Never belonged to one of those, either.

Re: More or less what I was going to post.

[capplor.livejournal.com]

You don't belong to a COUNTY?

Re: More or less what I was going to post.

[mdlbear]

's what I get for not being sufficiently specific. Synagogue.

[mdlbear]

We'll be getting a home nurse in at least once a week, plus PT and OT though I don't know how many visits. That will help a lot, but not with the hour-to-hour stuff like the commode; somebody just has to be there in case she needs help cleaning up.

Yes, I figured some combination of stress, sleep-dep, depression, and anxiety. Drugs and therapy have helped a lot, but not quite enough in this case.

[septemberlilac.livejournal.com]

You're under an extraordinary degree of stress right now, more than you consciously realize. I know it probably doesn't feel like it, but you're doing very well considering the circumstances. What about asking advice of the people Kaiser is going to be supplying - the home nurse, the PT, etc. They might be aware of what resources are available for your specific situation and be able to point you in the right general direction. Just a thought.

[mdlbear]

Yes, definitely.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Having a nurse for a couple of hours once a week is nowhere near enough, especially for someone who needs assistance with "toileting". You should have a health-care aide (who doesn't need to be any kind of nurse - more like a nurse's aide or orderly) for something like four to six hours, five (or possibly even six) days a week, and at least a few hours on weekends. One person - you - can't possibly provide all the care Colleen needs right now. And Kaiser damn well knows that.

And don't forget that you can't take care of anyone else if you don't take care of yourself. Take your meds, don't skip therapy, talk to other people if they've been helpful in the past, and try very hard to get enough sleep, food, and you-time.

[mdlbear]

Hmm. Whether Kaiser knows it isn't the point; nobody's mentioned it to me, and I have no idea whether it's a benefit that I can get. I sure as hell can't afford it on my own.

Meds and therapy I can manage. I get a fair amount of time by myself mornings and some in the evening, now that I'm not filling a couple of hours/day with nursing-home visits. Reading LJ doesn't really feel like "me time", though. Walks have been sporadic, and music and other personal projects almost nonexistant.

I don't know what I can do about that.

[acelightning.livejournal.com]

Things will get better - they are already getting better.

Just get every bit of assistance you're entitled to, even if they give you an argument about it. You might even want to involve a social worker, to help you navigate the bureaucratic mazes of various agencies. (Or if one of your friends is a social worker, or otherwise involved with those bureaucracies, that would be even better.)

[mdlbear]

Unfortunately the only social worker I know is my niece, and she's in Namibia in the Peace Corps right now.

[firewolf74.livejournal.com]

That's fantistic to hear Colleen is back home sounds like it's going to take time for her as you stated her own schedule. I bet working from home would be a blessed thing for you with everything going on.

Both you and Colleen are in my thoughts and hope things go well.

[mdlbear]

Thanks. Looks like a longer pull than I expected, but she's still making progress. We'll get there.